I’m not talking science fiction here when I tell you there’s another life you could be living—right now, today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life. I’m talking about the one you create by making healthy large and small decisions every minute of every day. 

Mary Louise, in her sixties, is married to a man who’s been abusive since their early days together. She had a traumatic childhood in which she was neglected and abused and chose the same kind of relationship in each of her three marriages. Aside from her choice in men, she’s a wonderful, smart, kind, caring, curious, funny, lovely woman. But every day she rises and takes care of her misery of an ungrateful, mean husband. 

This need not be the case. She could leave him. Money would be tight, but it’s tight now. On her own, she’d be free at last to take care of her own emotional and physical needs and spend her time doing what she wants, would have far less stress, and could—perhaps for the first time in her life—be truly happy. But she’s stuck between being a stoic and a martyr and feels guilty even thinking about divorcing him.

Ricardo, an Iraqi war vet, is in his mid-fifties and struggles with alcoholism. He, too, had a traumatic childhood in which he was shamed for putting his needs first and learned not to trust others. He vacillates between isolating himself and drinking and hanging out with a crowd of mentally unhealthy people who take advantage of him. He wants a different life but is stalling making the changes that will give it to him. 

I’ve encouraged both clients to make small, not dissimilar changes. Ad nauseam, I’ve brought up a women’s support group for Mary Louise and AA to Ricardo. I’ve talked with each of them for years about deserving a better life, taking small steps to live it, how to feel safe with people, and how every day they stay the same is a loss for them. They both want to be happier but find it hard to imagine going through the discomfort of taking steps to find and maintain that happiness. And so the days slip by.

I know change takes time. I’ve made my own transformation toward a better life and have never regretted it. I wouldn’t trade my new life for my old life. My fear is that Ricardo and Mary Louise and my other clients like them will be full of regrets as the years wear on and will be kicking themselves for not doing what they could have done to lead their other, better life. And I wonder how many of you are also stuck in a life you don’t want when the one you want is only a few better choices away. It’s your decisions today that keep you mired in unhappiness or nudge you into a brighter tomorrow. That life, it’s out there waiting for you. What are you waiting for?

Best,

Karen