I once had a client who’d informally poll everyone she knew—family, co-workers, friends—whenever she had to make a decision. I don’t mean just major decisions about changing jobs or boyfriends, I mean relatively minor ones like what color to paint her walls or which TV show to watch on a Saturday night. I’m by no means making fun of her. I felt sorry for her because she literally didn’t have a mind of her own.

I wonder how many of you are like that, especially in recent years with the advent of social media. Women (I can’t speak for men) mostly used to seek out magazines telling us what to wear/say/do/think/feel/eat/weigh. Now messages blast us from everywhere. And, instead of making us more secure, which is what I think we seek to feel, they only make us feel shakier about our ability to make effective decisions for ourselves. 

If you’re someone who doesn’t trust themselves, please ask yourself why that is. Is it because you weren’t allowed to make many or any decisions on your own due to parents or relatives who were constantly hovering over you to make sure you did the “right” thing (well, their right thing)? Or were you left too much on your own to figure out life with a young brain that was biologically not up to the challenge? Or, perhaps, you had a combination of both parental approaches: sometimes your parents were on your case telling you what to do and other times they were nowhere to be seen, too busy or indifferent to your need for advice, guidance or simply talking things out?

It's important in trusting yourself that you don’t always try to make decision alone or never check out what others (healthy others, that is) have to say. It matters who you ask as well as how often you ask them. Sometimes it’s crucial to get an outside opinion and sometimes you need to go it alone and wait and see what happens when you choose this over that. That’s how you grow and become balanced in the self-trust department. 

As to social media, YouTube, TikTok, and the like, you won’t build healthy self-trust by looking to them for answers. Okay, maybe scroll around to check out ideas once in a while, but these are not trustworthy sources. Rather than see what a relationship influencer has to say, listen to a podcast by experts on what makes or breaks them. Rather than go by what a food guru tells you to eat, make an appointment with a registered dietician. Check out bona fide journalists with deep and wide experience rather than social media pundits. To help you think for yourself, seek out evidence based in science not numbers of fans or likes. If you want to grow wise, at some point in life, you’ll need to know which others to trust and when to trust yourself.