I begged my parents to send me to therapy at age 14 in 1961. I’ve gone back since then for individual, family and couple’s work and it’s always been a great help. Which is why it’s been hard to wrap my mind around people not wanting to go to therapy. 

As a seasoned therapist, I now get it and feel sad the experience doesn’t call to people as it did to me and that many refuse to go. Maybe they went once and nothing changed. Or they felt worse after sessions and were too impatient to hang in long enough to turn around their lives. Or they had a negative experience with an unskilled therapist or one who actually harmed them emotionally. Or maybe they just gave up on themselves.

Then there’s the fact that even in this day and age, our culture sends out contradictory messages about psychological help. Some children are raised to believe you don’t talk to people about your personal business. That Dad was abusive or Mom was an alcoholic is “private” (aka a secret) and should be kept so. Or that only weak folks need therapy because strong people take care of themselves. Lies, lies, and more lies.

But I think the real reason people avoid therapy is due to fear of 1) re-experiencing emotional pain they’ve worked their butts off to forget and 2) staying stuck in the memories of suffering. I’ve heard people say, “It was bad enough being pushed around and beaten by my older brother. Why on earth would I want to talk about that?” or “I want to move on, not go backwards in time.” 

The truth is we can’t “move on” until we stop running from the pain and go toward it or at least acknowledge its impact on our lives today. Unprocessed trauma will always be a major barrier to mental health and living your best life. It rules your life whether you remember it or it ends up unconsciously manipulating you. It’s the bedrock of your beliefs, the trigger for your deepest hurt that morphs into rage, anxiety, or depression—and addictions. The worst part of your life keeps you stuck in time, whether it was ongoing mistreatment in childhood or a one-night stand that went from a date to a rape.

Some people think psychotherapists want you to suffer, while our goal is to get you to remember and deal with pain, not so you’ll forget it, but so you can recall traumatic experience without the painful feelings that erupt with them or cause you to shut them down when they arise. Therapists and others see you as fearful when you insist you don’t have the time or money (though it may be true) for therapy, will go another time, or don’t need it when it’s obvious to everyone but you that you do. And it breaks our hearts that often the people who refuse to go to therapy are the ones who need it the most. 

Best,

Karen