There are many ways to view bodies. Some parents could care less what’s looking back at them from the mirror and dress only for comfort. Other parents insist their children look their best when they, themselves, never do. And other families in which one child—you or a sibling—is deemed the pretty or handsome one and the other kids can never measure up in the looks department. Then there are families so rebelliously anti-appearance they let themselves go just to prove their point and judgment be damned.

I think I’ve mentioned that both my parents were appearance conscious Manhattanites, instilling in me a serious case of body consciousness, especially with weight. How did your family feel about weight and size? Were your relatives constantly struggling to lose weight or not regain it? Were weight-loss diets a topic of frequent discussion, so you came to believe you had to diet and be thin? Did family members ooh and ah over skinny folks and/or make fun of fatter ones?

Think back to the age when you first heard comments about your or others’ weight and size. According to How Your Family Shapes Your Body Image, “research suggests that in reality, [our] perception of bodies and their social acceptance” is shaped in our early years by comments that may seem off-hand at the time but cumulatively give us a pointed message about how we should look and feel about our bodies. 

If you were shamed or teased by family members, especially if your parents refused to stop the abuse and said things like, “Oh, they’re only kidding,” you probably internalized a negative message about your body that was destructive to your self-esteem. If they half-jokingly called you “chubs” or “scarecrow,” how did that make you feel? Some higher weight clients describe parents who never openly made negative comments about their size but, as one said, “I could always tell my mom was disappointed I wasn’t thin like my sister. She didn’t need to say a word. I just knew.”

More to the point, if you internalized a unacceptable view of your body that was instilled at an early age, have you been able to shake it off and choose one that is healthier for you now? It’s crucial for you to understand that culture—familial and societal—plays a crucial role in how you view yourself. If you grew up thinking that thin is desirable and fat is repugnant, that’s learning not truth, and just because society reinforces that message doesn’t make it any less false. Viewing your body in a negative light is not how you have to view it. If you haven’t done any work on family of origin and body image, it’s not too late to start now.

Best,

Karen