One of the essential life skills for us all is self-validation. It means believing in the accuracy and value of what you feel and think. Does it mean you can never be wrong in your emptions or thoughts? Of course not. It means that no one can ever presume to know better than you what you’re feeling or thinking. Not your parents, friends, partners, boss, colleagues or anyone. These assessments are yours and yours alone.

It sounds so simple to self-validate, but that isn’t always the case. For instance, a client was having lunch with her grown children when she mentioned how hard she’d worked as a single parent to always seem upbeat and energetic when she was “worn out to the bone most of the time.” Her children jumped on her, saying things like she couldn’t have been so worn out because she smiled so much and did everything she was supposed to do as a parent. My client says she then started to wonder if she misremembered how she felt bringing up her children. “Maybe I’m imagining feeling so exhausted and alone after their father left. Maybe I was happier than I thought.”

No, no and no again. When we talked about it, she realized she was just as spent as she remembered. “I want the kids to know I was dog tired so they could understand what it took out of me, but they seem to think my being upbeat was automatic, effortless. That was really insulting. First, telling me how I felt, then acting like what I did was expected.” We discussed how her children needed to think life was easy for her back then because if they believed it was hard, they might have felt guilty or worried. So, they chose their fairy tale version of my client’s life rather than face the ugly truth.

My job is to explain to clients that others have their reasons for not wanting to know how they, clients, feel or think. When you’re working over-time and your boss says, “I know you don’t mind because you’re such a dedicated employee” or your spouse says, “You should be happy, not sad, the kids are finally living their own lives,” they’re not thinking about your thoughts or feelings, but are instead seeking ways to make themselves emotionally comfortable. A complaining employee and a spouse suffering from empty nest syndrome might be more difficult to accept and deal with.

Remind yourself that someone not validating you means nothing, zero, zilch. It’s their view and you know your own truth. No one else can tell you what you feel or think. Ignore or counter invalidations. If you wonder why your self-validation ability is shaky, look backwards to your upbringing. That’s where you’ll find explanations and answers. Now go out and find other people who validate you and learn to validate yourself.

Best,

Karen