Why are we shocked when things go wrong? Why the tailspin whenever something goes amiss or causes us agita? We think, “I had a great day and now I have to deal with this” or “Today was bad enough, and now this happens. Why can’t things just go right?” For example, you have a lovely time puttering in the garden, pot-lucking with friends, finishing a riveting book, or visiting favorite family members, and that night or the next day the washing machine breaks down, your boss upbraids you about a project that didn’t go well, you notice more than a few gray hairs, or your child breaks a leg skiing. 

We’re taken aback when things go sideways because our magical thinking and denial shield us from the fact that “bad” things happen no matter how clever, rich, healthy, wise, smart, or kind we are. Truth: life consists of ups and downs, welcome and unwelcome events, the most ecstatic joy imaginable as well as the most unbearable rip-your-guts-out pain. To distract ourselves from this truth, we run to drink, drugs, porn, shopping, or food, etc., seeking highly pleasurable, upbeat experiences and convincing ourselves we can evade feeling uncomfortable. 

What makes matters worse is 1) irrationally hoping that bad things won’t befall us seems hard-wired into us and 2) we’re not taught the truth about the horrors or chronic annoyances life holds because talking about them makes them real. So, we’re left with an internal standoff of contradictory thoughts and feelings: clinging to hope that we and those we love can dodge pain and harm, while fearing we can’t because, well, that’s life.

It’s time to stop asking why “bad” things happen, cut loose from denial, and accept life’s pluses and minuses. No matter how nicely you ask, minor irritations won’t stop crashing your party and spoiling your fun and catastrophes will refuse to line up in single file and only happen when you’re ready for them (which is never). 

So, how can we take it all in stride and stay sane, expect that good times and bad times will come and go, things will break, people will fall ill and die, and plans will sometimes go terribly awry? Here’s how. Since we can’t control much of life, we can abide by a useful set of simple (not so easy) principles. We can 1) refuse to live in denial and, instead, pump up our courage to view reality as it is: anything can happen to anyone any time; 2) seek, grab and hold onto as much healthy pleasure as possible; 3) stop taking every misfortune personally; 4) manage our reactions to life as best we can; and 5) learn how to face life head on by becoming more resourceful and resilient.

Best,

Karen