If you were severely or chronically emotionally wounded in childhood or later life, you may fear “wounding” others if you say no, turn down advice, refuse to be their only support, or simply desire to focus on yourself rather than on them. Many disregulated eaters abuse food (and themselves) rather than hurt another person’s feelings. Hurting someone’s feelings is not a comfortable thing to do, but when appropriate, it is an essential life skill for quality mental health. Even in healthy relationships, it sometimes happens that remarks will be said or actions taken that hurt. We’ve all been on the giving or receiving end of moments like these because we’re human. In unhealthy relationships, however, your heart may get stomped on regularly. In this case, it’s necessary to gently let someone know that they’re hurting you. If they do not get the gentle reminder, be more direct. If they don’t get...

Was it really that long ago that experts insisted that weight maintenance was all about calories in and exercise out? That’s what I grew up believing. Now we know that the issue is incredibly more complex, and that weight programming involves genes, biochemistry, and—according to a 9/21/09 Newsweek.com article by science writer Sharon Begley, “Early Exposure to Common Chemicals May Be Programming Kids to Be Fat”—that even common chemicals in our environment may affect our weight. Begley writes that, “Evidence has been steadily accumulating that certain hormone-mimicking pollutants, ubiquitous in the food chain…act on genes in the developing fetus and newborn to turn more precursor cells into fat cells, which stay with you for life. And they may alter metabolic rate, so that the body hoards calories rather than burning them…” She quotes Retha Newbold of the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences in North Carolina: “The evidence now emerging says...

Growing up in NJ in the 50s, a special event was going to a diner called Holly’s to have a banana split. Although I looked forward to such a treat, I never classified it as “real fun.” I raise this subject because a while ago on the radio, I heard that Pop Tarts are just that—“real fun.” When exactly did food become major excitement in our lives? Ever since I remember, food has been tasty, yummy, scrumptious and occasionally even deliriously delectable, but when did it morph into an event in and of itself, a happening touted as more wondrous than nearly anything else? Sure, going to Holly’s for a banana split brought me pleasure, but it was one among many I enjoyed as a youth—going to an amusement park, the movies, the circus, ice-skating, bike riding, reading, and swimming in the ocean. Food wasn’t a major topic of conversation except...

Do you know what constitutes authentic happiness? After all, we receive a barrage of confusing messages on the subject throughout our lives. One of the loudest is that gratifying our needs will make us happy—eat this food, buy that car, take a special vacation, learn this, purchase that. Much of what passes for happiness these days is what’s called short-term gratification and has little nutritive value emotionally. In order to achieve true happiness, it pays to understand how it differs from gratifying needs. When we seek gratification, we are looking to please ourselves in the moment. In psychology, the word is most often used to describe the needs of infants and children who, naturally in these stages of development, know no better than to demand that their emotional and physical needs be met instantly (if not sooner!). They lack the ability to consider whether meeting their needs (for a bottle or...

Nothing thwarts recovery from food problems more than not believing that it’s okay to succeed—not only that success is acceptable, but that it’s a good thing. It’s shocking how many disregulated eaters grow up with the belief that it’s wrong to succeed, and this belief then becomes a major obstacle to feeling positive about achievement. Whether we’re talking overcoming eating problems or triumphing in other areas of life, what you believe about success is an essential prerequisite to making it happen. Many disregulated eaters have mixed feelings about success because you were raised to think that a trail of accomplishments will lead you to becoming arrogant, boastful, self-righteous, snooty, and unpopular. Nothing could be farther from the truth. We’re talking apples and oranges here. These traits are not a consequence of success, but are characteristics of people independent of achievement or a lack thereof. Let’s take a look at specific unhealthy,...

As an author, I’m sometimes asked to write blurbs or reviews of books on eating, which is a wonderful way for me to keep abreast of what’s out there. For example, YOU ARE NOT ALONE (Vol. 2): THE BOOK OF COMPANIONSHIP FOR WOMEN WITH EATING DISORDERS (with a great music CD) by Andrea Roe. Although the book says it’s for women, it’s really for men, too, so don’t be fooled by the title!   The book’s premise is that recovery is possible and its theme is hope. Anita Johnson (author of EATING IN THE LIGHT OF THE MOON) writes in her introduction how hope is the inspiration for recovery. I would add that hope is not a constant thing, but waxes and wanes. One day we make wise, satisfying, nourishing choices around food and feel optimistic and even mildly confident that we are changing, then the next day, we make poor...

Let me get this straight. Many of you are afraid to try something because you might be disappointed, right? But so many disregulated eaters are already hugely disappointed in themselves, in their behavior, in failing to achieve their goals. So are you saying you’ll be more disappointed if you try something and fail than if you don’t try at all? Aren’t you disappointed now for not persisting until you succeed? Even if you only achieve half (or a third or an eighth) of what you want, won’t you be proud of yourself for trying? Maybe the problem is thinking not incrementally, but in all-or-nothing terms. Yup, pretzel logic about disappointment is alive and well and living in the hearts and minds of disregulated eaters. I hear it all the time: I’m afraid to try because if I fail I’ll be disappointed. First of all, who says you have to be disappointed...

My message board members have once again raised an interesting issue, and I thank them for keeping my head well stocked with bloggable subjects. The topic this time is the difference between dieting and healthy or nutritious eating. How can you distinguish them? How can you make healthy food choices most of the time and not feel as if you’re on a restrictive diet? As one board member points out, we’re all on some sort of diet. The problem is that diet has two meanings: the way we eat and a way to eat to lose weight. Stop and think about that. When you use the word, which definition do you mean? Can’t you follow a way of eating without being on a diet? I believe you can. It’s all in your perspective. You can follow formal or informal food guidelines—eat whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, eat small meals often throughout...

I was reading a novel in which one of the characters (a female psychiatrist) wonders if she should be humiliated or angry about her husband taking up with another woman, and started thinking about these alternative reactions. Her confusion reminded me of the uncertainty some overweight clients feel when people comment on their size. In that split second after a remark, it may be hard not to feel overwhelmed with shame, but I’m here to tell you that you can choose a far more effective response. Just think about the difference between the two states of shame/humiliation and anger. With shame and humiliation, you turn your disgust/upset/rage inward and with anger, you turn it outward. When someone makes an unkind comment about your weight or eating, you may feel upset with yourself for your eating and believe that what you’re doing or how you look is bad or wrong. In all...

I hear clients say, “I can’t bear to think about it” or “I couldn’t bear to do that,” but I don’t always know what the word means. Will they fall down dead, emulsify on the spot, go catatonic? When you think or say those words to yourself, what exactly is it that you fear will happen? The fact is, telling yourself that you can’t bear something makes it more than likely that you won’t be able to. Conversely, reminding yourself that you’re capable of bearing anything that comes your way ensures that you’ll be able to ride it through. When we say we can’t bear something, we seem to believe two things—that something will make us exceedingly uncomfortable and that this feeling of discomfort will cause us to become dysfunctional in part or whole. Sometimes we think we’ll become so anxious that we’ll need sedation or so depressed that we won’t...