It’s somewhat ironic that humans often worry a great deal about how people will view and judge them, but may behave unconsciously in ways that elicit judgment. It’s vital that we are all in touch with how we present ourselves—from our appearance to our words and tone to how we behave. We may not wish to be judged, but we will be, because that’s simple the way of humanity. Robert Parkinson talks about the impressions we make in “Being perceived as you want to be” (Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 6/24/17, D3). He maintains that, “People will assume many things about you. Help them make the correct ones.” I love this directive because it says that we get to play a big part in how others perceive us. On a related note, I recall a social work school instructor suggesting that we get clinical clues about how clients value themselves from their appearance. He said...

Much of the advice we get these days about becoming and staying healthy involves eating nutritiously and being active. However, one piece of advice doesn’t get as much play as it should, which is to stay socially connected for better health. As an eating disorders therapist, for decades I’ve encouraged clients to seek and maintain healthy attachments to increase emotional well-being—including reducing emotional eating. Research concludes that deep attachments bolster physical well-being as well. In “The socially connected live in a virtuous circle” (Sarasota Herald-Tribune 6/20/17, E25-26), Jane Brody tells us that “Social interaction is a critically important contributor to good health and longevity.” She cites a Harvard Women’s Health Watch report: “‘Dozens of studies have shown that people who have satisfying relationships with family, friends and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer.’” Moreover, she gives us this surprising result from California researchers: “‘…those with close social ties...

One of my clients really nailed her problem with emotions. “I have no idea what I’m feeling most of the time. It’s a habit not to know,” she said, as if not being aware of feelings were the most natural thing in the world. Do you have a habit of avoiding noting or exploring what’s going on inside you? If so, it’s time get and stay connected. Emotional health means knowing what you’re feeling most of the time—when you’re frustrated, anxious, hurt, disappointed, bored, confused or lonely, plus any other emotions which pay you a visit. You may not recognize exactly what you’re feeling every second of every day, but you want to keep a running connection to your affective world. Sure, sometimes you’ll miss what you’re feeling in the moment and need to wait a bit to figure it out. The point is to value emotions enough to want to...

Not a month goes by when I don’t hear a client or HYPERLINK "Food and Feelings"  message board member insist that if they don’t believe something is true, they can’t possibly act as if it is. That belief is untrue and needs to change if you’re planning on recovering from your eating problems. Why? Because sometimes believing comes at the end of imagining and acting differently. You may tell yourself that you can’t act confidently interviewing for a job that you don’t feel totally qualified for or attending a wedding in your large-sized body feeling sexy and beautiful. You insist that you can’t do these things because they aren’t “true,” that the “truth” is that you’re highly insecure career-wise, feel silly pretending to be confident, and are certain that your interviewer will see right through you if you’re not honest. Or that you’re so ashamed of your body that sexy and...

When I started working on healing my own disregulated eating back in the late, I had no idea that my problems ran far beyond food. I began reading books and went into therapy thinking, Oh, it’s just eating, I can fix that. Boy, was I wrong and now I’m actually glad of it because I understand how clients feel when they walk in my door. Disregulated eaters have historical problems and dysfunctional patterns that trip them up and prevent them from living up to their potential as well as mucking up their eating. The problem is they often don’t realize it. We think we have problems with food; our food problems show us that we have problems with life. I recall one of my earliest clients coming to see me for overeating and, leaving the first session amazed and angry that there was so much work for her to do to...

It’s funny how disregulated eaters say they can’t plan meals ahead or find time to feed themselves when they’re hungry when they really can. This is not rocket science, folks. This is basic self-care and, let’s be honest, you can do it but choose not to. If you were in charge of a baby, would you have the same laments about taking care of her or him? For example, would you say: Even though she’s wailing and obviously starving, I can’t feed her because I’m too busy; I can’t possibly take her to the playground ever because I have too much to do; I can’t pull together decent, healthy food for her because I’m too tired; I’ll just stuff her with food no matter that she’s crying and has eaten enough; I can’t be bothered bringing food for later if she gets hungry, so too bad for her. Of course you...

I was talking with a client about her discomfort eating differently than other people which led to discussing why divergence and nonconformity produce fear and shame in her. Many of you may encounter these feelings. To move into emotional health and eat “normally,” it’s vital to enjoy, value and feel at ease with your authentic self. In terms of evolution, there are major reasons why humans desire to be like others or be different. For safety and security reasons, we want to conform and blend in, in short, be part of a group. There are also times when we want to stand out—to take charge, right a wrong, innovate, or act for the good of the group in ways which may appear counter to their norms. I know that when you’re out with friends you’re not thinking about evolution, but if nonconformity causes you discomfort when safety and security aren’t concerns,...

Most adults who grew up in dysfunctional families in which their parents drank or used drugs, were physically/sexually/emotionally abusive or neglectful, and/or were mentally ill, have difficulty knowing as adults what their rights are. Here’s a Personal Bill of Rights by Charles Whitfield (his books are great!) to live by:
1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.


2. I have the right to discover and know “my Child” Within.


3. I have the right to grieve over what I didn't get that I needed or what I got that I didn't need or want.


4. I have the right to follow my own values and standards. 


5. I have the right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate. 


6. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.

7. I have the right to dignity and respect. 


8. I have the right to make decisions. 


9. I have the right to determine and honor my own priorities.


10. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others. 
11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.


12. I have the right not to be responsible for others behavior, actions, feelings or problems.


13. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect. 


14. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

15. I have the right to all my feelings. 


16. I have the right to be angry at someone I love. 


17. I have the right to be uniquely me, without feeling that I'm not good enough. 


18. I have the right to feel scared and to say, "I'm afraid."


19. I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame. 


20. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgment or any reason that I choose. 


21. I have the right to change my mind at any time. 


22. I have the right to be happy.


23. I have the right to stability, i.e., "roots" and stable healthy relationships of my choice. 


24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs. 


25. I have the right to be relaxed, playful and frivolous. 


26. I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so. 
27. I have the right to change and grow.


28. I have the right to be open to improve my communication skills so that I may be understood. 
29. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people. 
30. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment. 
31. I have the right to be healthier than those around me. 
32. I have the right to take care of myself, no matter what. 
33. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses. 
34. I have the right to trust others who earn my trust. 
35. I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself. 
36. I have the right to give and to receive unconditional love.
If you want to be emotionally healthy, you need a healthy belief system like Whitfield’s. To make it yours, rewrite his list in your own words. Feel free to add new rights. Repeat them daily to yourself aloud in front of a mirror. Work on living by these rights and you’ll become healthier and improve your relationship with food and your body.

A message board member (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foodandfeelings) posted that she spent a great deal of time fantasizing about being a “normal” eater in a thinner body. Fantasizing is a tempting, common activity for many disregulated eaters, but it can be more destructive than constructive. Truth is that reality is the only game in town. Of course, there’s fantasizing once in a blue moon, say, when you’re invited to a swanky bash where you may be meeting lots of cool people or daydreaming about lying on the beach in Aruba on vacation without a care in the world. Then there’s fantasizing as a way of life—to avoid reality, feel better, or escape how painful and unhappy your life is. Obviously, the first kind of fantasizing is pleasurable and adds to your happiness. Musing about the big gala gets you excited, while visualizing yourself basking in the sun is a mini-break from reality that can...

At a dinner meeting I attended, the topic of self-esteem arose and generated quite a lively debate on what it is and how it develops. The answer to these questions are highly relevant to troubled eaters who generally exhibit low self-esteem and are looking for ways to raise it. Here’s a how-to from the so-called “father of self-esteem.” According to Nathaniel Branden, author of THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM, “Self-esteem is the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness.” Self-esteem isn’t about feeling good arbitrarily nor is it about loving yourself unconditionally. It comes from achieving competence which gives you confidence which, in turn, reinforces competence. To raise your self-esteem in the eating arena, you have to achieve competence which means learning and practicing skills until you are very, very good at them. Competence evolves from hard work, repetition, and tolerating...

I rarely blog about religion, but here’s a dilemma a client encountered which those of you who are using faith and prayer to heal yourself may run into. Because dilemmas, aka unresolved internal conflicts, impede recovery, it’s important to identify and work through them all. Although resolution involves a great deal of self-honesty and emotional discomfort, it will free you up to pursue other recovery issues. Let’s say you believe there is a God and, beyond that, also believe in miracles which, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, are defined as “events that appear unexplainable by the laws of nature and so are held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God.” By entertaining the possibility of God performing a miracle to cure your eating disorder—anorexia, bulimia, or binge-eating—you hold out hope of one day being a “normal” eater and maintaining a healthy, comfortable weight for life. This hope...

When I wrote NICE GIRLS FINISH FAT, I found scant research to back up my contention that there seemed to be a link between women being too nice and overeating. Now an article entitled “How people-pleasing may lead to overeating” by Alexandra Sifferlin (TIME HEALTHLAND, 2/2/12) hints at what may be going on. The article cites two studies. In one, researchers at Case Western Reserve University found that “people-pleasers tend to overeat in social settings in an effort to make other people feel more comfortable. They feel pressure to eat, whether they’re hungry or not, in order to match what people around them are eating,” though they end up later regretting their choices. It seems that people-pleasers eat more “when they believe that their eating will help another person feel more comfortable.” In another study, researchers at Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands found that subjects were inclined to “mimic each...

Rarely does a week go by when I don’t hear about the need for rewards. Sometimes the subject comes from the media hawking a product. More often, I’m listening to a friend, client, or message board member talking about the need to reward herself. Our culture is excessively and unhealthily fixated on the concept of external rewards. But, come on, do you really need a reward because you took care of the kids by yourself all day, did a full day’s work at the office, finished your homework, aced a test, or are taking care of your difficult, aging parents? If you feel entitled to a reward for what is normal every day activity, you’re in deep trouble. The reward system start with parents. We get a smile, hug, or praise when we do something they want us to do like use the toilet, eat with a fork, or say thank...

At lunch with a friend who’s always immersed in fascinating and challenging activities, we got to talking about trying new endeavors and doing things we already know how to do differently. In the spirit of our discussion, I switched my turkey wrap from my right hand to my left and continued munching. An enlightening experience, to be sure. We know from scientific studies that the more learning folks engage in as they age, the more functional they remain. Every time an unfamiliar task challenges us, the brain has to create new neural pathways which keep it growing and changing. It doesn’t matter if you shine in what you’re learning to do or acquire a skill that’s of little use to the rest of the world but of much use or fun to you. The point is that your brain benefits when it goes from here—no skill—to there—skilled. Moreover, doing new activities...

Clients tell me how they used to take better care of themselves through exercise, meditation, yoga or some centering activity that brought them in touch with their mind/body. The way they tell it is that they enjoyed and benefited from the practice until life became so hectic that they “had” to give it up. Here’s another take on their story. It’s understandable that you might need to temporarily give up this kind of self-care if you need to work to eat or have shelter, in brief periods when you must provide critical care to someone, or during some major time-limited life upheaval. But aside from these situations, it’s reasonable to take good care of yourself on an ongoing basis. Ever wonder why, when life gets busy, self-care is one of the first things to go rather than some less essential activity? The answer is that you convince yourself you’re so needed...

After 30-plus years treating under- and overeaters, I can tell you exactly what people do wrong to impede their recovery and what they must do right to make it happen. No matter whether you’re struggling with binge-eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia, chronic restrictive dieting, or any combination thereof, here are the biggest eating disorder recovery mistakes you can make—and how to correct them. Expect change to happen quickly. By expecting that you’ll change rapidly and beating yourself up when you don’t, you lose precious time when you could be working on your issues and practicing new, healthy behaviors. Change is gradual for everyone. We’re all capable of taking only baby steps. Ironically, if you want to speed up your recovery, assume it will take a very long time.Misunderstand the change process. Forget hoping for a straight trajectory to your goals. Change not only takes time, but it comes in fits and starts....

Back in January, at a lecture by a social psychologist friend on the nature of commitments and cults, I found myself scribbling notes like mad as my mind drifted to our culture’s crazy allegiance to diets. Here’s what I learned about why, against all evidence and rationality, we insist on clinging to them. I get intrigued when research is counter-intuitive and a few observations of my professor friend were nothing but. First, he pointed out that we don’t make commitments to goals which make sense and that we know are achievable. Instead, we make commitments to things we don’t know are true and possible but hope or wish were so. For example, custom aside, uncertainty is the reason we feel a need to “commit” to marriage: because we can’t know we’ll live happily ever after, we make a pledge to ensure that it will happen. The same goes for diets. We...

Many of my clients lament what they describe as their lack of creativity. Mostly they long for an outlet to engage body and mind so they won’t drift off to foodland. As a writer, I heartily endorse the passionate engagement of creativity to which mindless eating can’t hold a candle. In fact, when I’m writing, my poor hunger has to really pump up the volume to get my attention. If you want to become more engaged and creative, read on. Christian McEwen, author of WORLD ENOUGH AND TIME: ON CREATIVITY AND SLOWING DOWN (In praise of doing nothing, Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 8/22/11), insists that creative people value “the virtues of …idleness in their own creative lives,” citing artists (in the broad sense of the word) who love open mental space because it frees them up. Unfortunately, our culture is so hell bent on keeping busy that we don’t give ourselves permission to...

Most disregulated eaters, at least those I’ve come across, have been using the wrong part of themselves to interact with food, when the right one is just itching to do its job. So many eaters get into trouble because they over-think around food, when what could be easier than simply letting natural appetite take over. When your body is in charge, the experience of eating flows perfectly from biological functions knowing what to do. Thinking, using what we call “the mind,” is useful and absolutely necessary for many activities: various types of work, decision-making, long-term planning, problem-solving, critical thinking, organizing, and many more. The body—senses, appetite, physical cues—also has its domain: getting you from here to there, playing sports, fine motor skill coordination, registering external sensations, and signaling sickness. These aspects of ourselves work in tandem to keep us living well and avoiding harm and each is tasked with doing part...

One of the saddest things that having an eating problem can do is to con you into believing that it’s the main thing that’s wrong with you. The fact is that even if you had a peachy relationship with food, you’d still have areas of your life that need improvement. Ironically, if you were to put more effort into these areas of self-growth and skill learning, I guarantee that your eating difficulties would decrease. If you awakened tomorrow with a wonderful relationship with food and your body, would that be the end of working on becoming a more enlightened person? This is a crucial question to answer. Many of you are so busy focusing on food—hell-bent and desperate to overcome your eating problems--that you’re not putting sufficient energy into advancing in the human being department. In this sense, eating problems can be all consuming. For example, if you work on becoming...

Sometimes I can just tell when clients are about to make a big change before they actually do. This was the case with a client I work with who recently mentioned that she was plum tired of thinking of herself as a “struggling dieter” or a “binge-eater.” She said that she just wanted to be a normal person who had normal people’s problems. What I heard in her statement was that she no longer wished to obsess about food, and was ready to get on with life. For decades her identity had revolved around food and weight. For most of her youth she was a dieter and agonized about every pound and every morsel she put into her mouth. Then she catapulted into binge-eating and obsessing about being overweight. She was miserable “because of the shame of it,” health problems, not being able to do the activities she wanted, and because...

One of the biggest obstacles that disregulated eaters face in recovery is failing to sustain self-nurturing behavior--you stop noshing, start feelings your feelings, exercise regularly, take your vitamins daily, meditate, connect to friends, and carve out self-time. Then suddenly you don’t. Here’s at least a partial explanation to this puzzling pattern. First, the self-nurturing part of you is way (way, way) underdeveloped. That’s why you lack self- compassion, are self-critical/unforgiving/hard on yourself. Second, your attachment to that undeveloped nurturing aspect of self is tenuous. Sometimes you tune into it and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes it springs into life to guide you effectively through the world, but more often, you detach from it as if it didn’t even exist. When you’re attached to it, everything is fine and dandy. You leave work on time, insist that the kids leave you alone when you want to relax, have fun with friends, hit the...

I’ve always been against (and aghast) at the idea of giving people praise solely to help them feel better about themselves. The truth is that self-esteem comes from increased competence and confidence, each of which feeds the other. In fact, the “work” involved in gaining competence is what changes the brain and causes learning to occur. An article entitled, “Educators re-examine self-esteem boosting” (Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 1/16/12), explains how bona fide self-esteem develops in children and, more importantly, how it doesn’t. “Brain imaging shows how…connections between nerve cells in the cortex multiply and grow stronger as people learn and practice new skills.” That’s why I’m always harping on the need for practice in becoming a “normal” eater even when you’re frustrated or hopeless. Learning occurs no matter how you feel about the process. Just do the work, and success—via a changed brain—will be yours. The article also talks about seeking external rewards...

Not a week goes by when I don’t hear clients complain about feeling stuck in improving their eating habits or making other changes in their lives. The truth is, there is no such psychological state as stuckness. Rather, stuckness is the negative perception of a state between inaction and action or between an action taken and a potential action. When you say you’re stuck, what are you really feeling? Here’s my guess: fear, risk-aversion, confusion, uncertainty, frustration, despair, doubt, maybe even emotional paralysis. Those are legitimate emotions and by acknowledging that you feel them, you’re doing yourself a service because then you can figure out the roots of your distress and how to overcome it. If you’re scared, what of? If you’re frustrated, what could generate new motivation? If you’re risk-aversive, what exactly will tip the balance to boost your courage? If you’re uncertain, what could you do to strengthen your...

We’re not a month into the new year and I bet many of you are already breaking your well intended New Year’s resolutions. Don’t feel badly. Resolutions are like diets: they’re made to help you feel good in the moment, but don’t have the legs to take you the distance. Read on to find out how science explains why resolutions don’t work. Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, an authority on the brain’s pleasure center, says, “We all as creatures are hard-wired…to give greater value to an immediate reward as opposed to something that’s delayed.” Get it? Our brains have evolved in such a way as to prefer instant gratification to delayed reward. You’re not crazy when you go for the chips rather than grab your coat to take a brisk walk, or when you swing by Wendy’s rather than head home to cook a nutritious...

I’ve noticed that sometimes when I comment to person A about person B’s bad behavior, “A” embarks on a lengthy explanation of how “B” might have come to be that way. In essence, person A is defending B’s behavior by detailing B’s dysfunctional childhood or the hard times B is going through, making it seem a natural consequence of their history. But does understanding bad behavior mean that we need to accept it? For example, I was having dinner with old friends when one woman started complaining about her elderly mother whom we all knew from an earlier time in our lives. The complainer was giving some pretty clear examples of the harsh treatment she was still receiving from her mother when another friend piped up with all the reasons Mom might be as she is. I kept my mouth shut for the most part and continued to observe the conversation,...

To whom are you accountable? Accepting that you—and only you—are responsible for your thoughts, feelings and behavior makes a huge difference in whether or not you’ll overcome your eating problems. That is, do you take charge of yourself or do you give over responsibility for your eating to family, friends, or our culture? For example, I counsel a wife who overeats, just waiting for her husband to say something to stop her. And her husband falls right into the trap every time as if his spouse has absolutely no will of her own. Accountability for her eating is in the wrong hands. Only when hubby refuses to be responsible for his wife’s food consumption, will she have a fighting chance to pick up the gauntlet herself. As long as he’s willing to act as her conscience, she’ll continue her dysfunctional behavior. I also have clients who sneak eat, as if the...

As a disregulated eater, you likely doubt your ability to make wise decisions for yourself. Maybe lack of trust existed prior to your eating problems or maybe abusing food wore down your conviction that you can adequately care for yourself. If you’ve come to distrust your judgment, read on about a winning way to make decisions. To develop self-trust, you need to stop imposing answers on yourself and, instead, engage in self-discovery. This means tossing out what you or others think you should or shouldn’t do and waiting for answers that feel right to surface over time. Self-discovery is an organic process which is about patiently taking in information and, by doing so, having bits of wisdom unfold to you little by little to move you forward to a decision point. In this process, you don’t force an idea or decision on yourself prematurely, but allow time to discover how you...

A common occurrence is having a client come into my office and start telling me about a problem. That’s what clients are supposed to do with me, right—cough up their problems? Well, sure, that’s true, but I’m talking about describing their problems to the exclusion of focusing on what they might do to reduce or eliminate them. For example… A client might sit down and begin complaining about her husband being over-involved in his work and rarely spending time alone with her. She’ll describe in detail the instances during the week that he’s come home late while l listen, maybe making a comment or asking a question. When I ask if she’s followed up on corrective ideas we talked about previously, she’ll shrug and say how hard it is to change him and return to complaining. Another client might come in with a list of times he’s binged during the week and give...

I was interviewed a while ago by Stanley F. Bronstein who radically changed his eating and lifestyle to become happier, healthier, and more fit. His story is inspiring. Hear his interview of me at http://superchangeyourlife.com/interviews/interviews-karen-koenig/ and learn more about him at SuperChangeYourLife. As you know, I don’t focus much on weight, but part of Stanley’s transformation was losing and keeping off more than 130 pounds and getting into an exercise regime he enjoys. His blood pressure dropped from 180/90 to 100/50 and I bet many of his “lab numbers” improved as well. Stanley says his problem was that he wasn’t willing to make the necessary changes [to get healthy] because he felt as if that would mean giving something up, that there would be too many painful sacrifices. But after sustaining success, he insists he didn’t give anything up, but has gained so much. He now “eats to live” and “no...

I had an interesting discussion with a client about how well she was doing eating “normally” while visiting her family, then how things suddenly fell apart. She said that for most of the week she’d eaten only when she was hungry and stopped when she was full or satisfied, but that by the end of the visit, she was back to her old eating habits. The truth is I hear this lament a lot. It’s called recovery fatigue. It can be hard to keep attuned to hunger, food preference, enjoyment, and satiation on an ongoing basis. The process demands focus, effort, thought, reflection, insight—and discomfort. If you’re used to having a relationship with food that’s mostly on autopilot, serious, continuing concentration can feel exhausting. This is why pacing and patience is important rather than throwing all your energy into being different and getting well--and temporarily burning yourself out. Think about being...

I was speaking with a client a while back about the war within her among what she calls her “wild child,” “the helpless onlooker,” and her “nurturing overseer.” As we talked about each facet of her personality that surfaces around her unwanted eating, I had an idea. Sometimes words, especially those in our heads and unspoken, just don’t cut it. Instead, I thought of a way for her to act out her inner dialogue. What better vehicle than to use sock puppets. After we had a giggle over my suggestion, we got down to some serious discussion about how this sock puppet drama might play out. She could either make them the old-fashioned way, out of a sock and tennis ball, or she might find a more sophisticated version in a store. Going with the home-made version, she could draw a face on the puppet that expressed what it was feeling....

It’s useful to have expectations, but not if they’re unrealistic and leave you disappointed. And since disappointment is one of the emotions that may drive unwanted eating, it’s far better to have reasonable expectations, even if that means giving up some of your most cherished hopes and dreams. A place to start is with acknowledging human limitation. One characteristic of disregulated eaters is not wanting to feel emotional discomfort, so instead of seeing life as it is (sometimes a bit on the yucky side), it’s more comfortable to construct an appealing reality. Such as believing that if you try hard enough to put forth your needs, people will change to meet them. That way you don’t have to change and accept that some folks simply cannot and will give you what you want and need. Why? Because they have limitations. Humans are short on life skills and long on not wanting...

Many overeaters are “weighting” for their lives to begin. I think you know what I mean by that. You’re waiting to slim down enough to feel good about yourself so you can do the things you want to do—date, find a new job, travel, seek or leave a mate, or buy a new wardrobe. It makes me both sad and mad that the only thing stopping you is yourself! You may be sick to death of hearing people like me say that if you’re putting off life until you lose weight, you’re wasting your time. Please don’t bring up all the folks in this culture who hate fat and make fun of fat people. And don’t tell me you’re so uncomfortable in your body that you can’t get it to do the things you want it to do, or that life in some ways is more difficult when you’re fat. All...

The question that arises perhaps more often than any other as I treat clients or on my  "Food and Feelings" message board is how long it will take to recover from disregulated eating. Although it feels far too glib to reply to such an earnest inquiry that it takes as long as it takes, that’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth. A more enlightening question is what makes disregulated eaters so obsessed with a recovery end date. As I’ve mentioned before, I worked in the field of drug addiction for six years and, interestingly, I can’t recall ever hearing clients ask when they would recover. Most definitely thought the process would be far quicker than it was, and some certainly believed they were done with drugs or alcohol only to discover they were only in early recovery, but their focus was not on when they’d be free of addiction....

Many disregulated eaters have emotional or interpersonal problems which truly stand in the way of not only eliminating their food challenges, but living a more satisfying life. We all strain and struggle with changing ourselves, but if you want the best life you can have, there is no other way to achieve it but by addressing what’s holding you back. Here are several “big” issues, with which you may or may not identify, all of which are changeable with patience and effort. Each of us has lessons to learn and areas to improve, so notice which of the following have your name on them and set an intent to give them your undivided attention. Perhaps you would benefiting from learning the art of self-reflection. Because you don’t care to dwell on painful feelings about the past or rush around unmindfully, you miss out on learning from them. You “do what you...

As Geneen Roth says, “It’s easy to want to change, but it’s hard to actually change.” Disregulated eaters often have difficulty sticking to self-care commitments, so here’s an excuse-proof way to stop wiggling out of them: An “If I’m not dead, I will…” edict which means just what it says. Sound a bit extreme? Perhaps, but it works. Do you have trouble following through on waiting to eat ‘til you’re hungry, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, meditating, practicing yoga, making time to socialize, or taking time for yourself? You may know these activities help you feel better physically and emotionally, but not do them consistently because there are pressing reasons to not do them: you’re a busy person, you’re exhausted, doing for yourself feels indulgent and unfamiliar, you want to be productive 24/7, or you hate to disappoint others. In short, you’re ambivalent, and more often than not, your desire to...

When people make assertions that are flimsy or invalid, I have a friend who asks them, How do you know that? Deceptively simple, this question challenges intellectual laziness and uncritical adherence to falsehood and demands that opinions be backed up by facts. I strongly encourage you to use it to challenge your own irrational thinking. The counseling I do requires that I constantly push people to think critically and act rationally if they intend to become emotionally healthy “normal” eaters. That means finding evidence to support all of their beliefs. It doesn’t wash to say, “I just know it,” “I’ve always thought this way,” “I have no idea,” or but “Mom/Dad/whomever says so.” You need to back up every assertion, especially the ones you use to guide your eating and shape your view of yourself, with rock solid evidence. Moreover, training yourself to think with this kind of rigorous analysis around...

How rational are you about your eating and weight? Perhaps you haven’t given much thought to the subject. If so, you won’t get far in changing your beliefs or behaviors. Some thoughts from a winter lecture I attended on rationality and intelligence. The American Heritage Dictionary defines rational as “based upon reason; logical,” and irrational as “contrary to reason; illogical.” Being human, we have the capacity to be both rational and irrational; it’s part of our genetic make-up, coded into our DNA. An interesting note: you might assume that there’s a correlation between being intelligent and being rational. In fact, IQ does not equal RA (rational quotient)! Ironically, highly intelligent people are more likely to cloak illogic and false assumptions in sophisticated illusions to shield themselves from seeing the truth. There are two causes of what’s called disrationale. One is that our brain relies on short cuts to take care of...

Many disregulated eaters are highly focused on goals, not just about eating or weight, but about many aspects of life. Unfortunately, frustration with not meeting goals or not meeting them fast enough, may trigger unwanted eating. Some thoughts about how to use goals effectively. Troubled eaters can get caught up in their heads thinking about their goals. There’s a difference between setting goals, planning for them, then going on to think about other things and obsessing and constantly focusing on goals to make them happen. If you’re working toward a goal, say, getting a college degree, you would want to do a great deal of research and exploration, make a loose plan, then start taking steps forward. Using this example, you would want to consider whether you could get a decent job in the field you’re studying, but don’t need to plan out where you’re going to be living and how...

No matter how hard you try, you won’t sustain “normal” eating if you hate yourself. I don’t mean not dissing your body, which is a mere manifestation of self-hatred. I mean understanding where your fierce animosity comes from and chasing it out the door. The reason that so many disregulated eaters find it difficult to love themselves is that they’re full of self-contempt and –disgust. That’s why when mental health experts insist that self-love is imperative for healing food problems, many troubled eaters simply can’t fathom going from here to there. It’s not as if they’ve been walking around feeling merely neutral or lukewarm about themselves. What they’ve been carting around for decades is a palpable self-hatred that touches every aspect of their lives. This mindset takes up far too much real estate in a disregulated eater’s thinking and is the underpinning for most self-destructive behavior. It crowds out achievement, pride,...

I have clients who’re making real progress in their lives—they used to do “A” around food or people and are now doing “B”—yet still tell me they’re “trying” and “learning,” while I’d call what they’re doing succeeding. Do you understand the difference? When do you stop saying you’re trying or learning and start saying you’re succeeding? Not that there’s anything wrong with “trying” or “learning,” but the goal is success. Let’s look at the word “trying” as in, “I’m trying to be more open about my feelings.” That implies that you want to be different, but it’s not happening or not happening often enough. Effort and intent are there, but not achievement. If you’re trying to wait to eat until you’re moderately hungry and not actually doing so, you’re not doing it. But what if you’re mostly putting off food until you hit the right hunger level? That’s not trying, that’s...

A friend and colleague, psychotherapist/life coach Dr. Karma Kitaj, sent me psychologist Abraham Maslow's list of self-actualizing qualities. They speak to the life skills and attitudes that troubled eaters need to acquire in their quest to become “normal” eaters. As you read them over, think, “Which ones do I have? Which ones do I need to learn?”

To be what Maslow calls self-actualized, you need to do the following:See problems in terms of challenges and situations requiring solutions, rather than as personal complaints or excuses.  Respect your need for privacy and be comfortable being alone.  Be reliant on your own experiences and judgment—be independent—not on culture and environment to form your opinions and views.  Not be susceptible to social pressures—be comfortable being a non-conformist.Be democratic, fair and non-discriminating, which means embracing and enjoying all cultures, races and individual styles.Be socially compassionate, possessing humanity.  Accept others as they are and not try to...

An avid reader, I was struck when a character in a mystery I was enjoying proclaimed, “I won’t stop until I figure it out. There’s always a solution.” I wished right then and there that I could magically transfer this must-have, winning perspective into all the troubled eaters I know so they could focus on finding solutions rather dwelling on their problems. Rather than devoting your full energy to problem solving, how many of you ruminate about your eating struggles and the feeling that you’re not progressing? Acknowledge your problems for sure, but dwelling on them will only suck the life force right out of you and leave you in despair. We all have problems—if it’s not eating, it’s your spouse/parent/sibling/partner/kids/neighbors/boss; if it’s not people, it’s your health, job or financial situation. Life is replete with difficulties, broken only by occasional breathers in which to gather up your strength to tackle...

Are you constantly looking for acceptance, love, approval, or validation from others in order to feel good about yourself? Do you speed-read through self-help books, drift from therapist to therapist, and quest for magical wisdom at “transformational” retreats and workshops in the hope that something or someone will heal you? My advice is to cease this flurry of activity and, instead, seek answers within yourself. What the words self-help, self-approval, and self-love all have in common is, obviously, the word “self.” You have the answer for how to be with yourself in perfect harmony if you’d only stop running around looking outside yourself. Isn’t it true that no matter how many people love and validate you, you still don’t love or seem to be able to validate yourself consistently? Haven’t you noticed that the more you seek approval from others, the more you need it from them and the farther away...

Unfortunately, disregulated eaters tend to think in extremes about more than food and exercise. In my experience, they view many aspects of life in polar opposition. Here’s an example of common, all-or-nothing thinking and behavior around communication and what you can do to improve it, your life, and your eating. A former client had been coming to a slow boil over her marriage for years. She’d finally tired of her husband’s frequent put downs, attempts to undermine her self-confidence, and shaming her in front of other people. For decades, she’d suffered in silence from his sharp tongue, tantrums, and unwillingness to have a civil discussion about their relationship. No surprise that when she had felt hurt by his cruelty, she had held her tongue and generally turned to food to comfort herself. (I wonder how many of you will read this sentence and heave a sad sigh of recognition.) As we...

There are many life skills that disregulated eaters need to become “normal” eaters and you will not—ever! never!--become one without them. Developing a positive relationship with food is about far more than eating. It’s about acquiring skills to live a quality life. Two of these skills are patience and practicing until you succeed. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know when I say that you’re probably not very patient and want success, like, today. You’re focused on bringing the future to yourself now. Your attitude about the future tends to be unrealistic, as if you have the ability to bend time to your will. “I want to be a ‘normal’ eater today,” the voice inside you cries and, rather than remind yourself that this is impossible, you think you’re a failure because you haven’t achieved what is not achievable. A clear case of disordered, all-or-nothing pretzel thinking. You’re not a...

A common concern of disregulated eaters is what it takes to become a “normal” eater. The process involves patience, persistence, curiosity, self-reflection, self-honesty, the ability to tolerate discomfort—and the practice of excellence. What does practicing excellence mean? You may be surprised to find out.Journalist Daniel Coyle studies excellence and wrote a book called THE TALENT CODE: GREATNESS ISN’T BORN. IT’S GROWN. HERE’S HOW. I haven’t read it, but I like what he has to say about the process of achieving excellence. Observing people learning different activities, he says (Psychotherapy Networker, March/April 2012), “Whether it was a little kid playing soccer or somebody playing the harp, there was this uncomfortable place where they were reaching intensely, failing, sensing that failure, and reaching again for the right answer. And when you really zoom in on what’s happening when you’re in that state, you’re making new connections in the brain—building a map of what...

If you had a highly a distressing childhood, you may have difficulty as an adult managing anxiety and stress, a trigger for food abuse. But by understanding how the brain works, you can reduce fear and anxiety and begin to eat more “normally.” Through brain research over several decades, we’ve gained valuable insights into the formation and retention of memories, especially fear-based ones, and how they play out in life. This information is useful because it provides a makes-sense reason for why at times your level of anxiety is far too great for a situation. For a thorough explanation of emotions and brain function, read THE EMOTIONAL BRAIN by Joseph Ledoux. As children, our brains are still developing and reach maturity somewhere in our late 20s. The part of our brain we rely on as children is its most primitive component—our fear response. As with other animals, our primary goal is...

I attended a lecture a while back given by a social psychologist on assessing teacher performance which included a set of simple criteria which are’ surprisingly relevant to recovering from eating problems. Although we know that recovery is a complex process, a point I can’t underscore strongly enough, using these criteria will provide you with excellent tools to gauge your potential for success. The factors that impact and can be used to measure performance include 1) motivation, 2) ability, and 3) constraints. Obviously, we’re not measuring your success as a long-distance runner or a professional educator here, but we can still say you’re working to perform at a certain level, ie, as a “normal” eater. That is your motivation. Without a doubt, you need to have unilateral motivation to succeed. Said another way, mixed feelings (conscious or unconscious) about eating more intuitively or losing weight, will derail success. To achieve optimum...