Clients sometimes say things that cast them in a mentally unhealthy light and are surprised when I flag them as such. Here are phrases it’s best to avoid:

• Saying I’m sorry as if something’s your fault when it isn’t. Habitual apology is a sign someone feels they are or have done something wrong and it’s rooted in adaptation from childhood when family members, especially parents, “are never wrong” and must point the finger at others to avoid feeling shame. 

However, saying “I’m sorry” automatically when something isn’t your fault or to prevent people who’re in the wrong from feeling badly, makes you look weak and like a pushover. Healthy people apologize easily when it’s appropriate and expect others to do the same. They don’t want or presume that others will take the blame for them.

• Saying I’m not perfect is a tip off to people who know no one’s perfect, giving them the message that you think you ought to be and are apologizing for being imperfect. Mentally healthy folks know there’s no such thing as a perfect human and recognize and embrace their flaws even as they try to overcome them. They’re not looking for perfect people because they know they don’t exist. 

If you use this phrase often it’s likely you were raised under threat of punishment or shaming if you failed to do things right all the time. You tried to be perfect to avoid negative consequences from parents who demanded perfection from you and maybe themselves. As an adult, you can now value the imperfection we’re all stuck with.

• Saying I know I’m probably the only one” displays ignorance about human nature. Emotionally healthy people know we’re not all exactly the same but share similar experiences and emotions. They assume they’re not unique in a negative way. They don’t feel, as you perhaps do, like an outlier or outsider. They expect others to understand them because of universal experiences that all or most humans have.

When you assume or imply others can’t possibly understand your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, or experience, you risk seeming ignorant or naïve about our species and sounding as if you haven’t had much close contact with others. Saying you’re different makes you seem unaware because others know how our similarities far outweigh our differences. Instead, assume others have had similar experiences to you or will understand even if they haven’t because they know others who have.

Best,

Karen