Many people are so focused on outcomes—winning, succeeding, achieving perfection or controlling life—they forget the importance of standing up for themselves and others. Is something only worthwhile when it turns out how you want or is there value in what you do even if you don’t win or things don’t turn out as you’d hoped? 

For example, my client Bessa had intestinal problems for decades and had seen local doctors who’d done very little for her. I finally convinced her to go to a well known medical center a few hours away. She was proud of making the appointment and had asked her mother to drive with her and stay overnight. But, between difficulties with insurance and medical test scheduling she ended up cancelling her appointment.

This triggered her disappointment, anger, and feeling like a victim (which she was in childhood). Once again she felt neglected, like a loser, and that it’s not worth trying to take care of herself because she always failed. I validated her feelings then helped her see it’s not always the outcome that’s important, but the new skills we learn along the way. What I saw was someone putting herself out there to: get treatment because she was worth it, invite along her mother who’d mistreated Bessa in childhood but who was trying to support her now. These were pretty amazing changes from my vantage point. 

I understood Bessa felt helpless, so I brought up things she could do: make sure her mother knew how much she valued her willingness to accompany her on her medical journey, call or write a letter/email to her insurance company and to the medical facility to tell them how their delays in getting back to her about costs made it difficult to decide about treatment, and explain that if she’d known up front how much treatment would cost out of pocket, she never would have made the appointment. 

We then talked about where she wanted to put her attention and, only then, did she realize how each step she took in this process was because she was practicing new life skills. The old Bessa wouldn’t even have made the appointment because she didn’t believe she was worth it. Or have asked her mother to join and stay overnight with her because she feared her saying no. Or have felt deserving enough about herself to spend money on medical treatment. 

Be careful where you choose to put your focus and energy when things don’t work out. I’d be surprised if you didn’t use some life skills you didn’t know you had that you could feel proud of. Skills aren’t always obvious. They shine when you succeed, but speaking up and speaking out will improve your mental health whether things work out or not.

Best,

Karen