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Karen's Blogs

Blogs are brief, to-the-point, conversational and packed with information, strategies, and tips to turn troubled eaters into “normal” eaters and to help you enjoy a happier, healthier life.Sign up by clicking "Subscribe" below and they’ll arrive in your inbox. 

What Does Self-management Involve?

You have one primary job in the world: to manage yourself. If you take care of others, then you have a secondary job as well. If you cannot manage yourself even when you finally become an adult, don’t despair. You can learn. I have many clients who’ve made tremendous strides in self-care in a year or two of therapy. Sound like a long time? Not as long as spending the rest of your life lacking the knowledge for self-management. Self-management, according to Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman who write a syndicated parenting column, involves people learning “how to understand their emotions, contemplate their choices and then make proactive decisions rather than reactive or impulsive ones.” (“Helping kids develop self-management skills, Sarasota Herald Tribune , 11/12/18, B2) Wouldn’t being able to do that go a long way toward helping you eat better? According to Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, authors of “Emotional...
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There’s a Big Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy

Several clients over the decades have insisted that they can’t share certain things about themselves because they’re “very private” people. While I understand their view, I see them as trying to protect themselves from the feeling of vulnerability that may arise from opening up. There’s a difference, you know, between privacy and secrecy. We all need privacy—to be free of observation or disturbance—both emotional and physical, in some aspects of our lives. That’s why there are enclosed spaces for trying on clothes in dressing rooms and stalls with doors and locks in bathrooms. That’s why we wince in horror at the thought of people reading our diaries or, worse, our minds. To feel emotionally secure, there must be a real or imagined space for us to retreat in which we’re free from prying eyes and ears and can just be our authentic ourselves. Privacy is a healthy, protective practice when engaged...
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How to Sense Enoughness

A question that crops up frequently in therapy—because it’s so prevalent in life—is when something is enough. Clients usually reference the term around food, but we could apply it to any aspect of life. Although sufficiency and satisfaction are key to balanced living, many dysregulated eaters (many of us, period) have no idea how to determine what’s enough. They have what I jokingly call an “enough disorder.” To learn more about it, read chapter eight in my book, Starting Monday. Enough is a felt sense–a physical or emotional sensation that draws attention to itself, a mind/body reaction to internal or external stimuli. An example of the former is how while noodling over what birthday gift to buy someone, say, your brother Joe, you say to yourself, “Well, that’s enough thinking about that.” This thought comes from a feeling of not wanting to continue putting attention on what to buy Joe. You...
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Book Review – The Elephant in the Room

Reviewed by Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed. and originally published at New York Journal of Books: https://www.nyjournalofbooks.com/book-review/elephant-room. The Elephant in the Room: One Fat Man's Quest to Get Smaller in a Growing America “The inspiring story of Tomlinson transforming his relationship with food may break your heart before it eventually lifts it.” The Elephant in the Room should be compulsory reading for people of every size. If you share Tomlinson’s love-hate relationship with food, you just may learn a thing or two that will set you on a path to more normal eating. If you’ve not battled with food or weight, he’ll paint you such a graphic picture that you’ll never look askance at a fat person again. And if you don’t feel compassion for his struggles, check for a missing piece of your heart. When it comes to being fat, Tomlinson tells it like it is: the stigma and shame,...
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Use Regret to Improve Your Life

Ah, regrets. We all have ‘em. No matter how wonderful our lives appear to be or actually are, we can’t help but recall things we did or wish we hadn’t done and wonder about how our lives would have turned out if we’d acted differently. Many dysregulated eaters are beset by regrets which makes it hard for them to enjoy the present or plan well for the future. And, sometimes, the stress of regretting drives them to comfort eating. As wise and witty psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb says in Maybe You Should Talk to Someone (p. 166): “. . . regret can go one of two ways: it can either shackle you to the past or serve as an engine for change.” In truth, it’s neither the magnitude of your actions nor the consequences of them that dictate which attitude you’ll have about regret. Nor is it your current circumstances,...
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That’s So Not Me

As sometimes happens, there’s been a theme cropping in my therapy sessions: “This is not who I am” (said vehemently). This attitude comes from a fixed (versus a growth) mindset ( https://www.karenrkoenig.com/blog/fixed-versus-growth-mindset ) which is the belief that you have an identity and traits you’re stuck with that will never change. This view allows no room for events or insights to impact us that will modify how we think, feel and behave. It’s like never allowing computer updates or uninstalling programs or having a TV that works only on a few channels. We’re all more than our current identity—different at various stages of our lives (childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age, old age). We’re not made to have immutable personas. Naturally, there’s a basic “me” that we recognize as ourselves and a “you” that others recognize as “us,” but it’s the antithesis of growth or healing to say, “That is so...
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Self-objectification is common among people who turn up in my office. It involves internalizing “an observer’s perspective” about ourselves. More specifically, body self-objectification is an unhealthy way of viewing our bodies through the values of others or of society. “Self-objectification is associated with increased risk of poor body image, depression, and eating disorders” and, when studied, “was most consistently and positively associated with neuroticism, perfectionism, and narcissism across multiple studies.” (Carrotte, E., & Anderson, J. R. (2018). “A systematic review of the relationship between trait self-objectification and personality traits.” Personality and Individual Differences, 132, 20-31. DOI:10.1016/j.paid.2018.05.015). Of the three traits listed above, neuroticism and perfectionism are the ones I see in most dysregulated eaters. Neuroticism is seen in a personality tendency toward guilt, shame, anxiety, self-doubt, and self-deprecation. Neurotic clients do a great deal of putting themselves down, feeling insecure about decisions, ruminating about the past, obsessing about the future, worrying...
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Book Review – The Intuitive Eating Workbook for Teens

I wish I’d had The Intuitive Eating Workbook for Teens by Elyse Resch, MS, RDN when I was growing up. My dieting and binge-eating started in adolescence and back then I never gave a thought to these behaviors damaging my mental or physical health. I was ignorant and would have benefitted from knowing about intuitive eating in order to start focusing on appetite cues and valuing my body and stop focusing on weight. The workbook is geared for teens, without talking down to or above them. It covers a wide range of issues beyond what and how to eat. It begins with an explanation of why diets don’t work long-term and the dangerous pattern they set up for young minds and bodies. I love that it links the dynamic of deprivation to rebound eating, of denying ourselves food to rebelling against rules which can generate the desire to overeat. This is...
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But I Hate Taking Medicine, Going to the Doctor, Etc.

I’m flabbergasted when clients adamantly refuse to take medicine, seek medical attention, or get recommended health treatment. This kind of irrationality is what gets people into trouble in the first place. Fortunately, clients come to me to learn how to take better care of themselves, so I am in a position to help them make better decisions. If you’re someone who refuses to go to a doctor, the hospital or take medication, I’d like you to stop and think about whether this is in your long-term best interest. Many clients say, “I hate going to the doctor,” “But I don’t want to go to the hospital,” or “I don’t like dependent on medication.” As if there are actually people out there who enjoy going to the doctor, are happy about going to the hospital, or like the idea of being dependent on medication. Doesn’t your attitude sound a tad silly to...
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Making New Meanings of Full and Satisfied with Food

At dinner celebrating a friend’s birthday, I was full and satisfied by dessert time, while she’d eaten a small dinner just to save room for dessert. She ordered key lime pie which came with a slab of dark chocolate melted on top of it and the waiter brought over a dish of chocolate chip ice cream as well because I’d mentioned that it was her big day. I managed to down a few spoonsful of ice cream, which she insisted I share, then watched her polish off the pie. When she was done, she asked if I wished to take home the remaining ice cream and slab of chocolate and I joyfully took it off her hands. I don’t care for dessert after a meal when I’m usually full. From my diet-binge days, I hate feeling uncomfortably full or too hungry. My habit is to eat seven or eight mini-meals daily,...
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