One day a client, Conny, came in talking about feeling broken, a topic that was often at the center of our discussions. Whether she was at work, with family or dealing with the multiple institutions we interact with regularly, she usually came away feeling that something was wrong with her and she was defective. 

The problem was her expectations of herself and making false assumptions about others. Here’s an example. Connie was asked by one of her spouse’s doctors to have him seen by a cardiologist before his upcoming surgery. After 30 minutes on hold with the cardiologist’s office, she was told there was no cardiologist available to see him until several months later. She explained that her husband’s surgeon had asked that this happen before his upcoming surgery and wondered if the cardiologist’s office could speak to the surgeon’s office. No can do, came the response. My client hung up the phone and her head was spinning while she asked herself what she’d done wrong to not get the follow through she wanted.

Think about how you would assess this situation. My take was that we have a very broken medical system on (at least) three fronts: 1) A wait time to speak to someone in your doctor’s office should be far less than 30 minutes; 2) A patient shouldn’t have to wait several months to see a doctor; and 3) Doctors should stop practicing in silos and talk more with each other about patients they share. 

However, my client grew up in a highly dysfunctional family and community. Her father left before her birth and, because her mother was working, Connie was left to take care of her five younger siblings. They were poor and the neighbors used to shame her when she begged  for money. She received very little help in any sphere, including the fact that her teachers and schoolmates made fun of her clothes. 

Any wonder my client thought she was defective? This was the ongoing message she received from her environment which made her feel helpless, inept, and that she was doing something wrong. In fact, she was doing something right and the system was rigged against her. What 10-year-old can capably take care of her siblings or deserves to be begging for handouts from neighbors? 

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family and school and community systems failed you, it’s not your fault. You’re not perfect, but you were also set up to fail. The systems  were and are broken. You’re not and never were.

Best,

Karen