Most of us understand the concept of retraining our bodies: you’re out of shape and therefore do exercises to get fitter. According to Mental Fitness: Train Your Mind Like You Train Your Body, we can use the same concept for our minds.  The article defines mental fitness as “the ability to maintain a healthy, resilient and adaptable mindset that helps you navigate challenges, manage stress and perform at your best in everyday life. At its core, mental fitness is about strengthening the brain’s ability to focus, stay positive, regulate emotions and recover from setbacks.” Consider your aptitude in each of these mental fitness categories and you’ll know which ones require attention. Let’s start with your ability to focus. If you have Attention Deficit Disorder, staying focused may be especially difficult. That’s just the way your brain works, and it has strengths those without ADD may not have. Don’t get stuck on...

While listening to a client describe her fear of sharing untoward things about her family with outsiders due to potential repercussions or retaliation, the term brainwashed popped into my head. Isn’t that what families do to us when we don’t even realize it? Most families don’t think of their actions as brainwashing (except for those who intentionally try to control and manipulate), but it happens, nevertheless.  Cambridge Dictionary defines brainwashing as “making someone believe something by repeatedly telling them that it is true and preventing other information from reaching them.” I’ll take the liberty of broadening this narrow definition a bit. Sometimes parents don’t come right out and tell you if something is right or wrong about you but imply it through words and actions via role modeling. When they say, “Oh, don’t share so much with your friends. I don’t want them to think badly of us,” isn’t that an...

Clients sometimes say things that cast them in a mentally unhealthy light and are surprised when I flag them as such. Here are phrases it’s best to avoid: Saying I’m sorry as if something’s your fault when it isn’t. Habitual apology is a sign someone feels they are or have done something wrong and it’s rooted in adaptation from childhood when family members, especially parents, “are never wrong” and must point the finger at others to avoid feeling shame.  However, saying “I’m sorry” automatically when something isn’t your fault or to prevent people who’re in the wrong from feeling badly, makes you look weak and like a pushover. Healthy people apologize easily when it’s appropriate and expect others to do the same. They don’t want or presume that others will take the blame for them. Saying I’m not perfect is a tip off to people who know no one’s perfect, giving...

Think all of your memories function the same way? Think again because some memories are explicit and some are implicit. “Explicit memory refers to the conscious retrieval of past information or experiences, whereas implicit memory refers to an unintentional or nonconscious form of retrieval.” Okay, you might be saying to yourself, I get there’s a difference, but so what? World renowned psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel explains in Healing Dissociative Identity Disorder that there’s a critical divide between these two types of memories and distinguishing between them leads to greater emotional regulation. He tells us that, “When we retrieve an implicit memory, we don’t know it’s from our past. It comes in the form of perceptions, emotions, beliefs, and sensations. The awareness of the memory is very much in conscious awareness, but that it is from the past is not.”  That is, when implicit or unrecognized memories drive our reactions, we’re out...

It’s obviously important to think before we act, but thinking too much before (and after) taking action cannot only prevent us from making wise decisions, but it can drive up anxiety, indecision, second-guessing and self-doubt. If you stress yourself out overthinking, read on to learn how to break this pattern. The first time Christos came into my office, he spent most of the session explaining how he wasn’t sure if he needed therapy or not. He’d even brought a list of pros and cons for meeting with me. When I tried to steer him away from obsessing about his decision, he ignored my questions and simply returned to his internal debate. When I mentioned that all the work he was doing trying decide about therapy seemed to be stressing him out, he agreed but added that he wanted to be careful and make the right decision. After deciding he’d give therapy...

Which would you rather feel, fear or courage? It’s an easy question to answer in the abstract, but how many times do you stick with fear rather than face challenges and opt for embracing courage? Fear is meant for one thing only: to prevent us from making decisions that inhibit us from surviving and thriving. Each time we feel it, we need to determine if fearful memories are still of predictive value. If not, they’re useless—or worse, because they prevent us from doing what’s best for us in the present. There are myriad reasons to feel fear aside from actual life-threatening events: rejection and abandonment, being judged, failure, etc. But remember, though these situations might be devastating for a child, they’re generally not for an adult. Make a list of your fears, then pause and generate some more. When you’re done, think about whether you still need to have those fears...

A neighbor was describing some trouble her son, Jack, was having with his son, Foster, and told me, “Jack needs to tell Foster he needs to pull up his grades or lose phone privileges.” What’s wrong with my neighbor’s wording? If you said she’d be better off not telling Jack what he “needs” or what Foster “needs” to do, you’d be right.  How do you feel when people tell you what you “need to” or “should” do? Being told what I “need” to do makes me feel like a child, as if someone’s trying to exert power or authority over me and boss me around. Being told “you should” makes me feel like someone’s judging me or thinks they know what’s best for me better than I do.  “Need” and “should” are shaming words to avoid when talking to ourselves or others. As I’ve blogged before, should, need to, have to,...

Why are we shocked when things go wrong? Why the tailspin whenever something goes amiss or causes us agita? We think, “I had a great day and now I have to deal with this” or “Today was bad enough, and now this happens. Why can’t things just go right?” For example, you have a lovely time puttering in the garden, pot-lucking with friends, finishing a riveting book, or visiting favorite family members, and that night or the next day the washing machine breaks down, your boss upbraids you about a project that didn’t go well, you notice more than a few gray hairs, or your child breaks a leg skiing.  We’re taken aback when things go sideways because our magical thinking and denial shield us from the fact that “bad” things happen no matter how clever, rich, healthy, wise, smart, or kind we are. Truth: life consists of ups and downs,...

In supervision at my first job as a social worker, I commented on a client not doing something he’d set as a goal. I must have said, “He says he can’t do it,” because my supervisor jumped in with the question, “can’t or won’t?” I’ve struggled with the correct answer to will not versus cannot ever since. Is it that you won’t give up disordered eating or drinking or that you can’t? After all, there’s a vast divide between the two. We think of cannot or can’t as inability to do something and won’t or will not as lacking desire to do it. But is life really that clear-cut that we can easily distinguish between one motivation and another?  Not in my personal or professional experience because this is a more complex subject than we’d like to believe. After all, I think we’d all agree we can possess desire and still...

Carolyn Hax, advice giver extraordinaire, has many instructive things to say about setting boundaries, a subject which arises frequently in eating disorder therapy and a skill that takes ongoing practice. I often blog about boundaries because it’s tricky to learn how to get really good at setting them and addressing them when they’re broken. Hax maintains, “A request is something you want or need from someone else, which is a very different thing from the self-contained boundary.” She reminds us (because humans so often forget!) that other people have free will and the absolute right to refuse to go along with our request or demand or even ignore it. That’s their prerogative. Repeat, that’s their prerogative.  Wishing someone would “allow” you to do or not do something isn’t setting a boundary. “A boundary is yours only—it’s what you will and won’t accept in a relationship with someone. No one else has...

In spite of chuckling my way through I Like Me, the documentary about the life of the late Canadian comedian John Candy, I felt sad when it was over. Another tale of untreated trauma playing itself out in the worst way. Another life, like that of so many people who can’t detach enough from the past to change their future. Mostly the film got me thinking about how many clients are unable to envision a better life. And since they can’t imagine it, they’re unlikely to make it happen.  I may be wandering a bit from my theme here, but the fact is that Candy’s father died of heart disease when he was 35 and John was 5 years old. And Candy died when he was 43 from a coronary, leaving behind a 9 and a 14-year-old. From the film, it seemed John simply assumed he’d follow his father to an...

Aretha Franklin was right on when she sang these words in her hit song of the same name: “R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me.” It describes something we all yearn for but aren’t always sure how to make happen. Can you respect yourself if others don’t? And can you fail to respect yourself even when others do? I’ve been thinking about “respect” after discussing the subject in a few sessions with my middle-aged client, Bonnie. In one session, she reported that her mother asked her, “You don’t respect me, do you?” In another, Bonnie asked me, “Do you respect me?” Clearly there’s a link between the two queries. I suggested that Bonnie and her mother both were barking up the wrong tree because by asking people if they respect us, we’re making what they think of us of more value than what we...

Every time I read an article that describes the “right” approach to eating or the actions to take to do just about anything—balance your life, be successful, make and keep friends, etc—I cringe. Really, I do. Sure, there are things other people know that we don’t, but when it comes to knowledge about your wants and needs, only you have the answers. I also recognize that many of you don’t trust yourselves which comes from years of trying to trust yourself and failing spectacularly. So now you’re reluctant to listen to what your body says about when, what and how much to eat; when to go to sleep and awaken; how to balance work and play; and steps to take to enjoy life. Yes, there are best practices for many things which are based on proven science: smoking cigarettes isn’t healthy, nor is going without adequate sleep, isolating from friends and...

An article on ways therapists could do a better job asking how clients are faring sexually made me wonder if I may be guilty of dodging the subject. I’ve posted several blogs that touch on sex, so I’ve put it out there for discussion. My point in bringing it up here is to say sexual health is part of well-being and may be an issue that bothers you which you don’t speak about, especially if you’re higher weight and/or have body shame. First off, as adults, let’s agree there’s nothing wrong with talking about sex or sexual health. It’s time to toss archaic religious views and teachings on the subject as taboo or nasty and look at sexual health and enjoyment as a birthright right along with mental, emotional, and physical health. It should not be a verboten subject as it often seems to be in our ostensibly advanced culture. Sex...

French philosopher, historian, author and political activist Paul-Michel Foucault espoused an ethic of self-care based upon “his broader philosophical views on power, knowledge, and the self.” He saw ethics as an outcome of our outer world as much as our inner one and viewed it as key to conscious living and mental and physical health—a far cry from our current one-size-fits-all, often oppressive self-care ideas and ideals.  Our ethics are the moral principles we (hopefully consciously) choose to guide our lives, the principles that make us do this and not that. Foucault argued that “modern societies have developed a form of power that operates through the regulation and normalization of individuals’ behaviours and identities. In this context, self-care becomes a crucial practice for individuals to resist and navigate these mechanisms of power.”  These overt and covert societal or cultural expectations dictate how we should be and act. Never underestimate the hold...

I begged my parents to send me to therapy at age 14 in 1961. I’ve gone back since then for individual, family and couple’s work and it’s always been a great help. Which is why it’s been hard to wrap my mind around people not wanting to go to therapy.  As a seasoned therapist, I now get it and feel sad the experience doesn’t call to people as it did to me and that many refuse to go. Maybe they went once and nothing changed. Or they felt worse after sessions and were too impatient to hang in long enough to turn around their lives. Or they had a negative experience with an unskilled therapist or one who actually harmed them emotionally. Or maybe they just gave up on themselves. Then there’s the fact that even in this day and age, our culture sends out contradictory messages about psychological help. Some...

Some clients meander through life with no clear picture of who or how they wish to be. They say, “That’s so not me,” when I mention a characteristic or practice someone has or does. As if they could never imagine being anything other than exactly who they are now. Remember, we’re never stuck with being who we don’t want to be because we can model ourselves after people we admire. I admire people who: Are insightful/psychological/reflective. They work hard at knowing themselves and continue to change and grow throughout their lives. They’re curious, flexible, deep thinkers who can change their minds when new facts or insights arise. Take care of themselves. They take good care of themselves physically, mentally and emotionally. They seek medical and psychological care when needed, follow best evidence-based practices and the wisdom of science and academia, and enjoy depending on and being cared for by others.Take care of others. While...

We have varying reasons for interacting with people, that is, for opening our mouths and either asking a question or making a statement. But I’d wager that far more often than we’d like to admit, we speak off the cuff rather than knowing exactly why we’re saying what we’re saying. Such blatant ignorance of intention not only may harm others and our relationships with them (think children), but it’s a bad habit which does us no good. Some folks are often irrational and most of us are that way sometimes. Blame it on the human brain. When you’re interacting with others, you want to keep an eye not only on what’s going on within you, but what’s happening within them. Are you or they trying to win argument, be right, make the other person wrong, blame, shame, or cause pain, all of which are unhelpful tactics. These are overreactions, dysregulated emotions...

During one week, two clients changed right in front of my eyes. Though for privacy reasons, I changed some details about them here, I tried to stay true to their epiphanies. As I’ve been working with both for several years, I know their accomplishments weren’t fly-by-night transformations.  Client 1, Raul, a 35-year-old man with PTSD from childhood and military service shared this: “So, maybe my life change is happening because I recognize my PTSD, anxiety, etc. I mean I see it when it’s happening. I’m now able to share my feelings, even cry, or stand up for myself in an adult way. Ok, so really I am finally allowing myself to feel, and I agree with the feeling. One of those feelings is I love myself. I really do.” Raul has gone from being a trauma victim to trauma survivor and is now enjoying post-traumatic growth. He’s still a bit wary...

Recently I’ve seen a spate of clients who can’t for the life of them comprehend why other people aren’t as nice as they are. “How can people be so nasty and mean?” or “I don’t understand what anyone gets out of hurting others,” they ask me. And I wonder why they can’t grasp that people have reasons for becoming and being hurtful.  Several years ago, when this subject came up with clients, I blogged about why someone’s personal history makes it hard to confront someone’s unkindness which often contributes to their noxious behavior worsening. I guess I still haven’t hit upon the right answer, because here I am blogging on the subject again. Several theories come to mind. One is that many clients with such naïveté about others’ abusiveness had abusive parents themselves. If not outright abusive, their parents were seriously self-involved, parent-centered, aloof or unempathic. Perhaps being mistreated as adults...

I’m not talking science fiction here when I tell you there’s another life you could be living—right now, today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life. I’m talking about the one you create by making healthy large and small decisions every minute of every day.  Mary Louise, in her sixties, is married to a man who’s been abusive since their early days together. She had a traumatic childhood in which she was neglected and abused and chose the same kind of relationship in each of her three marriages. Aside from her choice in men, she’s a wonderful, smart, kind, caring, curious, funny, lovely woman. But every day she rises and takes care of her misery of an ungrateful, mean husband.  This need not be the case. She could leave him. Money would be tight, but it’s tight now. On her own, she’d be free at last to take care of...

One of the saddest aspects of client work is watching many of you drift through life. Maybe you used to feel passion and purpose but have become so mired in eating problems, depression or anxiety, you’ve lost all desire to make something of yourself or be part of making the world a better place. Or, maybe due to trauma or always putting others’ needs before your own, you’ve never given thought to why you’re on this earth. Of course, we’re here because we were birthed onto the planet and had no choice about it. And by asking why, I don’t mean why you’re here in a spiritual way, though that view is fine, but the fact that you are a unique being and no one who has lived or will live (cloning aside) will lead your particular life ever again. You see the world in a certain way and have special...

      When I wrote The Rules of “Normal” Eating, a colleague advised against using the word “rules” in the title because it was too diet-like and external sounding, while my view was on using internal guidelines for eating. This complex issue often arises in treating eating problems. Clients who were raised in rules-bound households commonly have difficulty letting go of the do-this-not that mentality. While chafing at the bit to break dieting rules, they’re also terrified they’ll start a free-for-all they won’t be able to stop.  This was the internal conflict for my client, Claudette. While her mother was a stickler for rules, bordering on the obsessive, her father laid out a litany of them he never bothered to follow, such as telling Claudette she should always be nice to people and not argue, while he was a confrontational, my-way-or-the-highway guy. Consequently, when it came to rules, especially around...

Why do we seem so surprised when things pop up that are a pain in the butt or a knife in the heart? Why is it such a shock to the system? We think, “Honestly, after having such a great day, now I have to deal with this (whatever this is). Why can’t things just go right?” We’re taken aback when things go wrong because we don’t dare believe “bad” things happen no matter how healthy, rich, wise, smart, or good we are.  For example, you enjoy a lovely day working in the garden, pot-lucking with friends, finishing a riveting book, or visiting with favorite family members and that night or the next day the washing machine breaks down, your boss calls you into their office to discuss a project of yours that didn’t go well, or your child falls and breaks a leg.  Life consists of ups and downs, good...

Many people are so focused on outcomes—winning, succeeding, achieving perfection or controlling life—they forget the importance of standing up for themselves and others. Is something only worthwhile when it turns out how you want or is there value in what you do even if you don’t win or things don’t turn out as you’d hoped?  For example, my client Bessa had intestinal problems for decades and had seen local doctors who’d done very little for her. I finally convinced her to go to a well known medical center a few hours away. She was proud of making the appointment and had asked her mother to drive with her and stay overnight. But, between difficulties with insurance and medical test scheduling she ended up cancelling her appointment. This triggered her disappointment, anger, and feeling like a victim (which she was in childhood). Once again she felt neglected, like a loser, and that...

Jonathan Alpert’s article, We're Spending $300 Billion a Year on Mental Health Care. Why Is It Making Us Sicker? raises the question of whether we can do a proper job as psychotherapists if we’re afraid to cause clients psychological and emotional distress. The article prompted discussion among my colleagues about the point of therapy and how differing generational experiences impact therapeutic approaches. In our 60s, 70s and 80s now, we were brought up by parents who’d endured World War II and the Great Depression and our therapeutic approach is old style—tell it like it is and play it as it lays. So, it makes sense that our method might differ from that of the current crop of therapists who were raised with gentle parenting, trigger warnings, and both the forgiveness and self-esteem-for-all movements at the end of the last century. Our discussion brought to mind a former client I’d seen when...

Many of my clients fear making mistakes. I don’t mean they’re a bit uneasy about it: they’re terrified of not doing things right because they imagine vague catastrophic consequences if they do something wrong. They believe the problem is their lack of confidence. In part, they’re right. But they’re also missing another trait for success. My middle-aged client Mandy had many jobs in her life and left each one because she was unhappy, never because her work was shoddy or criticized. She was, in many ways, an outstanding employee—reliable, honest, detailed, genial, and a quick learner. But each time she left a job, she quaked at beginning a new one. “What if I can’t do it and make too many mistakes?” she worried. “What if I can’t perform the way they want me to? I need more confidence.” While it’s true that she needed to feel more confident, it’s also true...

If you or your family use AI/ChatGPT as “therapy,” consider this warning that isn’t based on personal usage but from a client suddenly dropping out after years of therapy with me via an email in which she refused to give a reason for leaving or have a wrap-up/goodbye session. Rather than sounding like her, the email felt suspiciously like generic AI advice: no need for a final session or to explain why you’re ending therapy but make sure to express lots of gratitude and appreciation to your therapist for their help. In a clinical setting, we employ emotional, intrapersonal, social, and interpersonal intelligence. But, because AI “therapists” lack these types of intuitive knowing from personal and professional experience, all they can provide is the impression or impersonation of a human therapist’s take on problems and solutions.  A major deficit is that AI doesn’t know what it doesn’t know and, therefore, can’t...

My client Saul and I had an enlightening chat about what could possibly replace his yearning for perfection in order to feel good about himself. Actually, for Saul perfection is beyond simple desire and more a matter of emotional life-and-death: If I don’t do this perfectly/Since I didn’t do this perfectly, I may as well curl up and die.  Saul was describing an incident in which he’d been caught and called out on something he did to someone else surreptitiously. He said he wanted to die on the spot and couldn’t apologize enough to make himself feel okay. I could feel the agony pouring out of him even in the telling of the tale.  What is it about the relentless drive, the niggling obsession, the almost palpable hunger for perfection that makes us want to disappear when we don’t achieve it? I’d say when it comes to perfection shame is the...

I once had a client who’d informally poll everyone she knew—family, co-workers, friends—whenever she had to make a decision. I don’t mean just major decisions about changing jobs or boyfriends, I mean relatively minor ones like what color to paint her walls or which TV show to watch on a Saturday night. I’m by no means making fun of her. I felt sorry for her because she literally didn’t have a mind of her own. I wonder how many of you are like that, especially in recent years with the advent of social media. Women (I can’t speak for men) mostly used to seek out magazines telling us what to wear/say/do/think/feel/eat/weigh. Now messages blast us from everywhere. And, instead of making us more secure, which is what I think we seek to feel, they only make us feel shakier about our ability to make effective decisions for ourselves.  If you’re someone...

I was talking with my client Aayra about how she, as a manager, could handle writing a warning to an insubordinate subordinate. I could tell from her body language that Aayra was uncomfortable writing anything highly critical about her employee and she was finally able to identify why. “Having power over someone can hurt them,” she insisted. I was pleased that she shared this sentiment because it would help her better understand her tendency to dance around correcting her subordinate and others in order to not hurt their feelings. Growing up Aayra had a domineering father and a submissive mother. No one dared challenge Dad because in their family it was his way or the highway. To Aayra, power meant bossing people around and being mean. Done on a regular basis, we call this pattern emotional abuse. Moreover, Aayra’s parents were immigrants to the U.S. from India and both had been...

Where you get your information matters greatly and is often an indicator of your mental health. I’ve been pondering this subject due to a few conversations which left me so dumbstruck I had to sit with the feelings they generated before I could write about them.  I was talking with person #1, a highly intelligent Millennial, about a news incident that occurred several months ago. Not to wade too deeply into politics, but it was about Haitian immigrants stealing and eating pets in Springfield, Ohio. Their governor and all the credible news reports I found said it didn’t happen, but that this was a centuries-old trope meant to demean Haitians. Person #1 said he heard on social media it was true and was keeping an open mind about the possibility of it having happened. In a conversation with person #2, a Gen Zer said she’d found a new skin regime but...

Another week, another theme that developed in my therapy sessions: why some people feel an intense need to defend and explain themselves to others? If you read my books and blogs, it will come as no surprise that this behavioral pattern begins as an adaptation in childhood and morphs into being maladaptive in adulthood. In one example, my client Taryn said she wanted to stop lending money she didn’t have to people who frequently hit on her for loans. I suggested we do a role play with me being the person asking and her being herself. I began with a sob story about my broken washing machine and ended with my ask. She immediately began to explain why she couldn’t lend me the money without coming right out and saying no.  This led to a discussion about Taryn always having felt a need growing up to explain herself in order to...

Whenever I share the secret to suffering less, people generally misconstrue what I’m saying or react as if I’m crazy. It’s not even a secret, but has been part of Buddhism since its inception, rooted in the simple belief that because we have limited control over outcomes, it’s best not to get attached to them. By that I mean desiring and working your butt off for a result but not having your happiness dependent on achieving it. At dinner a group of us were discussing climate change and how, if we keep doing what we’re doing to destroy our world and its atmosphere, it likely will be the end of civilization as we know it. I completely agreed with others but while they were saying, “We can’t let this happen,” a little voice in me said, “Well, we have some choice, but it still could happen.” When I voiced my opinion,...

Whether you want to change your child’s or partner’s behavior, try teaching instead of preaching. You might think that telling people what to do—make your bed, do your homework, bring in the trash—is making sure loved ones do what they “should” be doing. Sure, giving instructions can be helpful when you’re training someone on how to do an activity (like roller skating or writing a check), but it doesn’t generally engage folks unless they’re actively seeking your input. Any other time, it just sounds kind of preachy. Take my client Jill who’s trying to teach her daughter, Ina, to stand up for herself. Whenever Jill preaches, Ina alternates between tuning her out and snapping at her. Poor Jill is only doing what her mother did to her: preach. So, I suggested we do a role play to show her another way of approaching Ina. Like Jill, I purposely modeled a one-down...

I’m a believer that whatever negative stereotypes people have of us, we can override them by focusing on what we think of ourselves. If you don’t like or accept me because I’m “x”—female, Jewish, secular, a Democrat—does that mean I shouldn’t like myself?  In the 60s, 70s and 80s, eating disorders weren’t openly talked about due to heavy stigma around bingeing and purging. Even folks who knew about my binge-eating had no idea I had bulimia until I broke through my shame and told a friend, enabling me to then open up to others. I had an eating disorder. So what? Proud that I was trying to get better, I stopped caring what people thought about it or me because I knew I had to give up the shame about the disorder, as well as the behaviors, to become healthy.  Now eating disorders and mental health problems are less stigmatized and...

Clients often come to therapy in a conundrum about leaving a situation that makes them unhappy because all they can imagine is that this option will cause them equal or more emotional pain than their present choice. They can’t see past these two (or more) dysfunctional options to one that is healthy and functional. Here are some examples.  At 42, my client Paulina was still living with her mother due to her low-paying job. They fought constantly and Paulina wanted to move out, but the only option she saw was living in a shelter. When I suggested she share an apartment or find a job that paid enough to get her own small place, she said that would never happen because she wasn’t smart enough to go back to school or get a “really good job.” All she could envision was living with Mom or in a shelter, two options that...

In writing about “hallmarks” of all-or-nothing, rigid thinkers,” I’m talking mostly about recognizing this pattern in others, but it wouldn’t hurt to check to see if you habitually share this dysfunctional mindset. As you read the examples below, notice the words that signal all/nothing thinking: always, constantly, never, only, all the time, every time. They’re absolute and at either end of a spectrum which indicates polarized thinking.  For example, in a meeting I was in, a participant said to someone, “You constantly talk about your health. You never talk about anything else. Why don’t you just be more positive?” Well, fact is, the accused didn’t always talk about their health, which made me wonder what triggered the accuser to speak in such either-or terms, harsh terms.  In another instance, when I challenged a client about her lateness to sessions, they said sarcastically, “Oh, you’re never late, are you? I’m always late...

I recently read an enlightening article about how to manifest our desires and would like to pass on what it says because so many people want to change but have trouble doing so. Dr. James R. Doty, MD on the faculty of the Stanford University School of Medicine looks to the brain to give us answers about getting and staying on track. He starts off by making sure we understand that the pain of trauma is “powerful enough to alter not only our own genes, but, as researchers in the field of epigenetics have discovered, the genes of subsequent generations.” PTSD happens in your body, especially your brain. Because many people don’t recognize they’re trauma victims or survivors, that’s the place to start if you’re not living the life you want. Understand that: 1) the difficulties you had earlier in life (due to family, class, race, religion, gender, etc.) may have...

  One of the models I learned that explains human development is Milton Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development: trust, independence, initiative, accomplishment, identity, relationships, contribution, reflection. Erikson, who was a child psychologist, believed that at each stage of development, we face a crisis and that “by resolving it, we develop psychological strengths that help us become confident and healthy people.” He conceived of these stages as lasting from months to years, starting in infancy and ending in late adulthood. We now know that learning is neither so clear cut nor linear. However, his understanding of human nature and maturity still hold true.  We want to learn to trust early on because we’re totally dependent on adults for everything. Our initial relationships override all others and neurologically set up the wiring for us to feel safe with and trust other people to help and take care of us. If you don’t feel...

We all, to greater or lesser extent, sometimes find it difficult to motivate ourselves to do something. People who have depression or carry a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder may find starting and finishing tasks harder than others. For all of us, there are three powerful emotions (maybe more!) that can help you get tasks done. And you get to feel them as soon as you’ve accomplished what you set out to do. The first one is relief. Whether the toilets need cleaning, the car is past due for an oil change, or it’s time for your yearly dental check up, I guarantee you’ll feel better when you’ve finished the task. When you’ve done what you wanted, instead of badgering yourself for not having done it sooner or better or still feeling overwhelmed by the other chores you “need” to do, immediately let the relief flow through you. Think: “I...

My doctor’s nurse mentioned she was getting married and her fiancé insisted on her taking his name though she didn’t really want to. I immediately thought “red flag,” but she seemed to see nothing wrong with his insistence. “It’s sweet that he wants me to take his name,” she said. This, I thought, is exactly how things start to slide down hill. Advice columnist Carolyn Hax asks a letter writer who missed red flags: “Did you ignore them? Rationalize them as something else, or wish them away?” In fact, knowing why you fail to react to obvious red flags via ignoring, rationalizing and/or wishful thinking is the best way to stop this behavior in order to avoid and get out of hurtful relationships. Ignoring. My client Foster is married to a bully who calls him names. She did it two times in a couples’ session which I mentioned to him when...

No one likes to have their feelings hurt. One way to avoid it is to take an objective look at the transaction that’s occurring. Ask yourself who is hurting you: someone who matters or someone who doesn’t. Ask yourself if what the person is saying to or about you is true. If it is and the person who’s hurt you is someone you value, then take a look at what they said and see if the shoe fits. By hurting you, they may be trying to help you. Another approach is to understand that people who intentionally do or say something to hurt you are hurt people who are trying to rid themselves of pain by tossing it over to you. For example, if you’re working on a project that fails and your boss wasn’t on top of it and accuses you of not picking up his slack, he’s blaming you...

One of the essential life skills for us all is self-validation. It means believing in the accuracy and value of what you feel and think. Does it mean you can never be wrong in your emptions or thoughts? Of course not. It means that no one can ever presume to know better than you what you’re feeling or thinking. Not your parents, friends, partners, boss, colleagues or anyone. These assessments are yours and yours alone. It sounds so simple to self-validate, but that isn’t always the case. For instance, a client was having lunch with her grown children when she mentioned how hard she’d worked as a single parent to always seem upbeat and energetic when she was “worn out to the bone most of the time.” Her children jumped on her, saying things like she couldn’t have been so worn out because she smiled so much and did everything she...

You may think “welcome to the unknown” is a strange title for an eating disorders blog. Actually, it’s perfect, because many people turn to food when they’re anxious about the future. After all, we all want control over our lives because it’s hard-wired into human DNA to try and protect ourselves from physical and emotional harm. If you met someone who didn’t give a fig about what happened to themselves or their loved ones, you’d think them strange. My client Georgio is overwhelmed because his mother broke her leg and he’s her primary caretaker. During one therapy session, he insisted, “She can’t fall down again. She can’t. She could die.” And there’s my client Morgan who’s in a panic about keeping her grades up in veterinary school in order to hold onto her scholarship. She tells me session after session, nearly weeping, “I absolutely cannot lose this scholarship.”  I understand Georgio’s...

I had an fascinating discussion with a client about being taken care of. Whereas emotionally healthy folks enjoy—dare I say treasure and glory in?— people showering them with love, attention and affection, unhealthier people (with low self-esteem and self-worth) often feel oddly discomfited and sometimes even unsettled. If you grew up with parents or relatives always telling you to be strong and self-reliant, and/or if they modeled this behavior themselves, you might believe there’s something deficient in you when you lean on others or accept their unsolicited nurturing. Not true.  The goal is to be independent and dependent, as in “sometimes it would feel great for you to take care of me and sometimes I’m good doing it on my own, thanks.” Noelle, a client, has struggled with both getting sucked into taking care of others at her own expense and believing her value and lovability come solely from taking care...

Not a week goes by without my hearing someone excuse pushy, critical, inappropriate or boundary-crossing behavior by saying the person “means well.” Are you one of those folks who defends a person hurting you or others because you believe they do it with the best of intentions? If so, please allow me to share another perspective.  My client, Dee’s, teenage daughter is regularly chastised by her weight-obsessed grandmother for being “fat.” Dee used to defend her mother by saying she means well—but now understands that whether she does or doesn’t is beside the point. Grandma’s remarks hurt her daughter which is unacceptable. Moreover, her (narcissistic) mother is crossing a boundary between daughter and granddaughter. She doesn’t care if she upsets either of them, as she’s all about having a grandchild who reflects well on her.  My client, Gordie, worries about his wife enabling their under-employed adult son. She does everything for...

It’s hard getting clients to say positive things to themselves. Super hard. You’d think they’d be eager to engage in self-encouragement, as in, “Boy, it’s great to stop saying all those negative things to myself. All they ever did was bum me out. Being my own cheerleader makes all these wonderful feelings bubble up inside me and that makes me feel so good. Why would anyone want to say downer things to themselves?” Why indeed? How can you not feel awful when you say awful things to yourself? Some folks say faking it til they make isn’t right because it’s, well, not true. But, that’s the whole point of saying it: to make it true because you’re telling yourself how to feel good. That’s how the human mind works. To put it simply, if you want to feel better, say better things to yourself. If you want to feel awful, well,...

People get confused by what it means to understand versus accept someone’s behavior. Sometimes understanding does move us toward acceptance and other times it makes no difference. That is, understanding doesn’t necessarily mean acceptance. For example, an elderly parent or grandparent who has some form of dementia may repeatedly ask you questions, forget what you asked them, or blurt out things inappropriately. Stepping back you can understand what’s happening with them, including that they mean no harm, and then decide if their behavior is acceptable. It’s likely that you would find it tolerable and not take what they say or do personally.    Then there are cases when you could care less why someone is doing something because whatever the reason is, you’re unwilling to accept their bad behavior. Say a friend wants to drive you somewhere when it’s obvious to the world they’ve had too much to drink. Hopefully, you...

Are you a “procrastin-eator”—someone who heads for the refrigerator when they’re not hungry to avoid doing a task you don’t want to do? Many dysregulated eaters use food as a way to put off off-putting activities rather than dig in and get them done.  The internet abounds with instructions for ending procrastination, yet it remains a major problem for many folks, especially those who carry an ADHD diagnosis. Not that you need to have ADHD to procrastinate. It’s characterized by: “Having uncertain goals, feeling overwhelmed, experiencing difficulty concentrating, holding onto negative beliefs, experiencing personal problems, becoming or being easily bored, setting unrealistic goals, being afraid of failure, making excuses.” Though some criteria are a bit vague, you get the picture. Here are some useful thoughts on how to overcome the emotional discomfort caused by having tasks to do from How to Stop Procrastinating. If you view yourself as someone who procrastinates,...