Aretha Franklin was right on when she sang these words in her hit song of the same name: “R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me.” It describes something we all yearn for but aren’t always sure how to make happen. Can you respect yourself if others don’t? And can you fail to respect yourself even when others do?

I’ve been thinking about “respect” after discussing the subject in a few sessions with my middle-aged client, Bonnie. In one session, she reported that her mother asked her, “You don’t respect me, do you?” In another, Bonnie asked me, “Do you respect me?” Clearly there’s a link between the two queries.

I suggested that Bonnie and her mother both were barking up the wrong tree because by asking people if they respect us, we’re making what they think of us of more value than what we think of ourselves. Both women’s questions hinted at craving and questing rafter respect from others, which is the exact way not to acquire self-respect. 

We can only assess respect others have for us and how much we respect ourselves by how we treat ourselves and how others treat us. That is, I might say, “I respect myself,” but if I’m out drinking every night and missing work the next day or letting people walk all over me, I’m lying to myself. Ditto if someone says they respect you, then mistreats you. Words are cheap, while actions are the only true indicator of respect.

Both Bonnie’s mother asking if her daughter respected her and Bonnie asking if I did are dead give aways that something is amiss with their self-worth. For one thing, we shouldn’t be running around seeking respect but should insist on receiving it. For another, the do-you-respect-me question is usually asked by folks who already sense they’re not respected and don’t treat themselves with respect. 

There are times when we want to talk with people about disrespecting us by sharing examples of their behavior and how we feel in response. We must expect and insist on respect—not solicit it—as our human right. We do this by not allowing others to mistreat us. If you let people disrespect you, how can you respect yourself? 

As an adult, if you don’t exude self-respect, there are people who’ll sense your deficit and take advantage of it. If you have little self-respect and let people treat you like garbage, you can’t blame them. You’re not a victim by the time you reach adulthood. By building and practicing effective life skills and becoming the best version of yourself you can be, you’ll respect yourself and others will respect you too. Subject closed. 

Best,

Karen