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Karen's Blogs

Blogs are brief, to-the-point, conversational and packed with information, strategies, and tips to turn troubled eaters into “normal” eaters and to help you enjoy a happier, healthier life.Sign up by clicking "Subscribe" below and they’ll arrive in your inbox. 

Gaslighting

Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--and Break Free Image of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--and Break Free Reviewed by: Karen R. Koenig (Originally published at New York Journal of Books) https://www.nyjournalofbooks.com/book-review/gaslighting “Although this book might be painful to read for gaslighting victims and survivors, it will bring them out of the darkness and into the light, helping them heal . . .” With or without our knowledge, most of us have met a gaslighter or two at some point in our lives or know someone who has been deceived by one. The scary truth is that these master manipulators are often our neighbors, friends, spouses, children, siblings, parents, co-workers, bosses, or political leaders. We may call them difficult, challenging, crazy-making, morally corrupt, narcissistic, power-hungry, or abusive because we don’t know enough psychology to give them the more precise label they warrant. The term gaslighting, a type of psychological...
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How to Snap Out of Traumatic Memories

I often blog about Rapid Resolution Therapy to treat trauma memories, and encourage readers wishing to resolve old issues quickly, or simply improve their lives, to learn more about it at http://www.rapidresolutiontherapy.com . In the meantime, try this practice next time you’re upset or don’t want to feel so emotional. Some background: We often feel distress when we confuse actual events going on in the present with emotion-laden memories of events that are stored in our amygdala. Its job is to automatically warn us of incoming threats by being alert to situations and events which are similar to ones we’ve experienced as fearful and disturbing. Casting an ultra-wide net and using general criteria, it triggers a warning every time an event in the present comes close to being like a scary one from the past. The problem is that when the amygdala gets triggered, memories from previous painful situations flood through...
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What Jane Fonda Has to Teach You About Mental Health

Whether or not you’re a fan of Jane Fonda as an actress or an activist, she has a lot to teach us about recovering from bulimia and body image disorder, discovering and expressing one’s authentic self, and achieving self-esteem. At 81, she’s far from past her prime and actually may just be reaching it. Or, so I thought, after watching Jane Fonda in Five Acts ( https://www.hbo.com/documentaries/jane-fonda-in-five-acts ). Growing up in a highly dysfunctional family, she was a sad child. Her father, the actor Henry Fonda, was far from fatherly and she wanted nothing more than to please him. Her mother suffered from depression and died by suicide when Jane was 12. Jane says that her perfectionism began at a very early age, based on the belief that if she did everything right and flawlessly, she would please and get the love she needed from her parents and others. Toward this...
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How Do You View Feeling Broken?

How do you view your “broken” spots? Are they embarrassing areas of your life that you can’t bear to think or talk about? Do they make you feel less than and as if you’ll never see yourself or be seen as normal? When you think of your mistakes and failures, do you cringe and hope that no one ever finds out about them? I seriously hope not, but if you do, this photo and the explanation that goes with it may shift your view and make you feel a whole lot better about yourself. This beautiful bowl is unique because of its fractures. I love that idea. For example, part of my uniqueness (and, oddly, my professional success) comes from having had eating disorders galore—chronic dieting, overeating/emotional/compulsive eating, and bulimia. At the time, I felt horrible about my behaviors and incredibly defective and broken. Now I look back and proudly think...
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Are You Stuck Between Blame and Shame?

Unfortunately, most women I talk to have been victims of sexual assault or harassment at some point in their lives. I’m sure many men have been as well. These events occur on a continuum from minor to major and can do lasting psychological damage. For survivors of such incidents, it’s important that you don’t simply push them out of memory or take on the shame that you are in any way to blame. How you view what happened to you is part of how you relate to your body. Here are some do’s and don’ts for survivors that also need to be understood by those who are close to them. I speak as someone who has encountered sexual assault in various forms over my life-time—an attempted rape in college, in my 20s narrowly escaping being forced into my apartment building by a man who was trying to assault me, a doctor...
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Become More Than an Abuse Survivor

I work a good deal with women who’ve been abused emotionally, physically and sexually. When I meet them, they’re usually trying to leave or have just escaped an abusive relationship. Sometimes divorce fails to end the abuse, which continues because they need to have exchanges about finances or children. My goal for clients is to move from victim to survivor to thriver , to go from fractured to healing to whole. Note that though I use “him” for abuser, the “him” could easily be a “her.”   If you’re a victim or survivor of abuse, I hope that by laying out the elements of each stage, you’ll be inspired to move forward. If you’re not a victim, you may know someone who is, and through understanding the change process they need to go through, you’ll be able to give them hope and whatever support they need to cope, heal and prosper....
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Attachment Disorders Due to Parental Separation

I don’t wish to fall into the quagmire of politics here, but I need to speak out about the dire consequences that happen when children are separated from their parents. If you don’t believe me, read what British psychologist John Bowlby, American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth, or American psychologist Harry Harlow wrote about attachment disorders and separation. Their research is downright chilling. Better yet, look at your own young children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews and notice the profound distress they feel when they are—or even think they are—separated from you. Or think back to your early life and consider how enforced separations shaped how you relate to people today. You don’t need to be a therapist to understand how attachments and separations are likely to adversely affect mental health for a lifetime.   If you want to delve into some heart-breaking psychology to understand the primacy and legacy of attachment and separation,...
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Adverse Childhood Experiences May Affect Your Life and Eating Today

Many dysregulated eaters are affected by traumatic events and may not realize it. These events, called “adverse childhood experiences” or ACEs, are, unfortunately, so commonplace in some families and sub-cultures of society that it may not occur to you that they could have a huge, negative impact on your life—or your eating. Though these events happened long ago and you may have minimized, suppressed, rationalized, or repressed (unconsciously forgotten) them, by recognizing them, you can better understand your emotional (and eating) dysregulation and reactivity today.   ACEs include: “being sworn at, insulted, or humiliated by parents; being pushed, grabbed, or having something thrown at you; feeling that your family didn’t support each other; having parents who were separated or divorced; living with an alcoholic or drug user; living with someone who was depressed or attempted suicide; watching a loved one be physically abused.” (Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and...
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How to Gain Resilience After Trauma

Although they may not recognize it, many dysregulated eaters are trauma survivors. I can sometimes intuit a history of trauma when clients see themselves as having something gravely wrong with them that makes them irrevocably defective. For those of you who view yourselves this way, here’s how to get beyond trauma to resilience.   The central question you must ask and answer is: Is there something wrong with me or did something bad happen to me ? Take a moment to notice if your first reaction is that there’s something wrong with or bad about you. Don’t judge your reaction; simply allow yourself to be curious about it.   In fact, what you’ve internalized as self-badness or defectiveness is nothing of the kind. The truth is that bad or, maybe, terrible things did happen to you. Through no fault of your own, you were the recipient of poor parenting through abuse...
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Sexual Harassment and Abuse

For both men and women, being sexually harassed or abused can take a toll on your psyche and trigger emotional eating as a way to relieve stress or to numb feelings. Your eating problems may be connected to violations caused by sexual harassment or abuse and eating is how you’ve been trying to cope with your feelings about it.   “Harassment can include ‘sexual harassment’ or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature…it can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general…Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment...
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Post-Traumatic Growth

I bet all of you have heard of Post-traumatic stress, but I wonder how many of you know about Post-traumatic growth. We so often think of the downside of trauma—depression, hypervigilance, anxiety and flashbacks—but it turns out that there’s an upside to it as well. The term, post-traumatic growth, was first used by Richard Tedeschi, Ph.D. and Lawrence Calhoun, Ph.D. in 1995 at the University of North Carolina to describe the positive changes that they saw in patients  who had been affected by and were struggling with trauma.   If you are someone who’s been impacted by trauma, you might find it hard to believe that there’s anything positive about it, but research tells us that there is. "People develop new understandings of themselves, the world they live in, how to relate to other people, the kind of future they might have and a better understanding of how to live life,"...
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Another Option Besides Being Blind-sided or Hypervigilant

One of my clients mentioned that she feared letting down her guard around people because of the many abusive people who’ve been in her life. Although she understood that she could pick more appropriate, mentally healthy people now, she wasn’t quite sure she was ready to. What she said she was ready to do is to give up her emotional eating when these people got her upset.   Her comments led me to thinking of how many dysregulated eaters I’ve met are often too trusting and open with those who hurt them repeatedly, but hyper-vigilant and closed off from folks they actually could benefit from being more vulnerable to. Somehow, they got things exactly backward. The fact is that these are patterns learned in childhood that get carried into adulthood when we don’t regularly need either type of behavior any more. Sometimes people evolve to swing between both operating styles so...
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Are You Often Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop?

Do you ever feel as if things are going swimmingly in your life—even as you’re waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop? If you frequently feel this paradoxical tug of simultaneous joy and fear, let me explain this dynamic and what you can do about it, the goal being that you lose the fear and keep the joy. That’s what you want, isn’t it?   Somewhere along the way (okay, probably in childhood), you weren’t in charge of making yourself happy and had to share that job with parents, siblings and maybe even other relatives. Perhaps you’d be right in the middle of some joyful activity and something not so good would happen to pull the rug out from under you. In this way, you learned to become wary of feeling too good for too long because you figured that that there was a shoe out there ready to drop...
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Hyperarousal and Dissociation and Emotional Eating

Many dysregulated eaters bounce back and forth between two states: wildly emotional or detached and unfeeling. Both are a product of traumatic experiences and can lead to mindless, emotional and binge eating. By understanding why this happens to your mind/body, you will be better able to recognize these states, cope with them more effectively, and manage your eating more appropriately. These states, often the result of emotional, physical or sexual trauma, are hyperarousal and dissociation. The former is what we call the “fight or flight” response and is defined as “a state of increased psychological and physiological tension marked by such effects as reduced pain tolerance, anxiety, exaggeration of startle responses, insomnia, fatigue and accentuation of personality traits.” (“Hyperarousal” by Eileen Bailey, Health Central, http://www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/c/1443/159977/hyperarousal/ ). Hyperarousal occurs when you’re highly agitated and so overwhelmed with emotion that you can’t think straight. Hyper-vigilance, or heightened fear, often goes along with hyperarousal....
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Imagine Yourself With a Different Childhood

May 22 Imagine a different childhood
Image by Debbie Digioia   The other day I got to thinking about what many of my clients lives would be like if they’d been more valued and loved growing up. Relentlessly down on themselves, they harbor strong feelings that something is inherently wrong with them and that their defects are unfixable. The fact is, however, that they have no more flaws than the rest of us and lots fewer than many folks. There’s not a thing basically wrong with them, but everything wrong with the meaning they made of their value because of how they were treated in childhood.   I raise this subject because feeling defective, more often than not, comes before eating problems. Clients describe it as experiencing a sense of not belonging, that others fit in better than they do, as not being adequate or good enough, as walking around with a stigma that they are less...
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Trauma Survivors and Emotional Eating

TRAUMA BLOG 3 16 17
  Image by Debbie Digioia   If you were a victim of trauma in childhood, it’s essential to understand that you may have a more complex set of problems than a dysregulated eater who hasn’t had traumatic experiences. This fact was brought home to me while I was reading “How Trauma Can Make a Victim a Victimizer: Using Empathy to Help Abusers Make Amends” by Noel Larson (Psychotherapy Networker online 7/12/16).   Childhood trauma—including neglect and sexual/emotional/physical abuse—more often than not, produces a dysregulated nervous system. Larson tells us that, “When the primary caregiver is unwilling or unable to regulate an infant’s stress through attunement, the child suffers extreme anxiety, even terror. The child who doesn’t get the message that everything’s going to be all right can grow up unable to regulate his or her own affect. Without attunement, the infant’s brain has two major options: hyperarousal or dissociation. A hyperaroused...
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Book Review – Healing from Hidden Abuse

Every so often I come across a book that’s not about eating, but whose subject matter may cause us to turn to food for solace. Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas, LCSW is such a book, and I’m grateful that a client recommended it to me. If you’re in any kind of relationship with a toxic person who abuses you psychologically—friend, colleague, boss, family member, lover, spouse, neighbor—you need validation, understanding of the dynamics that are occurring, and practical solutions, all of which this book provides. Thomas, an abuse survivor, calls hidden abuse “chronic and repetitive secret games being played by an individual, or a group of people against a target. These actions are so well disguised that their venom frequently goes unnoticed” by others while crushing its victim. This happens when someone is “present physically but checked out emotionally,”...
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Harsh Parenting and Risk of Obesity

Let me tell you at the outset that this blog reports on disturbing news, and that the research and conclusions of a study I’m going to tell you about ring absolutely true to what I’ve encountered during 30-plus years of treating people with eating and weight concerns. The article summarizes the conclusions of a study about parenting and childhood obesity (article: “Parents’ harsh tactics raise child’s obesity risk,” Futurity Health and Medicine, 4/20/16; study: “Harsh parenting, physical health, and the protective role of positive parent-adolescent relationships” by Schofield, Conger, Gonzales and Merrick, Social Science and Medicine, vol. 156, 5/16, pp. 18-26). “Harsh parenting may increase a child’s risk for poor physical health and obesity as they get older. And attempts by one parent to counterbalance the harsh behavior are not always effective in lessening the risk. Harsh parenting was defined as parents who reject, coerce, are physically aggressive, and are self-centered,”...
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What Keeps People Stuck in Abusive Relationships?

What keeps people stuck in abusive relationships? One answer is that we’re all rats at heart. No, not bad people as in calling someone “you dirty rat.” I mean that, like the rats in psychologist B.F. Skinner’s conditioning experiments, we form behavioral patterns through experiencing reinforcement of pain and pleasure. On the positive side, rats fed food pellets will continue to seek them out, and humans who are loved will come back for more. On the negative side, rats who receive electric shocks will turn tail and run away, and humans who are mistreated (well, most of us, anyway) will say game over. But what happens when rats receive intermittent reinforcement, if sometimes they get food pellets while other times they get shocked? What do you think they do then? The drive for food is so strong that they remain hopeful and continue to head for what they hope is the...
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How Trauma Can Lead to Personal Growth

Most of us think about trauma as just about the worst thing that can happen to us. And for many, it is. Even if you’ve survived trauma, you still may be dealing with its physical and emotional aftermath, which perhaps includes emotional eating. How, then, can trauma ever have an upside? In “How trauma can change lives—for the better,” Jim Rendon, author of Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth, says yes, indeed, it can (TIME 8/3/15, p. 29). Therapists and the general public have long been schooled in the notion that trauma is terrible and nothing more, he says, one that changes peoples’ lives for the worse and stays with them to death. Post-traumatic stress disorder, with its nightmares, hyper-vigilance and flashbacks, can be frightening to experience or live with in a loved one. What, then, is science telling Rendon that makes him believe that trauma sometimes can be anything...
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This website is owned and operated by Karen R. Koenig, M.Ed., LCSW. It contains material intended for informational and educational purposes only, and reasonable effort is made to keep its contents updated. Any material contained herein is not to be construed as the practice of clinical social work or of psychotherapy, although adherence to applicable Florida States, Rules, and Code of Ethics is observed. Material on this website is not intended as a substitute for medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment for mental health issues or eating disorder problems, which should be done only through individualized therapeutic consultation. Karen R. Koenig, LCSW disclaims any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of any information contained on this website. This website contains links to other sites. The inclusion of such links does not necessarily constitute endorsement by Karen R. Koenig, LCSW who disclaims any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of any information contained in this website. Further, Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, does not and cannot guarantee the accuracy or current usefulness of the material contained in the linked sites. Users of any website must be aware of the limitation to confidentiality and privacy, and website usage does not carry any guarantee or privacy of any information contained therein.  Privacy Policy