In writing about “hallmarks” of all-or-nothing, rigid thinkers,” I’m talking mostly about recognizing this pattern in others, but it wouldn’t hurt to check to see if you habitually share this dysfunctional mindset. As you read the examples below, notice the words that signal all/nothing thinking: always, constantly, never, only, all the time, every time. They’re absolute and at either end of a spectrum which indicates polarized thinking. 

For example, in a meeting I was in, a participant said to someone, “You constantly talk about your health. You never talk about anything else. Why don’t you just be more positive?” Well, fact is, the accused didn’t always talk about their health, which made me wonder what triggered the accuser to speak in such either-or terms, harsh terms. 

In another instance, when I challenged a client about her lateness to sessions, they said sarcastically, “Oh, you’re never late, are you? I’m always late and you’re always on time.” This wasn’t the case at all. I try to be on time but occasionally don’t succeed. And my client is often on time, but my challenge triggered her all-or-nothing thinking, leaving her to ignore her on-time arrivals. 

As to behaviors, eating habits certainly fit into the category of polarized patterns, such as either dieting or binge-eating. So do exercising religiously, then never doing it; being actively social for a period of time, then withdrawing and isolating at home; cleaning house until it’s tidy and spotless, then letting another mess build up until it’s unbearable to live with; and building activities into routines, then giving up on all of them. 

Thinking or behaving in an either-or manner isn’t emotionally healthy. If you know people who fit this description (or see this trait in yourself), it doesn’t mean they or you are bad. In fact, good/bad is exactly the type of thinking I’m talking about: only extremes exist with nothing in between. Most people learn this perspective from parents who had rigid thinking and passed it down to their progeny. They know no other way to think. 

If you see this behavior in others, recognize it as an unhealthy trait. There are times you may want to point out the falsity of someone’s comments. But if this is someone’s typical world view, beware (!) because it indicates less than optimum mental health. If you recognize this behavior in yourself, with compassion and curiosity, examine it and try to understand why your thinking isn’t more flexible. Set a goal to be more nuanced and elastic in your thoughts and behaviors to expand your emotional health. Practice listening to your thoughts and thinking of them as sitting along a continuum.

Best,

Karen