My client Saul and I had an enlightening chat about what could possibly replace his yearning for perfection in order to feel good about himself. Actually, for Saul perfection is beyond simple desire and more a matter of emotional life-and-death: If I don’t do this perfectly/Since I didn’t do this perfectly, I may as well curl up and die. 

Saul was describing an incident in which he’d been caught and called out on something he did to someone else surreptitiously. He said he wanted to die on the spot and couldn’t apologize enough to make himself feel okay. I could feel the agony pouring out of him even in the telling of the tale. 

What is it about the relentless drive, the niggling obsession, the almost palpable hunger for perfection that makes us want to disappear when we don’t achieve it? I’d say when it comes to perfection shame is the major emotion people seem to be running from. Saul and I discussed the purpose of shame—to alert you to your behavior you don’t think/feel is up to snuff, not who you want to be—and how it’s meant to be a tap on the shoulder which disappears after pointing you in a healthier direction. (For more on shame, visit karenrkoenig.com and type “shame” under Search.)

If you were brought up in a shame-based family, which is how your parents tried to teach you right from wrong, you probably feel shame often and deeply today. Saul was corrected frequently, sometimes humiliated, and taught that nothing but perfection counted; everything else was shameful. That is how perfection begets shame.

I explained to Saul how he won’t be doing the shameful thing he did again because shame had done its work and he could now let it go, along with the ridiculous notion that if he weren’t perfect he was bad. He said he’d been reminding himself he was okay, that people make mistakes, and said he was proud he wasn’t beating himself up. You should have seen his face glow with pride, which led to talking about how pride at letting go of shame and perfection is the antidote for yearning for perfect.

Both pride and perfection lead to feeling good about yourself. Pride is the healthy positive experience that supersedes the unhealthy one of trying to be perfect, which is always transitory—it lasts until the next challenge comes along. Self-pride in spite of imperfection replaces shame as a motivator and keeps you becoming who you wish to be. Be proud when you don’t smoke/drink too much/overeat rather than ashamed when you smoke/drink too much/overeat. Instead of valuing perfection in order to avoid shame, go for the delicious feeling of pride which is yours always and forever. 

Best,

Karen