I had an fascinating discussion with a client about being taken care of. Whereas emotionally healthy folks enjoy—dare I say treasure and glory in?— people showering them with love, attention and affection, unhealthier people (with low self-esteem and self-worth) often feel oddly discomfited and sometimes even unsettled.

If you grew up with parents or relatives always telling you to be strong and self-reliant, and/or if they modeled this behavior themselves, you might believe there’s something deficient in you when you lean on others or accept their unsolicited nurturing. Not true.  The goal is to be independent and dependent, as in “sometimes it would feel great for you to take care of me and sometimes I’m good doing it on my own, thanks.”

Noelle, a client, has struggled with both getting sucked into taking care of others at her own expense and believing her value and lovability come solely from taking care of others. She also feels an automatic obligation to give back whenever someone gives to her. For example, when she was sick with the flu, her neighbor brought over some chicken soup. Rather than enjoy the pleasure of someone having her back and caring enough to make sure she was fed well, Noelle felt she either ought not to accept the soup or immediately do something for her friend to show her gratitude. 

This sense of indebtedness stems from childhood when she was expected to care for her siblings and not ask for help. The latter still makes her feel she’s doing something wrong and she responds to that feeling by automatically wanting to do for others. Receiving help also generates feelings of helplessness, as if people might think she’s lazy or entitled and they’re therefore obligated to help her. She suffered with that feeling of helplessness a good deal as a child which drove her to work even harder in her care-giving responsibilities.

If you’re uncomfortable having people take care of you, especially emotionally, it’s crucial that you understand what’s causing your discomfort or you’ll stay out of whack your whole life—and stress yourself out in the process. You can overcome this automatic reaction by feeling and naming it and remembering that it’s only a memory trigger. Practice consciously opening yourself up to being taken care of and find pleasure in the fact that people want to show their love by taking care of you. This may make you uncomfortable at first, but by accepting care over time, you’ll begin to delight and see the value in it. Allowing yourself to be taken care of also will heal old wounds and increase your emotional resilience.

Best,

Karen