My doctor’s nurse mentioned she was getting married and her fiancé insisted on her taking his name though she didn’t really want to. I immediately thought “red flag,” but she seemed to see nothing wrong with his insistence. “It’s sweet that he wants me to take his name,” she said. This, I thought, is exactly how things start to slide down hill.

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax asks a letter writer who missed red flags: “Did you ignore them? Rationalize them as something else, or wish them away?” In fact, knowing why you fail to react to obvious red flags via ignoring, rationalizing and/or wishful thinking is the best way to stop this behavior in order to avoid and get out of hurtful relationships.

Ignoring. My client Foster is married to a bully who calls him names. She did it two times in a couples’ session which I mentioned to him when we next met alone. Because he had no recollection she’d twice called him a “lazy little boy” in a nasty tone, we explored his coping with her name-calling by literally tuning it out to the point that he’s become hard of hearing to her insults—precisely because they are so painful to take in. 

Rationalizing. My client Larraine’s work “friend,” Candy, regularly tries to bring her down a peg. When Larraine was named top salesperson of the month, Candy said, “Well, that’s because you cozy up to the boss.” When Larraine got engaged, Candy told her, “He’s nice, but I’ve always seen you with someone more professional.” Larraine takes whatever Candy dishes out by rationalizing that her friend’s insults are due to low self-esteem from growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family and by believing she should be understanding because she, Larraine, was raised in a loving, supportive one.

Wishful Thinking. My client Star has been in love with her friend, Anne, since high school. They’re both teachers now in neighboring communities. Star is gay and Anne is bi-sexual and floats in and out of Star’s life whenever she feels like it. Aware of Star’s crush on her, she uses it to borrow money and get rides when her old car is on the fritz. She neither pays back loans, nor treats Star with respect and kindness, but my client continues to hope that one day Anne will love her back and all will be well.

If these situations sound remotely familiar, you now have some answers as to why you get into and remain in relationships where you get hurt emotionally. You’re trying to protect yourself from the pain of accepting the truth, stuck in a pattern learned in childhood which was adaptive then but is maladaptive now. The solution is to look for red flags in every relationship. Get help from healthy friends, family and/or a therapist.

Best,

Karen