While listening to a client describe her fear of sharing untoward things about her family with outsiders due to potential repercussions or retaliation, the term brainwashed popped into my head. Isn’t that what families do to us when we don’t even realize it? Most families don’t think of their actions as brainwashing (except for those who intentionally try to control and manipulate), but it happens, nevertheless. 

Cambridge Dictionary defines brainwashing as “making someone believe something by repeatedly telling them that it is true and preventing other information from reaching them.” I’ll take the liberty of broadening this narrow definition a bit. Sometimes parents don’t come right out and tell you if something is right or wrong about you but imply it through words and actions via role modeling. When they say, “Oh, don’t share so much with your friends. I don’t want them to think badly of us,” isn’t that an indirect method of indoctrination which says that telling the truth can come back and bite you. 

Or say you complain to Mom that Daddy pinched you til it hurt because you said something that upset him and that your teacher said pinching is a type of abuse. When Mom insists, “Dad’s only trying to get you to behave and didn’t mean to hurt you,” isn’t that brainwashing? Or when you’re told that anything that happens inside the family should stay in the family because it’s none of other people’s business and they wouldn’t understand anyway, isn’t that making sure you’ll keep your mouth shut with outsiders?

Brainwashing may be subtle or overt and done with smiles or frowns. Parents mostly unconsciously but sometimes consciously pass down the lessons they learned in life. If they were hurt by those in authority, they might brainwash you into believing the world isn’t a safe place because it wasn’t for them. If they were brought up with rigid religious beliefs, they may insist you adhere to them rather than encourage you to explore and discover your own beliefs. I’ve had clients whose parents (mostly mothers) scolded their children for being “fat” which caused them to feel ashamed of their bodies well into adulthood. This kind of brainwashing is exacerbated by implicit and explicit cultural bias.

In one way or another, we’re exposed to the overt and covert opinions, beliefs, and biases of our families. If you feel unsafe physically or emotionally, I strongly encourage you to deeply examine the views with which you were raised. Granted, it may make you uncomfortable to believe you were brainwashed. But we all were to greater or lesser extent and it’s up to us as adults to be open to this fact and fight to free our minds from any brainwashing that might have occurred and be holding us back from a better life.

Best,

Karen