I’m a believer that whatever negative stereotypes people have of us, we can override them by focusing on what we think of ourselves. If you don’t like or accept me because I’m “x”—female, Jewish, secular, a Democrat—does that mean I shouldn’t like myself? 

In the 60s, 70s and 80s, eating disorders weren’t openly talked about due to heavy stigma around bingeing and purging. Even folks who knew about my binge-eating had no idea I had bulimia until I broke through my shame and told a friend, enabling me to then open up to others. I had an eating disorder. So what? Proud that I was trying to get better, I stopped caring what people thought about it or me because I knew I had to give up the shame about the disorder, as well as the behaviors, to become healthy. 

Now eating disorders and mental health problems are less stigmatized and openly discussed. I recall presidential candidate Thomas Eagleton back in the 1970s admitting to having electroshock treatments for depression and being driven out of the race. Though stigma may remain, depression is more often viewed as a biological condition which many people have and is talked about less pejoratively and more openly. 

So, how is it that some people push past being stigmatize due to race, size, mental health issues, etc. and others don’t? Take Stacy Abrams, a Black female who some might consider higher weight. She’s an “American politician, lawyer, voting rights activist, and author who served in the Georgia House of Representatives from 2007 to 2017, serving as minority leader from 2011 to 2017.” Refusing to buy into stigmatization enabled her to not feel like a victim, pursue her goals, and become successful. 

Yet I have clients who worry no one will want them because they have, for example, bi-polar disorder. “Who would want someone like me?” they ask. “I wouldn’t date me, so why should I expect anyone else to?” I hear the same reaction from higher weight clients. “I’m gross,” they insist. “I know it and so does everyone I meet.” 

Can you hear the self-hatred in these statements and how they underscore feeling like an unacceptable victim? Full of shame, some people condemn themselves for what they perceive as objectionable, ingrained deficits. And they project their self-hatred onto what they think others will feel about them. Sure, it’s true, there are people who won’t want them in their lives because of their problems. But is that a reason to not love or accept themselves? The self-hatred has got to go even as societal stigma remains. We can’t change the world until we change ourselves. And when we start to love and accept ourselves as is while striving to grow healthier, anything is possible.