Whenever I share the secret to suffering less, people generally misconstrue what I’m saying or react as if I’m crazy. It’s not even a secret, but has been part of Buddhism since its inception, rooted in the simple belief that because we have limited control over outcomes, it’s best not to get attached to them. By that I mean desiring and working your butt off for a result but not having your happiness dependent on achieving it.

At dinner a group of us were discussing climate change and how, if we keep doing what we’re doing to destroy our world and its atmosphere, it likely will be the end of civilization as we know it. I completely agreed with others but while they were saying, “We can’t let this happen,” a little voice in me said, “Well, we have some choice, but it still could happen.” When I voiced my opinion, they were astonished because they thought I was saying the earth’s annihilation was okay with me.

I was saying nothing of the kind, only that the idea was a potential outcome we didn’t have complete control over. And they were struggling to convince me that I shouldn’t even entertain failure as a possibility, as if my imagining it somehow would have an impact on whether it became a reality or not. The truth is I’ve marched against what we’re doing to the planet and given money to climate change organizations which I’ll continue to do. My husband even worked for one of them.

What I refuse to do is worry myself silly over the possibility that we might destroy ourselves. How would my anguish now do any good? What it would do is ruin a lovely dinner with friends. My point is that we can try our hardest to make things happen or, as in this case, not happen, and still accept that the worst might come true. 

We can separate conflicting thoughts in our minds. They can be painful, but we don’t need to cling to them or deny them because they hurt. When we insist our team has to win, our marriage must last, and our children need to remain happy and healthy, it’s because we understandably don’t want to face the feelings we’d have if things turn out otherwise. But just because we’re pained by an outcome, doesn’t mean it won’t occur.

We cannot know the future. It simply is not possible and all the hoping, wishing and praying things will work out won’t change that. All we can do is work our hardest to make life be as we desire it to be and make that enough for us. Telling ourselves things must turn out a certain way is totally human but not useful. If you can step away from whatever pain you might feel about the future and hold the thought you’ll be okay no matter what, you’ll learn to bear whatever you thought was unbearable.

Best,

Karen