When you listen to someone or watch a show or movie that upsets you, do you relate or react? I hadn’t thought much about the striking difference between the two until a client shared that she—a recovering trauma victim— had watched a movie about a woman being abused and said, “You know, I could relate to what she was going through and all the bad things that happened to her, but I didn’t go crazy inside. I mean, I didn’t fall down the rabbit hole and start reliving what I went through.” Wow. I was impressed.

I told her she was getting healthier by relating to the person in the show and not experiencing a triggering reaction. Some people shut down when what they see or hear feels too much like what happened to them. For example, one of my clients was viewed as aloof and uncaring in her women’s support group because she wouldn’t allow herself to relate to a lot of the upsetting things that were discussed. “I just couldn’t go there,” is how she described it. “How do I hear what they’re saying and not get thrown back to all the same shit I went through?” How indeed?

She wanted to be a caring group member who could easily identify with what was said without reliving her own memories. For that to happen, all she knew to do was to not feel anything toward the women who described abuse similar to what she’d endured, but that didn’t seem any more acceptable than re-experiencing terror and shame herself. Fortunately, as with most all-or-nothing situations, there’s a third way.

Which brings me back to the subject of recall versus reality. When your brain is firmly in reality, you can decide what you want to do when you feel triggered. You can think clearly and strategically by asking yourself what’s called for and how you would like to respond. For example, when someone shares a story, say, of rape and you’re a rape survivor, you don’t want to shut off your feelings, nor do you want to become hysterical. You want to be empathic and compassionate without getting trapped in your own memories.

You can only get to the place of relating then responding rather than reacting when you’ve processed your own trauma. Too many trauma victims/survivors think or pretend they’re okay, then try to help others who’ve been in their same shoes. The desire to help others is laudable but only works if you’ve done your own healing. My client described above was only able to relate and not react because she’d spent a long time recovering from her trauma. If you don’t take that road, you will generally end up feeling reactive and won’t be able to effectively help others—or yourself. 

Best,

Karen