Shame often fills every molecule of airspace in my office. It comes in waves off clients describing making small mistakes that are gigantic in their minds, transgressions that occurred years or decades ago that remain alive in their memories today and imagined harm they’ve inflicted on others that under the spotlight of exploration becomes nothing of the sort. To combat dysregulated eaters being shame-based, I focus on pride and what clients are proud of. Prying this information out of them is no easy task. When I ask clients what makes them proud of themselves, they usually go silent and need to think long and hard to give me an answer. Sadly, some have no idea what I’m asking about—do I mean what they’ve achieved, done well, what others like or praise them for? Pride is the positive feeling of doing something well according to your own standards. Sometimes these standards...

  I have a client who binges and purges whenever she’s stressed. If this describes you, consider this: What if it’s the best way you know of to cope with the vicissitudes of life? What if you’re trying to save yourself from worse pain by these actions? I don’t know if you know the story of Aron Ralston who cut off the lower half of his arm to free himself from being pinned by a boulder in the Utah desert. I remember hearing his story and thinking that he believed amputation to be his last resort or he wouldn’t have done such a painful thing. Most people, I assume, probably agreed. Ralston’s heroics drifted into my consciousness when I was talking to my client about her stress-induced binges and purges. I asked what words came to mind when she thought about them and she blurted out, “Disgusting, repulsive, shameful, foolish, disheartening,...

Whether you have pain that’s short-term, say a severe headache or a broken bone, or chronic and long-term, as can happen with fibromyalgia or neuropathy, you may be using food as a crutch to get you through the day. Being in pain can steer you toward the refrigerator in several ways, but you can learn not to let it do so—and improve your health at the same time. You may turn to unhealthy food: · For comfort from pain because you hurt badly and wish to feel better. Who could blame you for that? However, food is not meant for comfort, except occasionally. Especially if you’re suffering is ongoing, you may be telling yourself it’s okay to eat lots of sweets and treats because you feel so miserable. Or because life’s not fair. But, it’s not okay to mistreat your body when it’s already feeling awful. It’s far better to find...

I spend a good deal of therapy time talking with clients about how to self-soothe and talk themselves down from the ledge when they feel heightened anxiety. Ours is not at heart a culture that teaches or helps us do that in spite of all we hear about meditation, yoga, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. We’re not exactly a deep feeling culture. We’re externally rather than internally focused. But Norwegians seem to have found a way to do what we need to take classes to learn. The word they use to describe what they call their national pastime is “koselig.” (“Why are Norwegians so happy? In a word: ‘koselig’” by David Allan, CNN online, 5/1/19, accessed 5/1/19). Allan says, “You could roughly translate koselig (pronounced "koosh-lee"), as ‘coziness,’ but that leaves out crucial components of it, like enjoying the company of others and a connection with nature.” Neither of these pastimes should be...

I can’t believe I’ve lived this long and never heard of the essay, “Welcome to Holland” written by Emily Kingsley in 1987 (Texas Parent to Parent, Austin, TX, accessed 4/30/19.) When you read it, you’ll see why it needs no introduction other to say the author is talking about having a child with a disability. Here it is: “When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like you’re planning a vacation to Italy. You’re all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks, you learn a few phrases so you can get around, and then it comes time to pack your bags and head for the airport. Only when you land, the stewardess says, ‘WELCOME TO HOLLAND.” You look at one another in disbelief and shock, saying, “HOLLAND? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I SIGNED UP FOR ITALY.” But they explain that there’s been a change of plan, that you’ve landed...

Many people come to therapy because they’re “in crisis.” Usually, they see the crisis as something terrible, perhaps the worst thing that ever happened to them. I get it, but my job is to try to help them see this “crisis” as something more, maybe even positive. It’s not a new idea to view “bad” things that happen to us as possibly being good in the long run. Philosophers, spiritual leaders and experts in human behavior have written about this subject for ages. Yet, when something unpleasant or unsettling happens to us, we generally go right to thinking about how awful it is and how terrible it will be for our lives. To be clear, I’m not talking about fatal health or medical problems, the loss of a loved one, fire or flood demolishing your home, or severe traumas like being raped. Here are some examples of what I mean. Your...

I spend my days listening to what clients want. Sadly, I rarely hear them sharing wanting to be mentally healthy above all else. That is what I want for myself and for all of you. Setting a goal to achieve as much mental health as you can means that you may need to sacrifice other, lesser goals. This doesn’t mean they’re not worthwhile pursuits. It means that their exclusive pursuit may be what’s holding you back from growing mentally healthier. In and of themselves, there’s nothing wrong with desiring them. But they’re not the whole shebang is what we want to strive for. Here are some goals that dysregulated eaters and clients say they want: To be heard and seen. To be sure, this is an admirable, very human goal. Who wishes to go through life feeling that you don’t matter and aren’t worth a whit? However, it’s important to assess...

There’s a process that goes on in recovery that’s more subtle than overt and which is full of greater complexity than most dysregulated eaters can imagine. I know, as I was one of them. One barrier to this reality is a major trait of troubled eaters: all or nothing thinking. More often than not, clients come to me with the stated or unstated wish or belief that if they just try hard enough, they’ll become “normal” eaters. Nothing could be further from the truth. Another aspect of misperception is that it’s very hard to imagine being any different than we are. We can fantasize about it, but we can’t deep down have the experience of what we’re not yet. Which leads me to point out the gradual transformation that happens in healing and recovery. Initially, people try out different skills and inevitably have difficulty with them. They forget to practice them;...

I sometimes wonder if I talk enough about bravery when it’s one of the most significant qualities a person can have. I know that with clients, we discuss their anxiety and worry, fears and frustrations. But the other side of the coin is just as important: to recognize the acts of bravery that we engage in and even those we consider engaging in which someday may come to fruition. Why bravery? Because so many dysregulated eaters don’t realize they need to be brave to overcome their eating disorders. Here are 20 large and small acts of bravery relating to food and your body to aspire to or pat yourself on the back for if you’ve already engaged in them: Stop dieting.Leave an abusive relationship.Quit weighing yourself.Seek therapy.Throw out food when you’ve eaten enough.End relationships in which you’re mistreated on a regular basis.Eat high-calorie/high-fat food in front of others.Refuse to purge after...

We act in certain ways because we’re driven by what we call human nature. Over the centuries, there have been varying views of what that entails. “The bad news on human nature, in 10 findings from psychology” by neuroscientist Christian Jarrett (Aeon, 12/5/18, adaptation of an article published by The British Psychological Society’s Research Digest, accessed 12/7/18) may help you understand more about why we and others say and do things that are not always in our best interest. Here are some evidence-based conclusions about our baser desires and reactions. · We believe that people deserve their fate and blame the less fortunate for what happens to them. In part, this may be why many dysregulated eaters are hard on themselves and confuse taking responsibility for their actions with self-blame. · We are not particularly rational, open-minded creatures. Remember this when you’re arguing with someone and the facts that you present...

This blog came about thanks to (another) lively and enlightening discussion I had with a client about what qualities make us feel like adults. Even when we’re chronological adults, we may not know how to act maturely or may have only a hazy idea of how adults ought to conduct themselves. After all, our concept of adulthood is rooted in a template of how our parents and other important grownups acted when we were children. Many dysregulated eaters may not have bothered to update this view, even long after they have become adults themselves. The discussion with my client on adulthood grew out of the conversation we’ve had on more than one occasion about her feelings when we touch on whether or not she acts childishly. This time, rather than focus on what behaviors or reactions might be childish or childlike, I headed in another direction: How did she feel about...

Twice in one day, I had clients complain about exercise and eating healthily being chores. They had nothing but negative things to say about how they felt about engaging in these activities. Obviously, the intense feelings they had about these activities are only made worse by filing them in the category of “chore” in their brains. Would it, I wondered with them, make a difference to categorize them as “challenge”? According to the English Oxford Living Dictionaries, a chore is either a “routine task, especially a household one,” or “a tedious but necessary task.” (accessed 1/21/19, https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/chore). Even here we have leeway. Thinking of exercise as a routine will get the job done. It’s something you do frequently and regularly, so much so that you have no need to even think about it. The second meaning is more like how my clients view chores: as one big “Ugh!” They give them...

I’m often struck by the fact that psychological concepts that I recognize like the back of my hand are unknown to many clients. I don’t know why I’m surprised, considering that the education of a therapist is based on possessing a thorough knowledge of psychology. One of these concepts that people don’t readily see and often need a therapist to point out to them is called secondary gain. To put it simply, a primary gain is one we’re conscious of and a secondary gain is one that is generally unconscious. The term is often applied in relation to poor health. The primary gain from going to the doctor would include getting proper diagnosis and treatment. The primary gain from telling people about your sickness might include informing friends about why you’ve been isolating or even finding out if they’ve gone through what you’re experiencing. With primary gain, we have an intentional,...

I feel sad for my clients who settle for so little in relationships and in other aspects of life. You may do the same thing if you compare what you have now to what you had growing up and think this is the best you can do—with friends, romance or work. In childhood, you may have been neglected or physically or sexually abused. Now you put up with emotional abuse or indifference thinking, “At least I’m not being hurt physically.” You may have suffered emotional abuse at the hands of your parents and now accept romantic or friend relationships with people who are sometimes nice to you but mistreat you at other times. You stay because this is the best you’ve been treated to date and are grateful that at least someone isn’t awful to you all the time. You stay because life has improved. But you’re still not getting the...

What happens when we believe fake news and what happens when we take as truth the random irrational thoughts floating through our minds day in and day out is pretty much the same thing. When we stop even trying to distinguish fact from fiction—within or without— and go with how we “feel,” we surrender rationality and suffer grave consequences. When our eating behaviors are the product of mental flotsam—denial, fantasy, pretzel logic, and irrational fears—we can forget about growing healthier or wiser. The fake news being generated by our brains (aka eating disordered thinking) will keep us chained to the merry-go-round of emotional and mindless eating forever. The only way off this very unmerry go-round is to take charge of our minds and start separating fact from fiction, fake news from real news. Here are the top 10 hits being broadcast 24/7 on the fake news channel of dysregulated eaters: I...

One of my clients said that she’s practicing staying focused on “what is” rather than on “what if,” and I thought that was a great phrase and way to live. Living according to this creed, she’s making changes in her current life rather than agonizing about the future. What if you stopped obsessing about “what if” and made “what is” your primary focus? There is, of course, nothing wrong with considering what might happen in the future in order to try to make better decisions in the present. In fact, this is the best way to problem solve. But, there’s a big difference between intentionally thinking about consequences and putting your life on hold or not experiencing it to the fullest. Here are some examples of how these major differences play out: Some people have little direction in life and only the broadest of goals such as wanting to be happy....

Reading a book about how strongly human nature inclines toward irrationality and the importance of fighting to be rational made me think about illogical beliefs that clients bring into therapy. Although their lives are problem-laden or they can’t reach their eating and other goals, they are often upset when I challenge these irrational beliefs. Because my job is neither to placate nor make them feel good in the moment, but to get and keep them mentally healthy, I challenge them anyway. If you want the health, happiness, and success that other people achieve, you can’t hold these beliefs:   That will never happen to me. It’s understandable how this thought takes root. How reassuring to believe that bad things happen to other people and not to us. Or that bad things may befall us, but they only protect us from worse things happening. If we believe that unfortunate things happen only...

Nearly all who come to therapy voluntarily are seeking enlightenment. They yearn for eureka moments, mental lightbulbs flashing, ah-ha insights that will rock their world. All well and good, as most behavioral changes begin with shifts in thinking. But insights are only the start of a process, not the end, which is purposeful, positive action. This shift from insight to action comes up frequently in therapy. One phone client shouted in exasperation, “I am so tired of asking why. I don’t care why I eat when I really don’t want food. I want to not do it.” Another lamented, “I understand my childhood, I so get why I’m like I am. Now how can I be different.” Another tearfully asked, “What am I doing wrong? Why aren’t I happy?” To use an automobile metaphor, insight is like shifting into first gear. It gets you out of your parking space or driveway....

Those of us who aspire to be rational creatures generally believe ourselves to be whether we are or not. When asked, we insist that we base our decisions on facts and expect that others should do so as well. But, as explained in “The partisan brain” (The Economist, 12/8/18, p. 33, accessed 12/10/18), the evidence shows that facts aren’t the big persuaders that we wish them to be. This subject is highly relevant to dysregulated eaters who find it hard to believe that diets don’t work long-term or that certain foods will likely harm their health down the road. As many of you know, these truths don’t always change your thinking or behavior. Ever wonder why? Jeremy Frimer of the University of Winnipeg suggests that “people are willing to dismiss or deny facts and opinions that run counter to their beliefs.” According to the authors of The Enigma of Reason, Hugo...

If I had to generalize, I’d say that I spend a large chunk of the therapy hour trying to persuade clients that they can’t change the feelings or behaviors of other adults. Talk about continuing education. My best shot at helping clients accept this tough-to-swallow concept is to tell them, “If you didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it and if you didn’t start it, you can’t stop it.” They seem to get this idea on a theoretical level but find it hard to put into practice in specific instances. Here are some ways this theory might be applied. I treat a great many clients who have abusive (leaning toward sociopathic) partners. To a person, these abusers had awful, dysfunctional childhoods full of neglect and/or abuse. My guess is that these abusers’ parents had pretty crummy beginnings themselves. So, my clients meet someone at age 19 or 27 when their personalities...

About a million times a week (okay, that’s a slight exaggeration), I hear clients tell themselves that they need to do something. They also share with me what they direct other people about to do—stop smoking, go back to college, see a doctor, quit playing the lottery, etc. They order people around the same way they order themselves around and it doesn’t work for others any better than it works for them. So, it was with great delight that I read a recent column by Dr. Ellen Glovsky, “Giving Advice in Motivational Interviewing” in a recent newsletter. Here’s her advice on giving unsolicited advice: “The truth is that most people will become more resistant when confronted and in this way the clinician’s behavior can cause resistance. I know it feels urgent in a situation in which the client is highly likely to harm themselves. It is very important to not push for...

You have one primary job in the world: to manage yourself. If you take care of others, then you have a secondary job as well. If you cannot manage yourself even when you finally become an adult, don’t despair. You can learn. I have many clients who’ve made tremendous strides in self-care in a year or two of therapy. Sound like a long time? Not as long as spending the rest of your life lacking the knowledge for self-management. Self-management, according to Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman who write a syndicated parenting column, involves people learning “how to understand their emotions, contemplate their choices and then make proactive decisions rather than reactive or impulsive ones.” (“Helping kids develop self-management skills, Sarasota Herald Tribune, 11/12/18, B2) Wouldn’t being able to do that go a long way toward helping you eat better? According to Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, authors of “Emotional Intelligence...

As sometimes happens, there’s been a theme cropping in my therapy sessions: “This is not who I am” (said vehemently). This attitude comes from a fixed (versus a growth) mindset (https://www.karenrkoenig.com/blog/fixed-versus-growth-mindset) which is the belief that you have an identity and traits you’re stuck with that will never change. This view allows no room for events or insights to impact us that will modify how we think, feel and behave. It’s like never allowing computer updates or uninstalling programs or having a TV that works only on a few channels. We’re all more than our current identity—different at various stages of our lives (childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age, old age). We’re not made to have immutable personas. Naturally, there’s a basic “me” that we recognize as ourselves and a “you” that others recognize as “us,” but it’s the antithesis of growth or healing to say, “That is so not me.”...

I’m flabbergasted when clients adamantly refuse to take medicine, seek medical attention, or get recommended health treatment. This kind of irrationality is what gets people into trouble in the first place. Fortunately, clients come to me to learn how to take better care of themselves, so I am in a position to help them make better decisions. If you’re someone who refuses to go to a doctor, the hospital or take medication, I’d like you to stop and think about whether this is in your long-term best interest. Many clients say, “I hate going to the doctor,” “But I don’t want to go to the hospital,” or “I don’t like dependent on medication.” As if there are actually people out there who enjoy going to the doctor, are happy about going to the hospital, or like the idea of being dependent on medication. Doesn’t your attitude sound a tad silly to...

I’m sometimes amazed at what clients tell me, as if what they’re saying is a provable fact. It’s obvious to me that their thinking isn’t rational and that they have no idea they’re spouting—or, worse, believing—falsehoods. Sometimes these untruths are about eating and sometimes they’re not. Either way, they’ll need to change these beliefs to become “normal” eaters and emotionally healthy people. When we’re children, we believe nearly everything our parents tell us—but that doesn’t mean that all they say is true or that the beliefs we learn from them serve us well in adulthood. Just as you’re probably not still adorning your living quarters with dolls, toy soldiers, miniature tanks, stuffed animals or posters of teen idols, it’s not great mental health to be walking around with outdated, erroneous beliefs in your head. We believe what we learn growing up for several reasons. First, we don’t have the brain capacity...

I often hear from clients that they seek food for pleasure when they have nothing to look forward to. I wonder how they have so narrowly constructed their lives to have so little joy, fun, and satisfaction. Most of them can’t wait for vacations, looking forward to them for months ahead of time, but such time away or off is over in a flash. What about the days they’re not on vacation? Why not put a bit more punch into them to prevent unwanted eating? I was thinking about this issue when a close friend told me on the phone that she was resuming horse-back riding after a three-year hiatus. She was excited talking about having done it once recently and feeling that she couldn’t wait to do it again. I could feel her anticipation through the phone lines. Our conversation got me thinking of an elderly woman I knew in...

I talk a lot (a whopping lot) with clients about how they feel that they need to or should do things. I’m sure they get tired of me nagging them about their word choice and approach to getting things done, but it really pays off in helping them shift to more beneficial, internal motivators. So, what better way to start off the new year than to encourage you to make a resolution to stop bullying yourself into doing things. Every time you say aloud or to yourself that you need/must/should/ought/have to do something (that is, use an external motivator), you’re putting pressure on yourself to do something. You’re trying to get yourself to act because you don’t have enough desire to do it without the pressure. So, you apply more force and ramp up the attacks on yourself, which do nothing to strengthen your desiring to do whatever it is. I...

Many people live in fear of rejection. They won’t change jobs, try to make friends, join groups or do anything which might put them in a position to be rebuffed. This deep-seated terror prevents them from being happy and emotionally healthy and is based on dysfunctional childhood experiences with rejection which haven’t been put to rest. Here are ways to rethink rejection so that it becomes tolerable and easily forgotten. No one likes to be rejected as a job applicant, but not everyone builds his or her life around avoiding the possibility of it happening. When we have a pattern of fearing and getting upset at rejection, we are not looking rationally at how the world works and have an immature sense of entitlement rather than view ourselves simply as one of many deserving people on the planet. Just because you don’t get a job that you believe you were perfect...

Humans are meaning-making creatures with built-in curiosity about people and the world to help us survive and thrive by learning new behaviors and putting new ideas into practice. One kind of persistent answer-seeking that is regressive is wondering why someone doesn’t or won’t change. Though you may feel dismayed or dissatisfied because my explanation isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, it’s still the truth, one which you eventually will need to accept to become emotionally healthy. Let’s say that Mom regularly invalidates your thoughts and feelings, insisting that you think and feel as she does, or she becomes angry. You try hard to explain yourself over and over, but she still acts as if what your saying makes no sense or is wrong. So, you ask her repeatedly, “Why don’t you understand me?” or ask yourself, “What can I do to get her to understand me?” Nothing. Not a darn thing....

As I’ve written in my Food and Feelings Workbook, most of us feel uneasy with doubt and some people turn to food when it gnaws at them. We adore certainty because we believe it will lead us away from harm and towards safety and comfort. In reality, the opposite also can be true. Doubt helps us seek the truth, while certainty based on insufficient doubt often leads to false information and practices. Doubt is usually viewed negatively when it is actually valued neutral. We need some, but not too much of it. Here are (some) ideas on the subject from a presentation by David Allison, psychologist and Dean of Indiana University’s School of Public Health, to graduating students in June 2018. (IU School of Public Health-Bloomington (http://blogs.iu.edu/iusph/2018/06/07/doubt-and-truth-take-center-stage-in-dean-allisons-remarks-to-iusph-graduating-students/, retrieved 6/23/18) Allison says that: “It takes courage to admit doubt. It takes intelligence. It takes humility. Some of the greatest minds have embraced...

How often do you tell yourself that you need to eat more healthfully, consume less fat, read labels on food items, lose weight, find better ways to comfort yourself than eating, dine out less frequently, or plan better meals? How often do you use the word need to prod yourself to do tasks such as clean your domicile, find nicer friends, get a more interesting job, go out more often, or complete projects? Most dysregulated eaters insist they “need” to do something in order to motivate themselves. But it fails every time. I’ve blogged on this topic often: How we tell ourselves what we should or ought to be doing, then do the opposite. Honestly, I spend half my time talking with clients about their use of words like need and should and have to. If you’re still telling yourself what you need to do, it’s time to give it up...

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” (Wikipedia, retrieved 5/4/18, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_Corinthians_13) Although I’m a secular person, this bible quote (in reality, an afterthought to this blog) aptly describes what I want to say. I know I’m taking a more direct tack here than I usually do but, honestly, I’m not sure how to awaken clients and other dysregulated eaters to the fact that time’s a wastin’. I can only do my best to speak to you as mature people, which includes laying out some unavoidable and perhaps harsh truths. You can rebel against eating rules and how others want you to look or eat, or you can be an adult and take effective care of yourself no matter what others think or say—but you can’t be or...

After two sessions in a row with clients discussing problem-solving versus worrying, I realized that they’d been confusing the two activities and, therefore, were making themselves more anxious by worrying when they thought that what they were doing would reduce it. If you’re a worrier, this blog will help you understand its false promise. Worrying, a misguided attempt to reduce anxiety which generally produces more of it, takes place in a closed looped within the mind. It’s an internal process, an intra-psychic phenomenon. Like a dog chasing its tail, thoughts race around in repeating circles without getting anywhere. We imagine various scenarios and outcomes, but our fears remain, so we return to generating more or better solutions. It’s like trying to know what the weather is like when you’re indoors. You can’t. You need to step outside to find out. Problem-solving, on the other hand, takes place outside of your mind...

In a local pharmacy, I passed through the “nut” aisle and found myself tumbling back in time to 40 years ago in my local food mart searching for WheatNuts®. They “were originally developed by Pillsbury in the late 1970s and had been on the marketplace for 35 years before being pulled off the market by Anacon Foods in late 2013,” and “are a cult classic snack product that has a nationwide following of die hard Wheat Nutters.” (nadanut.com) I had been such a die-hard, and now I fear that if I’d continued to wolf them down as I did then, I would have died hard—and sooner rather than later. I remember downing a jar of them on my way to meet friends for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Arriving early, sitting in my car and enjoying their uniquely amazing crunch and nutty flavor, I was whisked away to Planet Ecstasy until...

I often tell clients that if they want what other people have—lasting love, meaningful work, supportive friends, tolerable family relations, and good health—they need to think and act as others do. By that, I mean people whom they respect and think well of. They can’t keep being reactive, making foolish choices, and following their hearts rather than their heads if they want what others have achieved through rational thinking. Reading an article about inventor Elon Musk, though I’ve disliked some of his recent public comments, I found value in his description of rational decision-making. He’s a complicated, controversial, brilliant man who appears to use his critical thinking skills at work, but not with love. Want to guess in which arena he’s most successful? (“Elon Musk: The Architect of Tomorrow” by Neil Strauss, Rolling Stone, 11/15/17, http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/elon-musk-inventors-plans-for-outer-space-cars-finding-love-w511747?mc_cid=52dfe44621, accessed 11/21/17). Here’s the “scientific method” Musk uses in problem-solving at work: 1. “Ask a...

One of the major reasons—if not the one—that people fail to achieve success is that they focus on exactly the wrong things to make it happen. According to success psychology, there are three ways of thinking to help you attain and maintain your goals. I bet they’re just the opposite of what you’ve been doing! Here they are.Focus on what you’re doing wellMost dysregulated eaters focus almost exclusively on what they’re doing or have done wrong. They obsess over their food failures—binges and mindless eating—and minimize their successes—stopping occasionally when full or making healthier food choices—if they acknowledge them at all. In fact, I usually need to drag their successes out of them. Successful people feel good about what they’re doing well, focus on it, and enjoy the pride they experience from their achievements.Learn from, then stop focusing on, what you didn’t do wellErrors are a typical and often exclusive focus...

I was watching the news when there was a shot of a man in a hospital bed. I don’t recall what had happened to him—Had he broken bones, lost a leg, or been badly burnt in a fire?—but his words were instantly etched in my mind, “I’m going to get used to a new normal.” I’d heard the phrase before (it’s around for a long time), but this time it hit me how we all need to do that because there’s really no other way to live well. I specifically think of this man’s determination when I sit with clients who fight change. They’re in there mad as hell and come out swinging with both arms, as if by struggling hard enough against change, they can stop it from happening. Well, good luck with that. Heaven knows, we’ve all put up this fight at one point or another. I certainly have. Think of...

A major problem I run into in treating dysregulated eaters is an inability to set firm boundaries with people. They get taken advantage of, walked on like doormats, ignored and neglected. And, then, when they feel hurt, they turn to food for comfort. Make no mistake, setting and maintaining firm boundaries is a skill. I’ve written about it in many of my books, including Outsmarting Overeating and Nice Girls Finish Fat. It’s a learned behavior, like most of our life skills, from childhood. Either we learn that it’s okay to have needs and say no, or we learn that it’s unacceptable through love or approval being withdrawn when we assert ourselves. Often our same gender parent role models poor boundaries—Dad can’t refuse a request for help no matter what else is going on in his life or Mom keeps on doing for others until she’s depleted and depressed. Strategies for maintaining boundaries run...

Many people confuse selfishness and self-care. This mix up crops up often among dysregulated eaters. Is saying no to visiting a sick friend selfish or self-care? Is not answering your phone after a long day self-care or selfishness? This dilemma arises often with clients because distinguishing between the two is far from clear cut. My thoughts on the subject are not meant to give you rules for making a determination between selfish and self-care, but are to get you to think before you say yes or no to anyone so that you don’t do it automatically and are making an intentional choice. My goal is to get you to stop flagellating yourself (and eating to quash misplaced guilt), when you feel selfish but are actually engaging in self-care. Knowing dysregulated eaters as well as I do, my hunch is that much of what feels selfish to you might actually fall under the...

An author I enjoy noted in passing the difference between knowledge and intelligence. Though I recognized this truth, the statement stuck in my head because I’d just had a session with a distraught father who was struggling with his teenage son. Several times during the session, I’d suggested that the father read books on child development and, specifically, on parenting an adolescent but, each time I raised the subject, this client more or less let me know that he wasn’t interested. This client is a good provider and passionately loves his son, wanting the best for him. I’ve assumed that this father is fairly intelligent, yet was struck by his determination to avoid the knowledge that he desperately needed to get along better with and help his son. I’ve come across other people like him in my professional and personal life who absolutely refuse to acquire fairly easily accessible knowledge and would...

Many of my clients have difficulty tolerating their anger and, not surprisingly, with self-care. That’s why I write about anger a good deal. They get into relationships or take jobs in which they’re mistreated. They’re all about forgiveness and compassion and shy away from feeling wronged—even when they are. Sadly, one of the major reasons that they get into unhealthy situations is that they are not in touch with and fear their anger. Here’s an example. I was talking with a client about standing up to people and she said that she kept feeling badly for others and didn’t want to be angry at them. I hear this a lot, as if anger is a bad thing. We feel anger automatically when we’re being, were or will be harmed. That’s healthy. That’s how things are supposed to work because recognizing that we feel endangered is vital to surviving and thriving. Anger tells...

Whether I’m working with couples or families, I find that too many people absolutely hate being wrong. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb here and say that any relationship you’re in, including those at work, will improve dramatically when both parties become more comfortable with being in the wrong. This improvement will automatically decrease stress and the urge to comfort yourself with food, so you’re getting a two-fer with it. What is it about being wrong that makes people feel so uncomfortable and defensive? It’s a strange phenomenon, this attachment to a state of correctness. Do you recognize what upsets you when you’re wrong? Is it the actual experience of it or is it what others say to or about you when blame is being thrown around? Here’s my take on the subject based on working with (most) couples who are all hung up on who’s right and who’s wrong. In...

Many people confuse what’s normal with what’s healthy. I hear from clients frequently that they don’t know what’s normal or have always wanted to be normal. Taking a closer look at these terms can help you figure out what you really want to be. As children, especially those who are raised in dysfunctional families, we often wish to be like other children. We want to fit in and being like others is one way to do it. If our parents are different from other parents—that is, they don’t take good care of us, they drink or do drugs, they can’t keep their jobs, or they abuse or neglect us—we are aware of this consciously or unconsciously and naturally yearn for normalcy. We want a father who helps us with our homework rather than one who shuts himself in the den drinking and watching TV or a mother who attends our school activities...

I came across an aphorism by social and moral philosopher Eric Hoffer, which speaks to a truth that we all need to be aware of: “We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.” Now, before, you insist that you never fib to yourself and always attempt to be honest, consider if that might be a lie in itself. Read this blog and, then, see if your assessment changes. Moreover, see if you can accept the truth that we all lie to ourselves without any self-judgment and, especially, without self-condemnation. To understand our behavior, the question we might ask is why we would lie to ourselves. Aren’t we taught from toddlerhood that lying is bad and wrong? Aren’t we often shamed and punished when we tell falsehoods intentionally or inadvertently? The major reason that we lie is because, in the moment, it brings more emotional comfort than telling the truth. If we say...

Recently, a 70-something, highly successful, charming client came to his first session with me and talked non-stop about how his father regularly had berated him for both over-eating and under-exercising in childhood. Not surprisingly, these “problems” had become the focus of his life. Perhaps, you, too, have difficulty focusing your brain on positive things in life and would like to learn how to manage your thoughts effectively. If so, world-famous coach Tony Robbins, has some sound advice for you to follow. (“An Interview with Tony Robbins” by Rich Simon, PhD, Psychotherapy Networker, Nov-Dec 2017, p. 47) He maintains that there are three tests of focus:“First, do you tend to focus more on what you can control or can’t control? If you’re always focused on what you can’t control, you’re going to be stressed.”“Do you focus on what you have or what’s missing? The vast majority of people focus on what’s missing. And...

Let’s face it: We all want control over our lives. It’s encoded into our DNA and hardwired into our brains. We want it because we believe it will help us survive and thrive, although that’s not what’s foremost in our minds when we try to shape life to our liking and get other people to change so that we don’t need to. In those moments, we’re thinking why the heck our spouse won’t lay off the booze, our neighbor won’t quit playing that awful loud music, and our parents won’t stop treating us like children even though we have grown kids of our own. We have no interest in surrendering our desires, and see nothing wrong with asking others to make major and minor alterations in themselves so that we can go along on our merry way exactly as we are. It doesn’t even occur to us that we might to be...

Clients sometimes ask me what I say to myself to reduce stress and distress. I use three major phrases, which are based on truths I firmly believe in. It’s crucial to have a set of phrases or mantras, because you want self-soothing self-talk to kick in as soon as you need it and don’t want to be wondering what’s going to work to settle you down or set you straight. Occasionally, I’ll say something else to myself to suit a particular situation, but these are my routine go-to messages: I’m doing the best I can: I say this to myself often, as a quick-fix antidote to perfectionist tendencies, which I have on occasion. Many of us keep pushing ourselves until we’re hurt or exhausted and for what? Usually to come close to or reach some abstract ideal. However, what if, due to inborn limits, our best isn’t going to get us that...

I confess that it took me a while to see the value of meditation. When it was first touted as a stress reducer, there weren’t a whole lot of studies to back it up. But now, the more I read about it, the bigger fan I’m becoming—especially since so many anxious clients ask me, “Can we really change our thinking? Is it truly possible to change our brains?” Science tells us that the answers to these questions are yes and yes. According to “Meditate on this: a mindfulness practice promotes better health” (Healthy Years, vol. HY16H p. 5), a practice of meditation has health benefits beyond simply reducing anxiety and stress, not that that’s any small feat, particularly for emotional and stress eaters. The article states that “Science is still not clear how meditation influences the brain,” but that it helps in “decision-making, planning, abstract thinking, and regulating emotions.” “A study in JAMA...

I treat many clients who’ve been or who are being emotionally abused. Some have eating problems and some don’t. Most are or were partnered to individuals suffering from Psychopathy and or the less dangerous Narcissistic Personality Disorder. None of them expected to become victims of emotional abuse and many stayed too long in their destructive relationships. Fortunately, the majority are now on their way out—for good.  One type of abuse called “coercive control” is used to dominate partners. It is described in “The domestic abuse that leaves no mark” by Abby Ellin (Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 8/2/16, Wellness, p. 6) as “a pattern of behavior that some people—usually but not always men—employ to dominate their partners.” It is “an ongoing and multi-pronged strategy with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes physical or sexual abuse.” “Coercive” individuals make a constant effort to control their partners: where they go, how...

As children, we often turn ourselves inside out trying to make things go well for us. If Mom yelled a lot when she was stressed, you gave your all to being nice and behaving better. If Dad frequently acted disappointed in you, you tried harder—and harder—to gain his approval. If your brother ignored you, you did all you could to get his attention. If your sister teased you for being a baby, you redoubled your efforts to act grown up. When we’re mistreated as children, intentionally or not, we attempt to fix the situation by changing ourselves. That’s all we can do and we fervently hope that doing so will improve our lot. If we do just what she says, Mom will stop yelling at us; if we raise our grades, Dad will be proud of us; if we pretend to like our brother’s interests, he’ll be more attentive; and if we...