Everyone has a story, even if they don’t realize they’re living it out. It’s our view of our history—the reasons we are as we are and why we cannot be who we want to be. A story may be that you’re the exceptional one in your family, the overachiever, the one who made it and must remain perfect so that others can enjoy your success. Or that you’re the black sheep, the one left behind when everyone else went on to fame and fortune. Or that you’re the rebel flaunting convention, the idealist tilting at windmills, the drummer marching to her own beat. When eating goes awry, we look to our stories to understand how we entered the dysfunctional food arena in the hopes of finding an exit. Sometimes the process helps us find out way out, but often, instead, we become invested in the telling of the tale as the...

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to start from scratch, without preconceived prejudices about what to think about fat and thin and make up our own minds? Unfortunately, we can’t completely erase our mental chalkboards or delete all our attitudes, but we can do a good deal to think clearly and for ourselves. First off, how ‘bout being conscious that we’re programmed to believe a certain way—that thin is better than fat? If you saw a dog or cat that was no meat and all bones what would your initial reaction be? If you’re honest, it would not be, “Gee, Fido or Whiskers is sure lookin’ good” or “What a fine looking animal!” Rather, you’d be alarmed that the poor scrawny thing might be undernourished and starve to death. And if you saw a slightly plump animal, I doubt you’d recoil in horror; you might even find it endearing and cuddly. So why...

One of the worst feelings a dysregulated eater experiences comes after engaging in a behavior you know is self-destructive but you go ahead and do it anyway. No sooner have you swallowed the last bite of whatever you ate so fast you didn’t taste it, than in rush self-loathing and regrets. No sooner have you closed the bathroom door behind you after a purge, than here come the recriminations and remorse. If only you could turn back the clock and undo your acting out, everything would be all right. But, of course, you can’t, and things are anything but all right. In your mind, you’ve lost control again, ruining your day, your week—your life.Okay, let’s put your behavior into perspective. What you did may disappoint and upset you, but it’s changeable and you’ve hurt no one but yourself. The absolute worst thing you can do following a binge or a purge...

In my counseling and workshops, I’m continually saddened by how much shame people with eating problems heap on themselves. No matter how fabulous, talented, bright, and caring they are, the fact that they don’t manage food well colors their entire view of their personality and achievements. I’m not even sure that people who are addicted to gambling, alcohol, or drugs feel such pervasive, corrosive, debilitating shame. Think about it: do you really need a self-trashing disorder on top of an eating disorder? You’ve gotten into the destructive habit of coming down hard on yourself when you act out with food, but you can change what you think and say to yourself. After all, if shame were going to do the trick and end your food problems, wouldn’t it have don’t it by now?What exactly makes you so ashamed? Right now you’re stuck with eating issues, but you are not stuck with...

Most of us have no idea that we can actually control what we’re afraid of, that is, we can decide which responses are appropriate to a situation and which are not. Many dysregulated eaters suffer from anxiety and negativity, and changing their response to fear is helps enormously to increase their quality of life and relationship with food.Toward that end, I’d like to pass on to you a strategy put forth by my friend Ernie, a retired psychology professor. Here’s what he says to do the next time you’re in a situation in which you feel anxiety. Once you recognize that you feel anxious, “STOP—and do nothing for 10 seconds except look and listen.” Move from feeling to observing.Ernie uses the example of walking into a room and thinking that everyone is staring at you and recommends using 10 seconds to carefully observe what you see and hear. He said, “Probably...

Along with writing books about compulsive, emotional, and restrictive eating, I also teach “Quit Fighting with Food” workshops and provide psychotherapy. Between my individual and group work, I’ve recently been struck by the lack of trust people with eating problems have in themselves. They’re torn apart by wanting to look a certain way (thin!), their natural, normal appetites, and rebellion against childhood eating mandates and current bombardment with information about nutrition and what to eat. No wonder they’re confused. As the saying goes, “What’s a girl—or boy—to do?” Self-trust is a learned behavior, about food or anything else. Healthy parents act in your best interest by initially making beneficial decisions for you, then, age appropriately, guiding you toward them. When they make good choices for you and gently and fairly lead you toward them, you internalize the process (doing what’s good for me feels good). When they force you to do...

New year, new you, right? Wrong. Most of us have the identical assumptions and attitudes about food and eating (and everything else!) on January 1st that we do on December 31st. That’s because, wish as we may, the stroke of a clock does nothing to change what we think, feel, and do. Only we can initiate that transformation and it won’t happen overnight. Truly fresh and innovative thinking about food and eating comes from the realization that there’s no magical makeover awaiting us and that change comes only from hard work and lessons learned from occasional hard knocks. Three cheers for everyone one of you who began this year by not going on another time-wasting, soul-crushing diet. Hats off to you each of you who began treatment this month (in- or outpatient, group or individual) for your eating problems. Hip hip hurray for every person who buried their scale in the...

It’s okay to have stress in your life. In fact, it’s difficult to imagine life with a modicum of stress. The idea is to keep it to a minimum and know how to handle it. Obviously, mindless eating is one way, but not an effective one. I often wonder how many of you don’t recognize the stressors in your life which affect your eating. Here are some.Many of you focus on weight loss so fiercely that you stress yourself out by wanting to look at certain way or weigh a certain amount. What you likely don’t realize is that you are stressing yourself out by pursuing this goal and that this stress may be ruining the quality of your life—even if you do manage to lose weight or keep it off. I understand that you’re trying to feel better by finding a more comfortable weight, but my point is that the...