Karen's Blogs

Blogs are brief, to-the-point, conversational, and packed with information, strategies, and tips to turn troubled eaters into “normal” eaters and to help you enjoy a happier, healthier life. Sign up by clicking "Subscribe" below and they’ll arrive in your inbox. 

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There’s Much More to Life Than Instant Gratification

I had a really interesting discussion with a client about how to lift her mood other than through instant gratification. An accomplished woman as well as someone who had used drugs in the past and was still using alcohol to boost her spirits and regulate her emotions, we were trying to figure out what would help her remain clean and sober. I threw out some positive states of being and we talked about their nuances and how she could incorporate them into her life. I share them with you, so you can stop chasing amorphous happiness and start enjoying these emotions to improve it your life.  Joy aka delight and jubilation is not meant to be a lasting feeling. It’s a momentary ping that bubbles up in you on special occasions. It’s what you feeling when you’re doing an activity you love or when someone you adore shows up on your...
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Eating by the Light of the TV—Not

I’m not sure when TV watching plus eating became de rigueur, but perhaps this entwinement is based on movie viewing in theatres while snacking on popcorn. It’s not an unhealthy habit per se—except if you’re trying to be mindful about eating and consume less food. The way to learn new habits is by focusing on them with 100% concentration which is the antithesis of what happens when glued to your set.  Most of us watch TV to become absorbed in what we’re seeing and turn off our minds. Whether we’re into programs about the news, travel, or history, movies or our favorite binge-worthy shows, the idea is to escape consciousness and relax. There’s not a thing wrong with doing that. We need to turn off our busy brains and give them a rest and watching TV is a fine way to do that.  But while our thinking mind is resting as...
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Balancing Sameness and Variety

Pandemic aside, how many of you lead a balanced life? Do you have too much sameness without knowing how to spice it up in a healthy way? The need to have enough of each of these polarities is not so different from trying to get the right measure of structure versus freedom. Many people enjoy sameness, while others abhor it. Often if you had an unpredictable childhood—parents marrying, divorcing and remarrying or the family moving from place to place—you crave sameness. You want to keep your old friends, live in the same house or apartment and never move, spend your annual vacations at the same spot, visit tried-and-true restaurants, and avoid what’s new and different. Alternately, if your parents ran a household where change was looked at with horror because it made them anxious, you might have developed an itch for variety. For you, doing the same old thing is boring,...
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Process Not Product

If you’re rushing through life on automatic or holding off enjoying it until you’ve accomplished something, you might be focused on product rather than process. This could be the case if you’re highly goal-oriented or intent on success at any cost to yourself or others. One obvious example is thinking only of the number on the scale rather than putting attention on eating mindfully. You yearn for the finished product and don’t much care how you get it: by dieting, fasting or bariatric surgery. Here are examples of valuing product over process. You meet someone who’s your type and kind of nice and go out a few times. Although you notice things about them that aren’t what you’re looking for in a life partner, you ignore them because you’re already picturing yourself married with a house and two kids. Because you’re not valuing the getting-to-know-you part of the relationship, you miss many...
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The Stress of Estrangement

One of the many stressors that can lead to dysregulated eating is loneliness due to estrangement from family members—when adults disconnect from relatives or families disconnect from them. This kind of problem can decrease a sense of belonging and, too often, lead to emotional eating.  Family estrangement: Why rifts happen and how to cope with them explains the causes of alienation, why it has increased over time, and what to do if it happens to you. The article’s author, Jen Rose Smith, maintains that alienation is far more common than it used to be for several reasons. When abuse is involved, rather than turning the other cheek, more and more abusees are comfortable letting go of toxic relationships, a view reinforced by American culture’s individualistic, rather than family, orientation. Although I’ve known a few people over the years whose parents shunned them for their life choices, it’s more common for me...
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Get Your Magic Wand in Gear

In session, not too long ago, a client sighed and said she just wished I had a magic wand and could wave it over her to heal her eating disorder. How often I’ve heard that same wistful plea over my 30-plus years in the business. But this time, rather than smile and say my usual, “I would but my wand’s in the shop,” I told my client that she had her own magic wand but didn’t use it. You all have one. The problem with magic wands is that one can’t simply acquire one and then shove it in the back of the closet and forget about it. Wands need to be used or what’s the point of having one? Do you buy a bicycle and not ride it, spend a fortune on a jumbo screen TV, then never turn it on? I hope not. You have to actually use the...
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Finding Your Pleasures

Although everyone seems to strive to be happy, not everyone knows what will generate that feeling for them. And until we know what brings us joy and satisfaction, we can’t pursue it—which means remaining unhappy. And round and round we go. What seems a simple question to answer, “What makes me happy?”, is not. Once we get past defining the word, next comes recognizing when we feel it. On the road to happiness, we must also understand the forces that shape it, including family and culture. Let’s say your parents want you to become a lawyer and the law seems like a drag to you while nothing thrills you like ballet dancing. Or you grew up in a country club culture that insists feeling good comes from looking good, but what floats your boat is driving around the country in your ratty camper dressed like a vagabond. In my Twenties and...
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Pay Attention to Your Inner Wisdom to Live Better

Many clients feel as if they walk around with a dark cloud over their heads, are a magnet to unhealthy people, and are doomed to be unhappy. Nonsense. My take is that they don’t listen to their inner wisdom when it would benefit them. Instead, they listen to the voice that overrides it or to friends who have little wisdom of their own to share. Here’s what I mean. When talking about whether or not to leave her husband, I asked a client how much time she wished she’d given him to see if he would change. She said six months and I agreed that this would have been long enough. Now, 12 years and two kids down the road, she faces a much harder decision. She said she kept hoping and wishing he’d change, just as she had with three previous abuse boyfriends, and that she listened to her friends...
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Why You Can’t Use the Past to Predict the Future

Here are stories clients tell me by the truckload. “I never had any luck with dating, so I gave up eight years ago,” “I tried intuitive eating when I was younger and couldn’t do it,” or “I haven’t worked since I lost my last job because it was too stressful for me.” What do all these scenarios have in common? Each one uses the past to predict the future. Why do we do this? Although we’re the only animals we know of who have consciousness about our actions, our brains are still built to use past experience to guide current and future behavior. My cat knows that when she gets too near the pool she loves to drink from, she’s going to get a spritz of water in her face as a deterrent because she’s fallen in twice. This is how cat mind teaches itself what to do and not do....
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How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive

I took a Rapid Anger Resolution workshop presented by the founder of Rapid Resolution Therapy, Dr. Jon Connelly, in February. If you either work with me or read my blogs regularly you’re likely familiar with the recall-reality connection posited by him. The workshop was on stopping resentment reactions, which Connelly calls “anger in retro,” and responding to difficult situations by being “alert, strategic and creative.” When you’re dealing with a controlling boss, critical spouse, or bossy neighbor, how do you react? If you’re like most humans, you feel wronged and mount a defense or attack. Does that work for you? I know it doesn’t for me. As Connelly explains, this is a normal animal response, but we are the only animals able to change it and handle situations more appropriately and effectively.  He makes a few suggestions: Aim to reduce hostility. Unfortunately, we usually wrongly react from what we think is...
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This website is owned and operated by Karen R. Koenig, M.Ed., LCSW. It contains material intended for informational and educational purposes only, and reasonable effort is made to keep its contents updated. Any material contained herein is not to be construed as the practice of clinical social work or of psychotherapy, although adherence to applicable Florida States, Rules, and Code of Ethics is observed. Material on this website is not intended as a substitute for medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment for mental health issues or eating disorder problems, which should be done only through individualized therapeutic consultation. Karen R. Koenig, LCSW disclaims any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of any information contained on this website. This website contains links to other sites. The inclusion of such links does not necessarily constitute endorsement by Karen R. Koenig, LCSW who disclaims any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of any information contained in this website. Further, Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, does not and cannot guarantee the accuracy or current usefulness of the material contained in the linked sites. Users of any website must be aware of the limitation to confidentiality and privacy, and website usage does not carry any guarantee or privacy of any information contained therein.