It’s hard getting clients to say positive things to themselves. Super hard. You’d think they’d be eager to engage in self-encouragement, as in, “Boy, it’s great to stop saying all those negative things to myself. All they ever did was bum me out. Being my own cheerleader makes all these wonderful feelings bubble up inside me and that makes me feel so good. Why would anyone want to say downer things to themselves?”

Why indeed? How can you not feel awful when you say awful things to yourself? Some folks say faking it til they make isn’t right because it’s, well, not true. But, that’s the whole point of saying it: to make it true because you’re telling yourself how to feel good. That’s how the human mind works. To put it simply, if you want to feel better, say better things to yourself. If you want to feel awful, well, you know what to do.

A client says he can’t say positive things because he doesn’t “see” them happening. He means he can’t envision himself feeling better and living the life he wants. I tell him that’s because he keeps imagining himself miserable. What if he were to spend time picturing himself feeling more upbeat and energetic, cleaning the house, spending time with friends, and returning to hobbies he used to enjoy? 

Visualization helps. We do it naturally. I know I did when I used to daydream about Mike something or other at camp falling for me though I am positive he had no idea who I was. I was picturing what I wanted to happen. We do that all the time in sports (hitting that home run), in school (acing the exam), at parties (having fun), hosting parties (having everything run smoothly). See what I mean. Or do you picture disaster happening in all of these scenarios?

Back to the “see” or “say” issue. When we say we can’t “see” something happening it’s because we’re feeling hopeless which is, in part, a manifestation of a lack of imagination. Some people don’t want to say or see beneficial things happening to them because they fear they won’t happen. For example, if you’ve said, “I’ll clean the garage” for years and haven’t, you probably don’t want to disappoint yourself (and maybe others) again. But I can almost guarantee that if you say you can’t clean it, you won’t. 

If you’re unwilling to practice positive self-talk, I feel badly for you because all the therapy (and blogs and self-help books) in the world aren’t going to help because you’re fighting against your natural inclination to do what’s best for yourself. Practice positive self-talk and see what happens. At the very least, it’ll make you feel better!

Best,

Karen