I was talking with my client Aayra about how she, as a manager, could handle writing a warning to an insubordinate subordinate. I could tell from her body language that Aayra was uncomfortable writing anything highly critical about her employee and she was finally able to identify why. “Having power over someone can hurt them,” she insisted.

I was pleased that she shared this sentiment because it would help her better understand her tendency to dance around correcting her subordinate and others in order to not hurt their feelings. Growing up Aayra had a domineering father and a submissive mother. No one dared challenge Dad because in their family it was his way or the highway. To Aayra, power meant bossing people around and being mean. Done on a regular basis, we call this pattern emotional abuse.

Moreover, Aayra’s parents were immigrants to the U.S. from India and both had been raised in traditional families where the father was the provider and protector and everyone else went along with his decisions. Aayra’s mother had some power over some parts of life, but little say over most of it. The family moved here when Aayra was thirteen, so she was very much steeped in strict, male authoritarian ways.

It had never occurred to her that power was anything but negative and hurtful, that it could have a positive side to it, and could be used to help people and improve people and the world. She was afraid of it and feared being like her father. In fact, she went out of her way to be nothing like him, especially in not using her managerial position to hurt others because she didn’t want others to hurt the way she used to as a child.

For sure power can be used to hurt people. We see it all around us and such has been the case throughout the history of human kind. But then think about the actions of Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks, of Gold Meier and Taylor Swift, of Gandi and Martin Luther King, of Franklin D. Roosevelt, and the millions of people who use power every day for good. Some put themselves at risk and some work quietly, tirelessly behind the scenes. They realize that using power is often the only way to make things better.

Let’s say Aayra had been brought up by a mother who was out on the front lines fighting for women’s equality in India or in the U.S. She would have seen a role model whose mission was to put others first and make the world a better place for women and girls. She would think of power as positive and necessary and those using it as champions for change. In fact, she might have become one of those kinds of women herself, comfortable with power and determined to use it judiciously to better the world.

Best,

Karen