Whether you want to change your child’s or partner’s behavior, try teaching instead of preaching. You might think that telling people what to do—make your bed, do your homework, bring in the trash—is making sure loved ones do what they “should” be doing. Sure, giving instructions can be helpful when you’re training someone on how to do an activity (like roller skating or writing a check), but it doesn’t generally engage folks unless they’re actively seeking your input. Any other time, it just sounds kind of preachy.

Take my client Jill who’s trying to teach her daughter, Ina, to stand up for herself. Whenever Jill preaches, Ina alternates between tuning her out and snapping at her. Poor Jill is only doing what her mother did to her: preach. So, I suggested we do a role play to show her another way of approaching Ina. Like Jill, I purposely modeled a one-down position, a therapeutic technique, useful in any relationship, to avoid challenging someone and put them at ease. With one down, you lead with curiosity and questions, focusing non-judgmentally on why someone did what they did so they can figure out what went wrong (even if you already know the answer). And you validate their feelings or ask them how they feel, (key concept here) rather than tell them how you feel.

When you’re teaching, your goal, unless it’s a safety issue like “Get out of the way or you’ll get run over,” is to help someone understand why they’re acting a certain way and how to do it better. In this instance, Jill could ask Ina what she got out of always being the helper in relationships rather than get her own needs met and often feeling stuck in the middle of two people who were at odds. 

Jill could also wonder with Ina if she, Jill, had unconsciously modeled this behavior with her own (narcissistic) mother, always putting herself out for her and burying her needs. Jill could ask if Ina thought she and her husband often put their daughter in the position of refereeing their frequent disagreements. Or why Ina inserted herself in the middle of spats between Ina and her brother. The conversation could move onto how it seems to be a modus operandi in the family and how to remedy the dysfunction. 

Only after the issue is explored, would it be time for Jill to ask Ina how she might do things differently with her friends and even her parents, to get out from under care-taking other people and feeling responsible for their feelings. In therapy, this would be called a teaching moment, when a client has their own “ah ha.” It’s all about, as one of my clinical supervisors used to say, “getting your wind out of their sails.” We teach by modeling and asking questions. Leave the preaching to the preachers.

Best,

Karen