If you don’t understand why you habitually get yourself into relationships or situations that turn out badly for you, consider the concept of neurotic repetitive patterns, aka the repetition compulsion. These are complicated psychology terms expressing a simple concept: we repeat behavior because that’s all we know from previous experience. 

Here are some examples. Joe grew up in a family where both his parents worked long hours and weren’t able to give him the attention and help he needed, so he often felt neglected and overwhelmed. Now he manages to find jobs where he’s left pretty much struggling on his own feeling he’s going under. Sandra was abused by her father and all the men she finds attractive mistreat her even when they’re sweet as pie at the start. Domingo’s Mom drank heavily and somehow all the partners he’s had also ended up having substance abuse problems even the ones who didn’t when he met them. 

This repetition compulsion concept has changed considerably since its inception. Psychotherapists now “believe these repetitive feeling states and behaviors were originally adaptive and necessary for a child’s psychic survival, but in adulthood they can be self-destructive.” The concept is seen “as an attempt at mastery—the hope that this time the mother or father or grandfather (or their stand-ins) will behave differently.”

So, if you recognize yourself as engaging in relationship after relationship that makes you unhappy, look back at your family of origin. What story keeps popping up and playing out? What ending never happens? Rather than being frustrated, recognize you’re choosing people to re-recreate family of origin dynamics. 

Most people who engage in the repetition compulsion mistakenly blame themselves and believe they’re unlovable, that there’s something defective about them, and they’ll never find happiness. The truth is exactly the opposite: they were always lovable, but made the wrong assumption that they weren’t when people couldn’t love or care for them well. Not blaming yourself and realizing that you made the choices you did unconsciously for good reason back then can be a turning point in current relationships. 

Better results can only come when you choose people who are not like your parents or whoever cared for you in childhood. Your attraction to certain kinds of people—he’s a macho man, she’s aloof, he likes to run the show, she has to be the belle of the ball, she drinks a lot but says she has it under control, he loses his temper a lot but always apologizes profusely—is a good tip off. Grow healthier and you’ll be attracted to healthier people. 

Best,

Karen