In spite of chuckling my way through I Like Me, the documentary about the life of the late Canadian comedian John Candy, I felt sad when it was over. Another tale of untreated trauma playing itself out in the worst way. Another life, like that of so many people who can’t detach enough from the past to change their future. Mostly the film got me thinking about how many clients are unable to envision a better life. And since they can’t imagine it, they’re unlikely to make it happen. 

I may be wandering a bit from my theme here, but the fact is that Candy’s father died of heart disease when he was 35 and John was 5 years old. And Candy died when he was 43 from a coronary, leaving behind a 9 and a 14-year-old. From the film, it seemed John simply assumed he’d follow his father to an early grave, which is exactly what happened due to Candy’s excessive smoking, drinking, and eating, in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Do we know for sure that John would have avoided an early death if he’d taken better care of himself? Of course not. It’s a safe bet though because “An estimated 80% of cardiovascular disease, including heart disease and stroke, is preventable.” 

The problem isn’t only how negative expectations mess with our heads, but how what we believe will happen determines our behavior—and our future. “What the hell,” we say. “No one in my family has lived over 60. Why should I?” I’ve heard clients make this kind of self-defeating remark. As if it wasn’t okay to try to outlive previous or current generations in fear of being disappointed if it doesn’t happen. As if restraining oneself from overdoing and dying young would be a crime against nature. What people fail to realize is what would happen if their thinking were wrong and they had a good shot at making it to 60, 70 or beyond just by changing their lifestyle?

Another aspect of expectations is how parents shape our beliefs about ourselves and our potential. If you were frequently told you were a loser who’d never amount to anything, how would you ever come to believe in a brighter future? Or if you were told you’ll always be “fat” because you eat garbage and don’t exercise? These expectations by people who are supposed to know and love us stick like glue, persuading us that Mom and Dad are always right or, odd as it sounds, not wanting them to be wrong.

Never tell yourself you can’t do something or become who or how you want to be. Never take someone else’s assessment of you to heart without serious self-examination. Set your own expectations. A little disappointment is better than a whole lot of regret.

Best,

Karen