We may not realize how being bombarded daily by articles on longevity and wellness distorts our view of what is actually possible—a recent article count for longevity was 440,000,000 and for wellness it was 997,000,000. Article after article leads us to think that actions we take or don’t take will almost certainly assure us a long, healthy life.  But what happens when you do everything—or even most things—right and still develop medical conditions that keep you in constant or chronic pain, destroy your ability to function optimally, and drag your spirits down? This radical mental shift from wellness to illness makes me think of a quote attributed to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis who died from non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, a form of cancer. She’s reputed to have said, “If I’d known I was going to get cancer, I wouldn’t have done all those push-ups.”  That’s one way of dealing with illness and, indeed, many...

I’ve written a lot about primary emotions but little about secondary emotions. Simply put, secondary emotions are the affective response we have to our first feelings. I was speaking about this subject with a client the other day who said she felt helpless, panicky, and distraught in a particular situation and then was ashamed she’d felt these feelings. The first set of feelings were primary and the shame was secondary. Get it? According to Primary vs. Secondary Emotions: A Deeper Dive, “Primary emotions are instinctive and immediate responses to events. These emotions arise before our brain has had time to analyze or interpret what’s happening. The most recognized primary emotions are: sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust. Secondary emotions develop after the initial emotional response. These are shaped by our thoughts and interpretations of what we felt first.” Often, when we feel piercingly difficult feelings that are hard to cope...

When you listen to someone or watch a show or movie that upsets you, do you relate or react? I hadn’t thought much about the striking difference between the two until a client shared that she—a recovering trauma victim— had watched a movie about a woman being abused and said, “You know, I could relate to what she was going through and all the bad things that happened to her, but I didn’t go crazy inside. I mean, I didn’t fall down the rabbit hole and start reliving what I went through.” Wow. I was impressed. I told her she was getting healthier by relating to the person in the show and not experiencing a triggering reaction. Some people shut down when what they see or hear feels too much like what happened to them. For example, one of my clients was viewed as aloof and uncaring in her women’s support...

So many of my clients (not to mention friends and family) suffer from anxiety. But even when they recognize that it’s rooted in hurtful past situations, they can’t figure out how to hold onto the memories without the powerful, negative emotions that emanate from them and ruin their lives. Neuroscience Says this Is How you Can Turn a Bad Memory Into a Good (and Useful) Memory has some useful ideas on managing these memories. “Neuroscientists call the process of linking feelings with a memory valence assignment. Once we experience something, our brains associate it with a positive or negative feeling, or valence, which helps us know whether to seek it or avoid it in the future.” However, we’re only beginning to understand how valence assignment occurs, that is, exactly how one memory gets a negative assignment and another gets a positive one.  Studies show that removing a gene called neurotensin from...

Most of us understand the concept of retraining our bodies: you’re out of shape and therefore do exercises to get fitter. According to Mental Fitness: Train Your Mind Like You Train Your Body, we can use the same concept for our minds.  The article defines mental fitness as “the ability to maintain a healthy, resilient and adaptable mindset that helps you navigate challenges, manage stress and perform at your best in everyday life. At its core, mental fitness is about strengthening the brain’s ability to focus, stay positive, regulate emotions and recover from setbacks.” Consider your aptitude in each of these mental fitness categories and you’ll know which ones require attention. Let’s start with your ability to focus. If you have Attention Deficit Disorder, staying focused may be especially difficult. That’s just the way your brain works, and it has strengths those without ADD may not have. Don’t get stuck on...

While listening to a client describe her fear of sharing untoward things about her family with outsiders due to potential repercussions or retaliation, the term brainwashed popped into my head. Isn’t that what families do to us when we don’t even realize it? Most families don’t think of their actions as brainwashing (except for those who intentionally try to control and manipulate), but it happens, nevertheless.  Cambridge Dictionary defines brainwashing as “making someone believe something by repeatedly telling them that it is true and preventing other information from reaching them.” I’ll take the liberty of broadening this narrow definition a bit. Sometimes parents don’t come right out and tell you if something is right or wrong about you but imply it through words and actions via role modeling. When they say, “Oh, don’t share so much with your friends. I don’t want them to think badly of us,” isn’t that an...

Clients sometimes say things that cast them in a mentally unhealthy light and are surprised when I flag them as such. Here are phrases it’s best to avoid: Saying I’m sorry as if something’s your fault when it isn’t. Habitual apology is a sign someone feels they are or have done something wrong and it’s rooted in adaptation from childhood when family members, especially parents, “are never wrong” and must point the finger at others to avoid feeling shame.  However, saying “I’m sorry” automatically when something isn’t your fault or to prevent people who’re in the wrong from feeling badly, makes you look weak and like a pushover. Healthy people apologize easily when it’s appropriate and expect others to do the same. They don’t want or presume that others will take the blame for them. Saying I’m not perfect is a tip off to people who know no one’s perfect, giving...

Think all of your memories function the same way? Think again because some memories are explicit and some are implicit. “Explicit memory refers to the conscious retrieval of past information or experiences, whereas implicit memory refers to an unintentional or nonconscious form of retrieval.” Okay, you might be saying to yourself, I get there’s a difference, but so what? World renowned psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel explains in Healing Dissociative Identity Disorder that there’s a critical divide between these two types of memories and distinguishing between them leads to greater emotional regulation. He tells us that, “When we retrieve an implicit memory, we don’t know it’s from our past. It comes in the form of perceptions, emotions, beliefs, and sensations. The awareness of the memory is very much in conscious awareness, but that it is from the past is not.”  That is, when implicit or unrecognized memories drive our reactions, we’re out...

It’s obviously important to think before we act, but thinking too much before (and after) taking action cannot only prevent us from making wise decisions, but it can drive up anxiety, indecision, second-guessing and self-doubt. If you stress yourself out overthinking, read on to learn how to break this pattern. The first time Christos came into my office, he spent most of the session explaining how he wasn’t sure if he needed therapy or not. He’d even brought a list of pros and cons for meeting with me. When I tried to steer him away from obsessing about his decision, he ignored my questions and simply returned to his internal debate. When I mentioned that all the work he was doing trying decide about therapy seemed to be stressing him out, he agreed but added that he wanted to be careful and make the right decision. After deciding he’d give therapy...

Which would you rather feel, fear or courage? It’s an easy question to answer in the abstract, but how many times do you stick with fear rather than face challenges and opt for embracing courage? Fear is meant for one thing only: to prevent us from making decisions that inhibit us from surviving and thriving. Each time we feel it, we need to determine if fearful memories are still of predictive value. If not, they’re useless—or worse, because they prevent us from doing what’s best for us in the present. There are myriad reasons to feel fear aside from actual life-threatening events: rejection and abandonment, being judged, failure, etc. But remember, though these situations might be devastating for a child, they’re generally not for an adult. Make a list of your fears, then pause and generate some more. When you’re done, think about whether you still need to have those fears...