No one likes to have their feelings hurt. One way to avoid it is to take an objective look at the transaction that’s occurring. Ask yourself who is hurting you: someone who matters or someone who doesn’t. Ask yourself if what the person is saying to or about you is true. If it is and the person who’s hurt you is someone you value, then take a look at what they said and see if the shoe fits. By hurting you, they may be trying to help you.

Another approach is to understand that people who intentionally do or say something to hurt you are hurt people who are trying to rid themselves of pain by tossing it over to you. For example, if you’re working on a project that fails and your boss wasn’t on top of it and accuses you of not picking up his slack, he’s blaming you so he doesn’t feel the shame of failure. Or perhaps your friend who was terribly neglected in childhood insists you’re not listening to them enough because they need more attention than you can give and don’t know how else to express their longing for it. 

In an old blog of mine, I explain how to manage hurtful remarks by addressing the process of what’s happening between you and someone else rather than the content. For instance, when I was working at a methadone clinic, clients would verbally attack me as a newbie because they were anxious about how I’d treat them. So, instead of responding to their numerous put downs, I’d comment on how they seemed to want to make me feel uncomfortable rather than express their own fears. That’s called focusing on the process of what’s happening rather than the content.

Another way to deal with hurtful remarks is to think (which I try to do) “What kind of experience could cause people to be so unkind?” If they’re mean to me, I wonder who’d been mean to them? If they’re trying to shame me, I wonder who tried to shame them. If they’re trying to invalidate my feelings, I wonder who did that to them. My assumption is they’re trying to protect themselves and reacting from old wounds. 

I find myself using this process in politics these days. When a politician is cruel and nasty to or about another, I feel disgusted but consider how something must have gone awry in their childhood for them to grow up needing to spew such hate. Of course, even though I might feel compassion toward them, it doesn’t mean I accept their behavior. 

The point is how to not internalize hurt when it’s directed at you but isn’t about you by remembering that hurtful behavior often is rooted elsewhere. You don’t need to feel hurt simply because someone would rather you hurt than they hurt.

Best,

Karen