Not a week goes by without my hearing someone excuse pushy, critical, inappropriate or boundary-crossing behavior by saying the person “means well.” Are you one of those folks who defends a person hurting you or others because you believe they do it with the best of intentions? If so, please allow me to share another perspective. 

My client, Dee’s, teenage daughter is regularly chastised by her weight-obsessed grandmother for being “fat.” Dee used to defend her mother by saying she means well—but now understands that whether she does or doesn’t is beside the point. Grandma’s remarks hurt her daughter which is unacceptable. Moreover, her (narcissistic) mother is crossing a boundary between daughter and granddaughter. She doesn’t care if she upsets either of them, as she’s all about having a grandchild who reflects well on her. 

My client, Gordie, worries about his wife enabling their under-employed adult son. She does everything for him: cooks, cleans, buys him clothes, and “lends” him money. Gordie’s feels badly for her because he says, “she’s only trying to be helpful.” It’s true she’s not out to hurt her son, but it’s equally true her actions stem from fear of being a “bad” mom, something “bad” happening to her son, and facing longstanding marital issues when her nest is empty. Through therapy, Gordie has come to see that it’s not his wife’s intentions that are at issue, but that she’s thwarting their son’s maturation in order to avoid facing her fears and he’s being complicit in not challenging her.

Intentions certainly do count in a situation, but so do results of actions or inactions—and this is something many people ignore. Yes, intentions matter, but so does outcome damage. Of course, there are some circumstances when it pays to be understanding, compassionate and even forgiving if someone hurts you or others inadvertently. When my grandmother had dementia, she said some pretty awful things to her caretaker who, as a professional, understood that her charge often meant well (Nana once told this woman to change her hair style because it look terrible on her.) So, to be kind, we often cut some slack to the words and actions of children and folks with cognitive problems.

If you make excuses for others “because they mean well,” is the habit because people who raised you insisted they wanted the best for you and you desperately wanted to believe them? Or because if you confronted them, they’d punish or retaliate against you, and it was easier (and safer) to simply trust they had good intentions? Or because it would have been horrifying as a child to think your family didn’t mean well and didn’t care if they hurt you? Just food for thought about the role of intentions in interactions. 

Best,

Karen