When I wrote The Rules of “Normal” Eating, a colleague advised against using the word “rules” in the title because it was too diet-like and external sounding, while my view was on using internal guidelines for eating. This complex issue often arises in treating eating problems. Clients who were raised in rules-bound households commonly have difficulty letting go of the do-this-not that mentality. While chafing at the bit to break dieting rules, they’re also terrified they’ll start a free-for-all they won’t be able to stop. 

This was the internal conflict for my client, Claudette. While her mother was a stickler for rules, bordering on the obsessive, her father laid out a litany of them he never bothered to follow, such as telling Claudette she should always be nice to people and not argue, while he was a confrontational, my-way-or-the-highway guy. Consequently, when it came to rules, especially around food, Claudette both cherished and despised them. 

One session we were discussing how she liked following diets because she believed that if she did them right, she’d lose weight and feel better physically. On the other hand, she resented their rigidity. When I suggested she could follow appetite rules according to body cues, she looked stricken. The more I talked about her body having the innate knowledge of what and how much to eat, the more panicky she got.

She admitted she had absolutely no idea how to live without following external rules and didn’t believe she could make decisions on her own. This said, though she was retired from law enforcement where she’d had to make crucial decisions every day on the job. As it turns out, she liked that there were work protocols to follow for most interventions and that she didn’t need to rely on her own decision-making very often.

Letting go of food rules was a whole new ballgame for her, as was not relying on others to tell her what was “right” or “wrong.” The truth is that mentally healthy people do follow a set of (flexible) rules. But they’re internal and maybe they don’t even think of them as “rules.” They’re just “how I do things,” “what I think” or “my values.” Their confidence comes from experimenting and seeing how their hunches and choices pan out.

So, this is where I started with Claudette, asking her to make small eating and other decisions then pay attention to what happened. She was still feeling panicky about trusting herself but understood that she’d do better in the long run employing appetite to guide her eating even if right now she didn’t believe it was possible. If you’re afraid to trust yourself, figure out why, then move slowly into building self-trust in every day living and eating decisions. Go easy on yourself, have patience, and you’ll get there.

Best,

Karen