Talking with a client who asked how she could manage her unwanted thoughts and feelings better, she expressed hope that someday she wouldn’t have them at all. I told her that, sadly, in my experience of 79 years on earth, unwanted thoughts and feelings have never completely gone away and I didn’t expect they would for her, me, or anyone. 

Then I went on to explain the concept of first thoughts and feelings, describing them as things that pop into your mind. One minute there’s no thought or feeling and, boom, the next an idea or emotion is trying to take hold of you. You didn’t will it or invite it in, but there it is anyway flashing away on your mental screen or burrowing into your heart.

Note: These firsts are there to be examined not followed. Too many people believe they’re truths and act on them as if they were facts. That’s called impulsivity, but it’s also because we’re not taught to examine our thoughts. If you had a pain in your arm, you’d think about why it’s there, what might have caused it, where it came from and only then would you consider what to do about it. That’s not how we treat thoughts and feelings which we just open the door to and automatically welcome in.

For instance, the other night in bed trying to fall asleep, it popped into my head that next summer we’ll need to find a place to stay when my husband and I make our annual visit to Massachusetts. We usually stay for a week, but next year we plan to be there longer. I could have started considering where we might rent a house or condo but knew it would prevent me from falling asleep. Finding summer lodging was a first thought and, while it warranted pursuing, then was not the time, so I told myself I’d work on a plan in the morning. 

Then I felt a knot in my stomach related to a client I was to see the following day who caused me occasional agita. I could feel my body tense and my mind glomming onto a recent incident in which he’d spoken to me rudely. While a part of me wanted to dive into my anger at him, my wiser self realized this was just a first feeling which had popped up and that I could decide what I wished to do with it, which was to banish it, roll over and go to sleep.

Learn to label your first thoughts and feelings as just that. Think of them as possible alerts. Then step back and decide what to do with them. Sometimes I picture myself waving goodbye to them or closing a door on whatever I’m thinking or feeling. You have the brain power and ability to do this. Decide what you want to do with first thoughts and feelings and practice exercising your right to choose. 

Best,

Karen