Another week, another theme that developed in my therapy sessions: why some people feel an intense need to defend and explain themselves to others? If you read my books and blogs, it will come as no surprise that this behavioral pattern begins as an adaptation in childhood and morphs into being maladaptive in adulthood.

In one example, my client Taryn said she wanted to stop lending money she didn’t have to people who frequently hit on her for loans. I suggested we do a role play with me being the person asking and her being herself. I began with a sob story about my broken washing machine and ended with my ask. She immediately began to explain why she couldn’t lend me the money without coming right out and saying no. 

This led to a discussion about Taryn always having felt a need growing up to explain herself in order to be believed or get her needs met. As the oldest child in a large family, she was expected to put her needs aside in order to parent her younger siblings. So, she got into the habit of doing a whole song and dance whenever she wanted or didn’t want to do something. It was only by overexplaining that she stood a chance of getting her physical and emotional needs met.

Micky, an only child, had parents who seemed more interested in each other than in caring for him. Although he considered himself innately shy and reserved by nature, he went out of his way to do whatever was necessary to get his parents’ attention. He became dramatic and also told long-winded stories, giving example after example of why he deserved whatever he was asking for—to visit a friend, go to the doctor, or get a new computer. He never felt he could simply make a request, but that he, like a good lawyer, needed to make his case if he were to sway the jury.

Neither Taryn nor Micky felt their needs were worthwhile because they were rarely validated in childhood. A simple wish without a litany of back-up reasons or a refusal to do something their parents wished them to do was out of the question. They were convinced the only reason they ever got the yes or no they desired was due to their lengthy and detailed defense of their needs.

As adults, this practice continued. Whether asking me for a change in appointment or describing why they didn’t make a payment on time, they felt an overwhelming need to overexplain. They couldn’t imagine someone taking them at their word, validating their feelings, granting their request, or accepting their defense. Does this sound like you? If so, make a firmer, shorter request or response and see what happens.

Best,

Karen