In supervision at my first job as a social worker, I commented on a client not doing something he’d set as a goal. I must have said, “He says he can’t do it,” because my supervisor jumped in with the question, “can’t or won’t?” I’ve struggled with the correct answer to will not versus cannot ever since.

Is it that you won’t give up disordered eating or drinking or that you can’t? After all, there’s a vast divide between the two. We think of cannot or can’t as inability to do something and won’t or will not as lacking desire to do it. But is life really that clear-cut that we can easily distinguish between one motivation and another? 

Not in my personal or professional experience because this is a more complex subject than we’d like to believe. After all, I think we’d all agree we can possess desire and still not achieve our goals. What constitutes inability anyway? When we say a month-old infant can’t walk, we mean just that due to lacking the physical ability. When someone on crutches recovering from a broken leg says, “I can’t walk,” my guess is that if their house were on fire, they’d walk or even run to avoid being consumed by flames. 

A better example. My client Davie has been unemployed for several years. His husband Alvin makes a decent living, so they get by, but Davie is ashamed of his lack of income and the low-paying jobs he’s had and lost and they both agree they could use the extra money. Davie tells everyone he doesn’t have a job because he’s responsible for his autistic sister who lives in a group home and needs his help which he readily gives her. 

We might conclude that Davie won’t work but that he can because he’s physically able to and, in fact, he is engaged in a volunteer job with his sister. However, whenever he as much as glances at want ads or makes a phone call about a job, he hyperventilates and has a full-blown, debilitating panic attack. This response is likely due to promising his mother on her death bed that he would always take care of his sister first and foremost. So, this emotional baggage could be said to prevent him from forsaking his promise and finding a way to do both paid work and care for his sister.

See what I mean? This is complicated stuff. Davie is physically able to get a job but is hindered emotionally by the promise to his mother. He would need to work through the emotions behind I can’t to resolve his dilemma. My point is to ask if it’s only physical problems that stop forward movement or could we also throw in emotional barriers? Can’t or won’t is worth thinking about for all your decisions, not to choose one over the other but to understand what’s behind forward movement or lack of progress.

Best,

Karen