We have varying reasons for interacting with people, that is, for opening our mouths and either asking a question or making a statement. But I’d wager that far more often than we’d like to admit, we speak off the cuff rather than knowing exactly why we’re saying what we’re saying. Such blatant ignorance of intention not only may harm others and our relationships with them (think children), but it’s a bad habit which does us no good.

Some folks are often irrational and most of us are that way sometimes. Blame it on the human brain. When you’re interacting with others, you want to keep an eye not only on what’s going on within you, but what’s happening within them. Are you or they trying to win argument, be right, make the other person wrong, blame, shame, or cause pain, all of which are unhelpful tactics. These are overreactions, dysregulated emotions ruling the roost when what works are conscious, purposeful intentions.

An example: I asked someone in my employ what I thought was a simple question and they gave me a snarky response for the second time in several months. At first, my intent was to change their behavior, but as they became angrier and more defensive, I decided I would have to ask them to leave the premises. This decision was due to their inability in that moment to be rational and it was the right thing for me and for them.

Too often, though, we slip into recall and are triggered by our past hurt, so that all we want to do is to lash out and cause the other person emotional pain. This is exactly what the employee above was trying to do to me with their bad-mouthing and threats. I knew I didn’t want to stoop so low as to retaliate and my goal shifted from wanting them to understand me to wanting them out of my space and life. Nothing good would have come of continued arguing which only would have escalated bad feelings on both sides.

When clients tell me stories, I often ask them what they were trying to accomplish by saying this or that. Their answer usually starts with, “I just wanted them to understand that . . .” Fair enough, but what happens when someone isn’t getting your point and isn’t likely to? Where do you go from there? That is, what’s your intention at that point? 

My guess is that you become so overwrought you no longer have an intention—if you even had one when the conversation began—other than venting (a legitimate intention). Remember that when someone isn’t responding to what you’re saying or asking, it’s time to change intentions. Often it’s time to end a conversation for the moment—or forever. Just remember that you always want to know why you’re doing what you do.

Best,

Karen