People get confused by what it means to understand versus accept someone’s behavior. Sometimes understanding does move us toward acceptance and other times it makes no difference. That is, understanding doesn’t necessarily mean acceptance.

For example, an elderly parent or grandparent who has some form of dementia may repeatedly ask you questions, forget what you asked them, or blurt out things inappropriately. Stepping back you can understand what’s happening with them, including that they mean no harm, and then decide if their behavior is acceptable. It’s likely that you would find it tolerable and not take what they say or do personally.   

Then there are cases when you could care less why someone is doing something because whatever the reason is, you’re unwilling to accept their bad behavior. Say a friend wants to drive you somewhere when it’s obvious to the world they’ve had too much to drink. Hopefully, you won’t care whether they’re having a rare evening binge drinking, had a bad reaction to alcohol, or carry a diagnosis of Alcohol Use Disorder. Whichever the case, you know there’s no way you’re getting into their car.

Alternately, let’s say you have dinner plans with your sister who just began a new job, is in the process of moving into a new house and suffers from ADHD. When she shows up late, you might feel annoyed because she’s tended towards tardiness her whole life. Here’s where a little understanding can help you be more accepting. Considering her job pressure and the move, you might cut her some slack about showing up late. You might not be so forgiving every time this happens, but recognizing the unusual load she’s currently under might cause you to make an exception.

How about when someone has treated you or someone else horribly and shows no interest in apologizing, or even acknowledging their bad behavior. Imagine a situation where your cousin was sexually abused by his father when he was a child and he’s now doing the same thing to his own son. Because you understand that your cousin suffered tremendous trauma as a child, does that make it okay for him to molest his own child? Of course not. This is a case where you might have compassion for someone, but 100% not tolerate the behavior and call him (and child services) on it.

Clients sometimes go soft and cave when someone behaves badly to them because  the person’s had a hard life or is going through a hard time. But having excuses doesn’t always mean being excused. Think through understanding and acceptance situation by situation and you’re more likely to come up with the best decision for you. 

Best,

Karen