If you’re a large or heavy person and are wishing for romance, let me tell you about a friend of mine whom I’ll call “Clara.” As you read this blog, you’ll see what Clara has to teach you about weight and dates.

Clara, an amazing woman in her 50s with a professional background and kids all grown up, was diagnosed a decade ago with a leg muscle disease and walks with the aid of crutches, using a small scooter for distances. To that she recently added a guide dog, and she talks openly about a time when she’ll be wheelchair bound. She works-part time which includes occasional travel and is a go-getter--the first to organize outings like kayaking, trike rides, and zip-lining. Divorced after a long marriage, she’s gone through many ups and downs before, during and after her split. She knows she may not be every man’s cup of tea, but recently started online dating with an exciting profile. When men responded to it, she was up front about her “disability” and still has received responses from some pretty fine fellows, some of whom she’s been dating.

What can you learn from Clara? Clearly, she doesn’t see herself as a victim and is fully present to reality. She neither denies what she calls her disability, nor does she let it limit her unnecessarily, instead focusing on what she can do, not on what she can’t do. The question for those of you who are ashamed of your weight and insist that no one would want to date you because of it is this: What if you thought like Clara? She realizes there are men who won’t date someone who uses crutches and will likely become wheelchair bound. Really, she gets that. Nevertheless, her photo and self-description paint her in the most active, attractive, normal light possible, accentuating the positives and de-emphasizing her limitations.

Let me be clear. I am not calling excess weight a disability. I’m only saying that many of you act as if it is. I know that some of you are anxious about the idea of searching for romance. Such a move requires acknowledging your size as reality, not living in the fantasy of a thinner tomorrow. It also requires you to stop using weight as an excuse for being lonely and unhappy as many of you do. When you do that, you’re exhibiting your own fat phobia by thinking no one will want to meet or date you. Some of you may be nervous about online dating. Okay, so search the old-fashioned, non-tech way. What if you could get beyond your negative thinking and find romance? What if, indeed. If Clara can do it, you can too. All it takes is a mindset that says I’m worth it and because I believe it 100%, other people will too.