So many of my clients (not to mention friends and family) suffer from anxiety. But even when they recognize that it’s rooted in hurtful past situations, they can’t figure out how to hold onto the memories without the powerful, negative emotions that emanate from them and ruin their lives. Neuroscience Says this Is How you Can Turn a Bad Memory Into a Good (and Useful) Memory has some useful ideas on managing these memories. “Neuroscientists call the process of linking feelings with a memory valence assignment. Once we experience something, our brains associate it with a positive or negative feeling, or valence, which helps us know whether to seek it or avoid it in the future.” However, we’re only beginning to understand how valence assignment occurs, that is, exactly how one memory gets a negative assignment and another gets a positive one.  Studies show that removing a gene called neurotensin from...

I could swear I wrote a blog about overexplaining, but since I can’t find it, here’s my take on the subject. I have quite a few clients who engage in providing far more explanation on almost any topic than they need to and have been exploring with them why that is, how they feel about the behavior, and how to tighten up verbal interactions. People who overexplain believe they have to work hard to be heard and understood, a pattern which developed in childhood for several reasons. They may have had a hard time convincing their parents of their needs and believed the more details they provided, the more valid their concerns would seem. This happens when parents don’t make their children feel heard or valued and fail to validate them sufficiently. My client Yvette likes to feel certain people understand and accept her, even with the most obvious issues. She’ll...

Too often people who haven’t made a practice of standing up for themselves build up a deep reservoir of anger and resentment along the way but are afraid to let it out. Then along comes someone, often a therapist, who validates their anger and tells them it’s okay—even more than okay—to express anger as a way of taking care of themselves. And kaboom all that held back sense of injustice explodes. Some people have felt like victims their entire lives and, when they realize they don’t have to put up with being hurt by others, they lack the life skills to express themselves appropriately. What comes out of them then is raw, unfiltered rage. Although it’s understandable that suppressed anger would lead to lashing out, such behavior neither fosters well-being nor enhances relationships. In fact, the opposite often occurs: after “letting it all out,” people feel ashamed and the person on...

Talking with a client who asked how she could manage her unwanted thoughts and feelings better, she expressed hope that someday she wouldn’t have them at all. I told her that, sadly, in my experience of 79 years on earth, unwanted thoughts and feelings have never completely gone away and I didn’t expect they would for her, me, or anyone.  Then I went on to explain the concept of first thoughts and feelings, describing them as things that pop into your mind. One minute there’s no thought or feeling and, boom, the next an idea or emotion is trying to take hold of you. You didn’t will it or invite it in, but there it is anyway flashing away on your mental screen or burrowing into your heart. Note: These firsts are there to be examined not followed. Too many people believe they’re truths and act on them as if they...

I’ve been touting the benefits of gray rocking for years and am finally getting around to blogging about it. It’s a simple technique to markedly improve your relationships and your life. Because it’s easy to use and learn, anyone can enjoy its rewards.  According to Medical News Today, Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, “is a tactic some people use to deal with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest. The idea behind the technique is that abusive people, especially those with narcissistic tendencies, enjoy getting a reaction from their victims. Refusing to give them this reaction makes interactions less rewarding.” It’s a tried-and-true method developed by a mental health blogger named Skylar in 2012 and has been popularized by psychotherapists and social media ever since.  When you gray rock someone, you feign disinterest in what they’re...

As the new year begins, some folks focus on what they’ve failed to do or where they’re closing in on perfection, while others put attention on what they’ve yet to achieve. This year, look neither backward nor forward and, instead, observe what you’re currently learning about yourself. Clients who make the most forward movement are the ones who notice their positive changes and are good with where they are now for now.   My client Lalita is relatively new to therapy, having begun it in her early 50s. Our initial sessions often focused on her dismay in having missed earlier in her life everything she was now learning. Initially, many of her sentences started with, “I can’t believe I didn’t know . . .” whatever idea she was now being introduced to. But once she learned how to compassionately observe her behavior, she was able to track her learning objectively. One...

In one week, two clients shared a painful secret with me: they’ve always been afraid. “Martha” said she was full of fear since she was six years old. “Rosa” doesn’t recall a time when she wasn’t afraid. In their 50s, both still fear challenging or upsetting their mothers. One might think these women grew up terrorized by their parents, endured severe physical or sexual abuse, or suffered horrific family trauma.  Not true. Rosa told me her mother threw something at her once but there was barely any physical contact with her parents, while Martha said there was no sexual or physical abuse in her family. However, in both families there was an abundance of overt and covert emotional abuse and, for Rosa, enough neglect to derail emotional development. Because we don’t need to have experienced severe or obvious trauma to live in fear, their admissions made me wonder how many people...

Far too often, clients replay upsetting and often unspeakable emotional crimes done to them in childhood and more recently, triggering high voltage feelings. No matter how far back a memory goes—10, 30, 70 years ago—they start to drown in feelings generated by whatever despicable things happened to them. Clients dredge up personal facts they’re well aware are part of their history, such as assault, betrayal, humiliation, or neglect, and talk about them as if they just happened yesterday.  Why this misery-inducing behavior? Part of the answer relates to survival and how DNA etches threats to self into our brains, so we’ll avoid them in the future. Does this mean that every awful thing embedded in memory as a threat has to elbow its way into the present? I don’t think so.  So often when clients get suckered into the pain of the past they tell me about it as if it’s...

I was talking with a client who’s learned how to explore and experience painful feelings without falling down the rabbit hole and has started dating someone with a sunny disposition. She explained that he seems okay with her talking about upset and hurt and often tries to help her look on the bright side of life. We talked about why they’re compatible though they’re somewhat opposites, a natural, evolutionary phenomenon. I understand how she evolved from her family background and wondered with her how he became the way he is. It turns out he didn’t receive much comfort or recognition of his painful feelings from a depressed mother and absent father. He avoided his distress by soothing Mom’s upset and does the same thing with others—like my client—now.  One mental health goal is to recognize and experience emotions and not dwell on or deny them. That’s more or less the ideal...

We all know people who are chronically defensive. You can’t even allude to them having done something wrong before they’re up in arms. And we’ve all been defensive at times in our lives when someone points out something we could have done or done better. Defensiveness is a normal human reaction, but one we don’t want to make a habit of if we wish to have a positive relationship with others—and with ourselves. People become defensive when they feel threatened or unjustifiably attacked, even with words. Rather than listen to and consider what someone has to say to or about them, they immediately batten down the hatches to guard against experiencing hurt and shame which are sometimes even unbearable. Generally, if you’re raised in a home where people are gentle with your feelings and careful with how they speak to you, you’re unlikely to grow into a defensive person. You feel...

I had a troubling session with a client talking about, of all things, joy. When she left, I thought how ironic it was that she (a warm, talented, creative woman) was having difficulty finding and holding onto joy. It seems like such a natural, basic emotion when happiness bubbles up and you can just feel dopamine popping in your brain or serenity spreading throughout your body. I’m not surprised that some people (or, more likely, many people) with eating disorders find it hard to experience joy because that’s exactly what they’re seeking to feel through food. I view joy as being primary and secondary. We feel primary joy when we trill with pleasure because we’re doing something we love to do. There’s a headiness about it that lifts us out of ordinary life. Sometimes we feel happy or content and don’t want to let go of the experience. Other times we...

I’ve written numerous blogs on shame and how carrying it around like an albatross is detrimental to mental health. Paradoxically, people who are shame-based, while mired in the emotion, often fail to benefit from its true purpose. They’re so full up with shame they bolt from experiencing it the moment they get a whiff of it.  My client Venus had a father who was emotionally abusive and came down hard on her whenever she didn’t do something perfectly. She suffered shame whenever she made mistakes and, rather than learning to assess what was good enough for herself, she looked to others to determine her worth. In childhood, she was often so anxious she couldn’t go to school and finally entered therapy in the third grade where she was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and an eating disorder along. A lot to handle for 10-year-old Venus.  This is...

Too often clients spend time in sessions, sometimes the whole 50 minutes, anguishing about how people feel about them. They worry they won’t be liked or valued, fear they’ll get fired or sidelined, and ruminate about co-workers, relatives, lovers, or friends retaliating against them for their perceived transgressions. Sadly, they miss the most important aspect of relationships—how they feel about other people. Ideally we aim to strike a balance between observing how we feel about others and how they feel about us. Observation is done on a conscious and unconscious level, that is, we both intentionally, rationally assess the qualities someone else has along with noticing how we feel when we’re with and not with them. Of course, this can only happen when we’re not caught up with worrying about what others think of us. Years ago, as supervisor in a mental health clinic, I remember thinking that a supervisee we’ll...

We all get upset at times. It’s natural. We like things to go our way no matter how much we know it won’t and, when it doesn’t, we feel emotional distress. The goal in life isn’t to never feel upset but to use mental and physical skills to reduce it to being tolerable. For example, I may have mentioned that I moved in December, 2024. I’m still in Sarasota but left the house my husband and I have lived in 19 years for a senior living community. To make the move easier because we’re no spring chickens, we hired a relocator to pack and unpack for us. And, in the process, some of my things got lost. After accepting they weren’t going to suddenly turn up, I felt helpless and acute feelings of loss. Mind you, these were not pricey objects or anything of major historical or family value. They were...

My client Dennis arrived at my office radiating an angry vibe. Our work on him quitting smoking had yielded spotty results and last time we met, he’d decided to tell all his friends he was stopping in the hope the announcement would boost his chance at success. I wondered why he seemed angry, but said nothing and let the session unfold. After chatting about several things, I asked how he was doing with cigarettes. He hung his head and said, “Why’d you make me tell all my friends I was going to stop?” I was taken aback and said my recollection—the truth—was that I’d only mentioned the tactic and, after some discussion, he’d been eager to try it. At no point did I “make him tell his friends.” As if I could tell strong-minded Dennis to do anything. After going nowhere playing “he said, she said,” I wondered if he felt...

We all have habitual pleasures. Around 8 or 9 p.m. most nights, I enjoy mindless TV. I devour books while on the treadmill. I look forward to my afternoon snack. All fine. Habits get laid down whenever we do something repeatedly.  The more easy pleasure a pastime generates, the more likely it will take hold as habit—whether it subsequently produces positive or negative consequences. In fact, if we’re not careful with the enjoyable activities we choose (key word) to repeat, we may develop an addiction to them (think alcohol, pornography, gambling, drugs, or overspending) or, at least, a habituation or dependence on them to get a dopamine hit.  Here’s an example of what happened to my client, Beatrice, who became habituated to buying perfumes. Different scents were exhilarating to her. She loved the comradery of her fellow CognoScenti. But over time, her habit started spinning out of control. It cost money...

A client who’s been practicing self-compassion expressed confused about what it is versus feeling sorry for or pitying herself. A good question. I explained how we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn’t develop into or perpetuate a victim mindset.  When we’re experiencing tough times, we’re entitled to get in touch with how awful we feel and, in turn, feel bad for ourselves as an aspect of self-compassion—that is, feeling bad you’re feeling bad is the same as feeling compassion for anyone who’s suffering. How we feel about offering ourselves compassion is determined by both how and how much of it we were offered and how it was modeled by others, predominantly our parents, growing up. Who said what to you when things went wrong in your life? Did they say only things like, “Oh, cheer up, things will get better”...

Around election time in 2024, many people were oozing with anxiety. Friends lamented, “I’m so worried, I can’t sleep.” Clients insisted, “I’m terrified of how the election will turn out.” What I heard boiled down to “I’m anxious and can’t stop it.” But if you examine such angst, you’ll see that anxiety is unnecessary, impotent, and only hurts us. So, let’s begin at the beginning: there’s anxiety and there’s fear. Fear is the response to a perceived threat, while anxiety involves worry about a threat that has not yet, or may never, happen. Please reread this sentence a few times to digest what it has to say. When you see a car skidding into yours, that’s fear. When you hear a branch crack overhead and see it about to fall on your head, that’s fear. Fear is an involuntary physical response to harm coming atcha. Anxiety is about the future. It’s...

Unconscious triggering can happen with couples, neighbors, families, colleagues or friends—that is, in any interactions. Knowing what triggers us and how to deactivate hot-button issues is a challenging enough responsibility. Recognizing that we’re being triggered by others is only half the battle. The other half is recognizing that other folks are also being triggered by us at the same time. It’s a lot to pay attention to, but a must. Here's a scenario of how triggers might play out with four fictitious Gen Z friends: Julie, Dana, Latoya and Shanti. Let’s say Julie’s mother, who has a chronic medical condition frequently begs Julie for help. Because Mom is a complainer and Dad is an “I’m fine” stoic, Julie’s a bit of both while trying to avoid the extremes of denial or dwelling.  So, Julie brings up her Mom stress to Dana who brushes it off as trivial and tries to change...

I feel concern for clients who get worked up over every day situations which not only upset them, but increase emotional eating. Most of us accept that there are difficult people in the world and lessen our distress by learning how to deal with them. But some folks get agitated over minor interactions, chronically over-react, and hold onto their grievances. Sometimes these petty interactions seem to take over their lives. Middle-aged Viv is a perfect example. Everywhere she’s worked—she’s had many jobs because she leaves whenever she gets miffed about something or someone—she becomes embroiled in drama. Rather than recognize there are going to be frictions in every workplace (or in any relationship or group), she takes issue with people who annoy her to the extent that she’s miserable and feels she can’t take it any more. Looking at Viv’s early life, it’s easy to see why she would mistrust people....

Although you may have depression or know people who do, if you don’t understand its roots, you may not give or get the best help for it. The way depression connects to eating problems is obvious: feeling so down you have no interest in food and fail to consume sufficient calories or turning to food to lift your mood or comfort yourself. A New Study Is Finally Attempting to Pin Down the Root Causes of Depression fills in many of the blanks we have about the causes of depression, citing the core experience as “changes in energy, activity, thinking, and mood.” Psychology has traditionally viewed depression as a mood and/or a personality disorder. It was thought that “Reactive depression” occurred due to being triggered by exposure to stressful life events or outside events such as losing a job or being bullied. “Endogenous depression” has been viewed as biologically or genetically based. We...

I’ve blogged before about the dangers of isolation and the connection between chronic loneliness and dysregulated eating. These blogs speak mostly to how loneliness hurts us emotionally. Through science, however, we now know what it does to us physically and why, in fact, it can cause us to turn to food.  How Loneliness Can Lead To Food Addiction — And Then Obesity explains how that can happen. A “recent study published in JAMA Network Open sheds light on the complex relationship between perceived social isolation, brain function, eating behaviors, and mental health. Scientists found that individuals who reported feeling lonely, exhibited differences in how their brains responded to food cues compared to those who felt more socially connected. Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), UCLA Health researchers observed that when shown images of food, especially sweet treats, the brains of lonely individuals showed heightened activity in regions associated with processing internal...

Ah, the pull of denial, so strong, yet so crafty, lurking below our radar and dragging us off in dangerous directions. Denial is everywhere: reassuring us we’re okay to drive after several drinks, insisting our abusive partner didn’t mean to be nasty to us, and shoving reason out the window when it comes to finishing all the food on our plate. Considered by Freud as a defense mechanism, denial is a way of avoiding distressing feelings, especially anxiety, and prevents us from seeing painful reality clearly. My client Cornelius is a great example of practicing denial. After several months of therapy he confessed, “I can’t seem to look at life as it is. It’s always better the way I want it to be. Real life is just too painful. I don’t want to go there.” His world view, which started in childhood after his mother hung herself, is understandable. It’s hard...

My client Luiz asked me an excellent question: how to distinguish between having a recall trigger reaction and a healthy one that’s warranted because it’s reality based. There is a difference, you know. Here’s what generated Luiz’s question. An Afghanistan war veteran, he mentioned his interest in returning to college to a colleague, along with his relief that the VA would help out financially. To his surprise, his colleague began ranting about the unfairness of his having to pay more taxes for Luiz to get a free education. Luiz was stunned and unsure of how to reply, so he said nothing, but he brought up the conversation in therapy because it still bothered him. We explored it from various angles. First, we examined Luiz’s feelings from the situation itself. He was blindsided, offended and hurt that this colleague would say such insulting things to him. He felt they were saying his...

I’ve blogged a good deal about attachment problems that often occur when our earliest relationships are neither secure nor steady. Psychologist Harry Harlow’s pioneering, classic 1905 experiment, Harlow's Classic Studies Revealed the Importance of Maternal Contact, shows us “the role that social relationships play in early development.” Warning: whenever I tell clients about his powerful experiments, I tear up.  In one experiment, “Using methods of isolation and maternal deprivation, Harlow showed the impact of contact comfort on primate development. Infant rhesus monkeys were taken away from their mothers and raised in a laboratory setting, with some infants placed in separate cages away from peers. In social isolation, the monkeys showed disturbed behavior, staring blankly, circling their cages, and engaging in self-mutilation. When the isolated infants were re-introduced to the group, they were unsure of how to interact — many stayed separate from the group, and some even died after refusing to eat...

Did you ever meet someone who was all sunshine—perpetually cheerful even in the gloomiest of times, forever seeing the best in others, and always looking on the bright side of life? Do you simply assume their optimism and relentless upbeatness is who they are through and through? If so, you might want to hear what Make Peace with Your Unlived Life by Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries has to say about each of us having a “true” and “false” self and how to manage them to live your best life. “The idea of a ‘true self’ and a ‘false’ or ‘shadow’ self has long preoccupied psychologists . . . Carl Jung viewed ‘the shadow’ as our unknown, dark side—made up of the primitive, negative, socially depreciated human emotions such as sexuality, striving for power, selfishness, greed, envy, jealousy, and anger.” He believed we both fear and are drawn to our shadow...

Everyone has hurt feelings at times and it pays to know what to do—and not do— when someone feels hurt by you. Say the right thing and you’ll improve the situation; say the wrong thing and you may ruin a perfectly good relationship.  First off, recognize you may have done nothing wrong. Someone may be triggered by a past experience, be projecting blame or their shame onto you, or have been feeling upset and you just happened along to set them off. And please understand we can’t make someone feel a certain way, as in, “You made me feel inadequate” or “They hurt my feelings.” The truth is no one can make anyone feel anything. If humans had that ability, I’d make everyone feel good all the time. But I’m unable to get inside someone’s brain and make them feel any particular way—and neither can you. When someone says you’ve hurt...

One of the many enlightening things I learned in social work school is the difference between the terms ego syntonic and ego dystonic. According to When You Can’t See Your Own Illness, “Ego-syntonic means that your preferences, desires, impulses, and behavior are consistent with your ego. Ego-dystonic is a psychoanalytic term describing impulses, needs, or thoughts that are unacceptable or repugnant to the ego or self.” Ego syntonic behaviors, emotions and beliefs are based on our perception of our ideal self: they encourage us to be a certain kind of person. We feel good about having specific traits and enjoy being praised for them. For instance, when you pride yourself on being a real go-getter and someone compliments you on your drive and success, their comment feels syntonic to your view of yourself. Think of syntonic as being the same or similar and dystonic as being dissimilar. Alternately, ego dystonic behaviors,...

You Hurt My Feelings, a Prime video movie, raises serious questions about how honest to be with people. When we see intimates doing things that harm them, don’t we need to hurt their feelings a bit to help them? If we have a friend who drinks too much then engages in risky behavior, don’t we owe it to them to burst their bubble and share our fears of what dangers might befall them? If a parent needs to go into a nursing home because they can’t care for themselves, isn’t our role to keep them safe even if taking away their autonomy means wounding their pride in being self-sufficient?  Because one of the film’s main characters is a psychotherapist, the movie explores candidness in the professional as well as personal realm. Though therapists are expected to be kind and compassionate, we also get paid to make people emotionally uncomfortable in order...

I confess, I was a bit of a daydreamer from childhood through early adulthood. Mostly, my daydreams were about romantic relationships. As I grew older and had more control over my life (and more knowledge about love), those daydreams mostly subsided. I do recall both loving and hating them. Loving the hits of dopamine conjured up by happy endings and hating that my real life wasn’t living up to my fantasy one. I hadn’t thought much about daydreams until I read Daydreaming’s dark side: the compulsive, complex fantasy disorder that dominates some people’s daily lives, and started thinking about how similar they were to food binges. On the one hand, in small doses both can bring us great joy and lift our spirits. On the other, when they rule us instead of the other way around, boy, can we get into some serious trouble.  Giulia Poerio, PhD, associate lecturer at the University...

Many people think grief is only about losing a person or pet, but that’s not true. My client Sharanne came into session one day in tears. When I asked why she was crying she shook her head and said, “That’s the problem. I don’t know. I just feel so sad, like nothing means anything anymore.” After a bit of discussion, she added, “This is how I felt after my father died when I was in college, when I was grieving.”  Later on in the session, Sharanne who’s in her 50s, married, childless, and with a successful career, mentioned having run into a high school friend with her three children and how her mood changed after that encounter. Suddenly it dawned on Sharanne that her friend’s life was the one she wanted. She’d wanted children but put aside the desire and decision as she and her husband built their careers until she...

Lucky me. I was fortunate to be part of the virtual audience of two panel presentations that featured Terry Real, LCSW, renowned couples therapist, author, and educator. A straight shooter, his message about being in relationships is this: "It’s a minute-by-minute practice of connecting to others through empathy, vulnerability, and accountability.”  One aspect of relationships he talked about is the paradox of connection and protection. This blog is my interpretation of the subject. I urge you to check out Real’s TED talks, podcasts, and books to discover the tremendous amount of wisdom he has to share. Many people who’ve been hurt and especially those who’ve been traumatized wish to connect with people but also want to stay protected and not show or share their vulnerability. It simply ain’t going to happen. Genuine connection comes from you being the real you and me being the real me. As I read recently but...

After years spent relying on food for pleasure and joy, many clients have difficulty boosting their spirits in other ways. They look for quick, easy highs from shopping, flirting or even sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with enjoying any of these activities. But, in the long run, there are better ways to enjoy healthy pleasure on a regular basis.  While talking with several clients about this subject, I started thinking about a method to find pleasure that many dysregulated eaters would never have thought of. Whether you’re learning a new craft or skill—alone or with others—or resuming a hobby from years ago, it helps to seek enjoyment three ways: during the process of engagement, through the progress you make while doing something, and via the finished product. For example, my client Nona decided to take a pottery class. She’s a creative type but working with clay was new to her....

To become more resilient, you’ll want to think about stress differently, starting with recognizing that not all stress is created equal. If we treat every stressor as major, we’ll either spend our lives being anxious or burn out (or both) If we view stress in a more nuanced way, we have a chance to maintain our sanity while moving through it. Think of stress as either short- or long-term and accept that we have both in our lives. During the same week, as my client Taylor’s parents were visiting from out of town, her car suddenly needed new brakes and she chipped a tooth. She expected she’d be stressed by her parents’ desire to be catered to and feel like they were on vacation, but when the brakes on her car went after she’d made a dental appointment, she felt as if she’d lost any and all control of her life. ...

On the same day I was thinking about a client who always said he was fine because he “didn’t want anyone to feel bad for him,” another client said she felt very uncomfortable when people treated her with compassion and caring, especially after she messed up. Both examples reminded me of a kindness I’ll never forget. Working as an office manager for a small non-profit in Cambridge, MA back in the 1970s, I was in charge of putting together our training flyers. One day, I inadvertently switched the dates and  facilitators’ names under the descriptions of two seminars. Imagine my horror when I saw my error in print by the thousands and realized the magnitude of what I’d done.  Fortunately, I worked with two wonderful women who reacted to my acute distress and unending mea culpas by closing the office (it was a Friday) and taking me for a drink. Those...

I’ve had several clients over the years with the daft idea that suffering for its own sake is a beneficial experience. I say daft because I thought so myself in my early days. I remember as a child refusing my father’s offer of a window air conditioner (a big deal in the 1950s!) to show how strong I was. But all I ever did was sweat and lose sleep and wish I’d said yes. I was too ashamed to tell my father I’d changed my mind and, luckily, somewhere down the line, he simply installed the unit. Ah, sweet relief. Another example occurred when I was skiing with a (so-called) friend. We agreed that he’d drive up to the mountain and I’d drive back. But on our last run, I fell and badly hurt my hand (which later turned out to be broken), yet I insisted on driving home as per...

I often write about shame because it’s such a misunderstood, potentially debilitating emotion. Recently, I took a webinar on shame resilience through the Relational Life Foundation, an outstanding presentation about both personal and cultural shame.  What increases shame’s insidiousness is well framed by therapist and author Terry Real as a view of the world in which people are either one up or one down from each other. From this perspective, people lack the same innate worth and are valued only by societally agreed upon standards of beauty, achievement, courage, self-discipline, talent, wealth, etc. This view is so ingrained in us by our families, educational systems, and the media (especially social media nowadays), that we grow up thinking it is the only (and undeniably correct) way to measure ourselves and others. This invalid one-up/one-down construct is both rooted in and results in shame. Clients routinely come to therapy overly focused on their...

  Many dysregulated eaters believe they must take care of others to be loved, along with its corollary that they won’t be lovable unless they take care of others. This puts them in caretaking overdrive and living in a world of daily maxi-stress. Moreover, it deprives them of the joy and comfort of being taken care of by others so that they feel protected and cherished. For mental health, the flow of emotional energy should look like this: dysregulated eater ↔ others. It should not look like this: dysregulated eater → others. Think of words like interdependence and mutuality to describe the dynamics. Notice that I use the term emotional energy. It’s not enough that someone does tasks for you to show their love, although this is an excellent way of expressing caring. For emotional health, there must be an easy exchange of empathy, active listening, compassion and support to and...

We all want to be sensitive to other people. Sensitivity greases the wheels of relationships as you empathize with what others are feeling because you’ve felt similarly yourself. Ditto compassion which makes you hurt for people’s suffering. Where some dysregulated eaters get into trouble, however, is when they assume everyone is as sensitive as they are. There is no universal sensitivity standard. Instead, it runs the gamut from highly sensitive to highly insensitive with mentally healthy in the middle. My client Coz, a musician, assumed that everyone got hurt as easily as he did, which put him at a disadvantage in relationships. He couldn’t throw a party without inviting everyone he’d ever met, even briefly, in fear of hurting someone’s feelings, though many invitees were surprised to receive an invitation and told him so. Raised in a family where abuse and neglect were rampant, he was easily wounded and projected this...

I never thought of there being a difference between the words “guilt” and “guiltiness” until I read an article distinguishing the two which made a big impression on me. In it, psychotherapist Orna Guralnik explains: “Guilt entails feeling bad for having harmed another; guiltiness is the preoccupation with yourself—whether you are or aren’t guilty. This preoccupation is all about warding off shame, which blocks concern for others.”  If I’m understanding Guralnik correctly (what reader can ever really know the mind of the writer?), guilt is your heartfelt pain for having harmed another, that is, you hurt because you hurt someone, as in “I feel your pain.” Guiltiness is getting hung up on having caused someone pain, which ends up being self-referential and self-serving. Whereas guilt is all about what the other person feels, guiltiness is about what you feel.  An example of this distinction is former clients Kendra and Mikhail who...

Is your fear preventing you from having reparative experiences? I hope not, because fear not only keeps you stuck in victim mode, but also ensures that you stay there. On the other hand, you could do what some of my clients have chosen to do: face your fears, push past them, and improve your future along with your view of yourself.  Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. A client, Andra, a veteran with PTSD, found it hard being social after suffering a military sexual assault. Since then, she’s had two abusive relationships, but also has been determined to overcome her fear of men. Recently she was at a social event where a male vet was sexually inappropriate with her. This time, instead of ignoring his mistreatment and freezing or fleeing in fear, she stood up for herself and told him off. After sharing with other male vets what happened,...

Here are some of my recent musings on noticing enoughness or feeling something isn’t enough. With food, we talk about the terms and sensations of fullness and emptiness. Sometimes our stomachs growl and we recognize we’re hungry or feel sickeningly full when it’s uncomfortably distended. Of course, sometimes we sense but ignore signals of hunger and satiation. And, what of the times we don’t even realize our body is giving off cues about wanting food or being done with it?  These last two reactions indicate a disconnection from self. I remember binge-eating and feeling stuffed only after the fact. Where was my attention when I was fast approaching and had reached fullness? How could I miss this major body event?  Here's how. I was aware and also unaware, unplugged from my appetite cues during the binge. I’d also unplugged myself from whatever was making me want to consume so much food...

Ever go to a social event and find yourself so anxious you can’t imagine having a good time? Or feel so worried about what you’ll say and who’ll talk to you that you decide not to go at all? Many people who are socially anxious choose food over socializing because it feels more predictable and safe.  If any of the above describes you or your situation, “How to overcome social anxiety” by Fallon Goodman will help you understand and manage your distress more effectively. She covers a great deal of ground in the article, starting with what social anxiety is: “At its core,” she says, “social anxiety is a fear of negative evaluation and rejection. When you feel socially anxious, you worry about what others think of you and hope you are making a good impression.” This mindset is very common in dysregulated eaters who are often more concerned with what...

Adapted from Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—And Keep—Friends by Marisa Franco (The Atlantic Magazine, 8/25/22). To learn more about attachment, read: https://www.karenrkoenig.com/blog/the-importance-of-early-attachments, https://www.karenrkoenig.com/blog/attachment-disorders-due-to-parental-separation, https://www.karenrkoenig.com/blog/attachment-and-self-nurturing.       “ For many of us, making friends as an adult is intimidating, and sometimes embarrassing or a bit baffling. But we all know those people who appear to be naturals: They balance bustling social calendars, glide easily into conversations with strangers, and seem to get invited to everybody’s wedding. Research shows that these super friends, as I like to call them, really exist: Not only are they better at initiating new friendships, but they also view their friendships as closer and more enduring.      So what is the distinguishing quality of super friends? It’s secure attachment.      Attachment is the “gut feeling” we project onto ambiguity in our interactions. It’s driven not by a cool assessment of events but by the collapsing...

I can often predict how clients will react to something emotionally because I know their usual pattern. I’m not always right and wish many would have a wider range of responses for their own good. Remember, humans are programmed to react but not the way to react. Here are some possible responses to various situations.  A Massachusetts relative of mine was all set to go on vacation to Bermuda with her husband for two weeks, but a hurricane kicked up in the Atlantic and the cruise-line cancelled the trip. I sympathized with what I thought would be her disappointment, but she surprised me by saying brightly, “Oh, we’ll go another time. Now we’ll be home to enjoy the start of spring.” At a summer party I attended, raucously loud music was playing outside the building which reverberated through the apartment, nearly drowning out all conversation. It annoyed me so much, I...

A client and I had a fun session brainstorming types of communication used to express emotions to others. The discussion began when she mentioned complaining to someone and we began delving into the meanings of that word versus, say, unburdening to or sharing with others. If you think of yourself as a complainer rather than a venter, you’ll likely have different views about being one rather than the other.  Here are the verbs we came up with—and some additions from writing this blog: vent, complain, whine, gripe, unburden, share, get feedback from, reach out to, vomit out, seek solace, solicit advice, or have verbal diarrhea. Reread this list and pay attention to how you feel about doing each one. Refrain from being judgmental and simply observe your reactions. My guess is that these words might make you wince: complain, whine (note my different take on it), gripe, vomit out, and have...

Many dysregulated eaters are very good at feeling bad. In an exhausting effort to avoid hurting people, they often make themselves miserable. I only wish they’d be as fearful of hurting themselves as they are of causing pain to others. Two client examples:  Cal decided to leave his job as board president of a local non-profit and was dreading telling his board of directors. He’d discussed his desire to leave (for healthy reasons) in many therapy sessions and the deadline of his two-year term was fast approaching. To say he agonized over writing his resignation letter is no exaggeration. He feared letting down the agency, whose mission he was passionate about, and that board members would be upset with him for moving on. This led him to procrastinate resigning and setting himself up for not giving as much notice as he could have. Then there’s Renata who couldn’t bring herself to...

If you’re a trauma survivor, you may ping-pong back and forth between a mindset of what my client Hua calls “poor me or screw you,” feeling like a total victim or ready to come out  swinging in response to perceived emotional harm. A Coast Guardsman (“Coastie”) for 20 years, Hua risks her life daily. She admits to “holding it together” all day then coming home feeling raw and taken advantage of by the rigid, high-pressure military system, or furious that it doesn’t have her interest at heart.  She reported a typical ying-yang experience when she was called into her superior’s office and was told she wouldn’t get the time off she’d put in for. The meeting was held the day after she’d been up all night dealing with a boat fire which involved multiple injuries. The moment her superior said she wasn’t getting the schedule she’d requested, she burst into tears,...

Here’s a checklist devised by ChatGPT, an artificial intelligence chatbot developed by OpenAI and launched in November 2022, to help you decide if you’re co-dependent and what emotional healthy relationships look like. Thanks to my client for sending it to me!   “Distinguishing between codependent and healthy behavior can be challenging, as some behaviors may seem supportive or caring on the surface. However, there are key differences that can help you identify whether a behavior is codependent or healthy. Here are some guidelines to consider: Boundaries: Codependent: Poor or nonexistent boundaries between individuals, leading to a loss of personal identity and constant involvement in each other's lives. Healthy: Well-established boundaries that allow for individuality, personal growth, and autonomy while still maintaining a strong and supportive relationship. Self-esteem: Codependent: Self-worth is largely derived from the approval of others or the ability to "fix" or "rescue" someone else. Healthy: Self-esteem is based on...

I don’t know why the concept of working to “solidify” oneself suddenly popped into my head, but it seems like the right term to describe what I wish for clients. Due to trauma and dysfunctional childhoods, so many of them seem to lack a solid core or center—without which it’s hard to negotiate life successfully.  My musings on the subject: Solidifying involves pulling all the parts of you together to make a coherent whole, one that makes sense to you. You can be a tough as nails parole officer and still fawn all over the grandkids or be a cautious banker who adores rock climbing. When you’re solidified, you embrace all parts of yourself. You want to be solid like the steel girders that hold up buildings, but also have flexibility to withstand stress and not crack. You don’t want to have a squishy center because then no one, especially you,...