Clients often come to therapy in a conundrum about leaving a situation that makes them unhappy because all they can imagine is that this option will cause them equal or more emotional pain than their present choice. They can’t see past these two (or more) dysfunctional options to one that is healthy and functional. Here are some examples. 

At 42, my client Paulina was still living with her mother due to her low-paying job. They fought constantly and Paulina wanted to move out, but the only option she saw was living in a shelter. When I suggested she share an apartment or find a job that paid enough to get her own small place, she said that would never happen because she wasn’t smart enough to go back to school or get a “really good job.” All she could envision was living with Mom or in a shelter, two options that made her miserable. She couldn’t fathom enjoying a better life and doing whatever was needed to build one.

Then there’s 22-year-old Deke who complained every session about his emotionally abusive boyfriend and finally admitted the major reason he stayed in the relationship was his overwhelming terror of being alone. So, rather than face—and overcome this fear—he remained with his partner. No wonder he felt stuck. It never occurred to him there was an third option: he could learn to be comfortable being alone. He never got that far in his thinking because his fear of it immediately shut down the whole idea.

Part of the problem is that Paulina and Deke both came to a full stop cognitively and emotionally when faced with distressing feelings. It didn’t seem possible that they could learn to get beyond their feelings of inadequacy or aloneness. And every time I mentioned moving on, their distress at the thought brought the conversation to an end.

The way out for Deke was to envision another possibility: gradually he could learn to be comfortable on his own. This meant understanding why he didn’t think he could be, then taking baby steps toward doing so. Rather than focus on why he accepted abuse, therapy time was better spent discussing why he saw only two unhappy, unhealthy options rather than a third healthy one.

The goal for Paulina was to see herself as a competent, capable, confident woman by understanding how she erroneously came to believe she wasn’t. If she saw herself as able, she could get a better job or even go back to school. Nothing could stop her. So, our job was to keep envisioning and talking about the possibility of overcoming her fears, moving past distress, and successfully becoming the person she wanted to be. 

Best,

Karen