You may think “welcome to the unknown” is a strange title for an eating disorders blog. Actually, it’s perfect, because many people turn to food when they’re anxious about the future. After all, we all want control over our lives because it’s hard-wired into human DNA to try and protect ourselves from physical and emotional harm. If you met someone who didn’t give a fig about what happened to themselves or their loved ones, you’d think them strange.

My client Georgio is overwhelmed because his mother broke her leg and he’s her primary caretaker. During one therapy session, he insisted, “She can’t fall down again. She can’t. She could die.” And there’s my client Morgan who’s in a panic about keeping her grades up in veterinary school in order to hold onto her scholarship. She tells me session after session, nearly weeping, “I absolutely cannot lose this scholarship.” 

I understand Georgio’s fears about losing his mother and how another fall could upend his life and why Morgan clings to her vision that she must be a vet and make herself and her family proud. Both have clamped onto a singular version of their lives which is something we all do because we believe with great certainty we will not be okay without things turning out a particular way.

I always feel mean disabusing clients of this deep-seated human notion. I try to be gentle but it always comes out harsh to the other person’s ears: “You know, Georgio, your mother might fall again” and “Morgan, it’s true you could lose your scholarship.” I add that I know it’s frightening to contemplate these possibilities and ask, “What then? What would you do? How would you make yourself okay?” 

And I explain—once again—that it’s our attachment to outcomes that generates our distress. Georgio’s life would change radically if his mother lost her ability to walk and care for herself or if she dies. Morgan’s life, too, would take some adjusting to and rethinking if she loses her scholarship. Think of all the things you believe must happen or be as they are for you to be happy. There’s no end to them—and never will be.

Life is brimming with unknowns and if we start with this view and accept it, we do a lot better than if we believe we can control what’s not in our control. It’s crucial to have cognitive flexibility so you can shift gears when things don’t go your way. And it’s also important to not keep worrying they won’t, but to act as if they will. It’s complicated! If you can welcome and embrace the unknown, you’ll feel and do much better in life. Give it a try and see what happens.

Best,

Karen