We all seek connection to other humans to greater or lesser extent. There are lots of ways to connect: around how we think, what we do and how we feel. How do you know when you feel connected to someone? Think about the experience: you “get” them and they “get” you and there’s a special energy between the two of you because of it.

 I have a friend with whom I go to the theatre annually to see a particular show with Broadway music. I don’t see her other than that, but we enjoy a strong burst of connection every year as our hearts soar listening to music we adore. There are other people whose minds I cherish because of the way they think out of the box, analyze the world, and make political observations. I’m in awe of their intellect and breadth of knowledge and the synergy that gets generated when we discuss various subjects.

There’s a third set of people whom I confess I love best. The people with whom I can connect emotionally. You know, the folks where you finish each other’s sentences and know exactly what they’re going to say before they say it. As Robert A. Heinlein described in Stranger in a Strange Land, these are people I “grok,” his term for deep empathizing and rapport. Some of the people I “grok” are old friends, but I’ve had times where I during a brief conversation with someone, I instantly felt a deep bond because we were so emotionally on the same page. What a joyous, intimate experience that is.

To make connections, you’ll want to listen well and put yourself (your whole, real self) out there. To do that, we need to be present and transparent and deeply in touch with ourselves. As Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD says in Do You Need Psychedelics to Access an Altered State?, “When we’re focused on making a connection, not an impression, our sense of inhabiting a separate self can dissolve.” 

I find this quote particularly on target with clients who have difficulty making connections because they’re always anxious about being liked, loved and accepted. If someone feels unsafe around others, it’s almost impossible for them to be themselves because they’re focusing on protection not connection. 

Think of the people you feel connected with due to activity, intellect or emotions. How did those connections happen—quickly or over time? What drew you to these people and what do you think drew them to you? Remember whenever you’re with people to think less about how they might feel about you than about how you feel about them. The more open you are to connection, the easier it will be to find and maintain it. 

Best,

Karen