A neighbor was describing some trouble her son, Jack, was having with his son, Foster, and told me, “Jack needs to tell Foster he needs to pull up his grades or lose phone privileges.” What’s wrong with my neighbor’s wording? If you said she’d be better off not telling Jack what he “needs” or what Foster “needs” to do, you’d be right. 

How do you feel when people tell you what you “need to” or “should” do? Being told what I “need” to do makes me feel like a child, as if someone’s trying to exert power or authority over me and boss me around. Being told “you should” makes me feel like someone’s judging me or thinks they know what’s best for me better than I do. 

“Need” and “should” are shaming words to avoid when talking to ourselves or others. As I’ve blogged before, should, need to, have to, ought to, and must are meant to get us to do something. Their intent may be benevolent, but they feel crummy because usually, instead of producing inspiration to act, they often induce shame and a sense of rebelliousness, as in, “You can’t tell me what to do. I’ll do what I want.” 

When you tell someone what they “need” to do, you often do it because you feel  helpless in getting them to do something you want them to do whether they wish to or not. But they often unconsciously stop listening after hearing the word “need” which may produce a reaction of feistiness, humiliation, rebelliousness, helplessness, unfairness, defiance, or shame. Sometimes we feel fear (specific threat) or anxiety (vague threat) of punishment if we don’t do what we’re ordered to do, as in “and if you don’t do it, something bad will happen to you. Is that how you want to come across,  as a bully?

Granted, the word is not always issued as a demand or a command. When our mechanic says, “You need to have your oil changed,” they’re not trying to push you around, or when you suddenly remember your dry cleaning is ready, you’re not trying to bully yourself when you say, “Yikes, I need to get to the cleaner before it closes.” In this case, the word is a gentle reminder of something to get done. 

An occasional “I need,” slips out of me, but I try hard to substitute “want” whenever I can to stay in practice and remind myself that even a task left undone is simply something I want to check off my list. I try to remember the only thing we need to do is die and all else is optional with consequences. And I try never to tell people what they “need” to do. Instead, depending on the situation, I say “you might benefit from, how about if you did, you could try, I’d love if you, I’d like if you, I’d prefer if you.” Remember, the minute you tell someone they “need” to change, you’re practically assuring they won’t. 

Best,

Karen